A co-worker found this somewhere on the Internet...some of these had my boss and me in tears! Top Thirty Facts (Only facts with 50 or more votes count) Fact 1) Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 2) A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. 3) Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack. 4) Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 5) Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 6) Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds. 7) Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 8) Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. 9) Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. 10) Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. 11) The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 12) Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. 13) To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. 14) Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. 15) If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 16) Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 17) On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck’s magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy’s womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, “Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?” All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. “I didn’t ****ing think so!” shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck’s balls. Chuck pulled out, roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, “Don’t ever waste my time again.” 18) Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian. 19) Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. 20) Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris 21) Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". 22) There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. 23) When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." 24) Chuck Norris can eat not just six Saltine crackers in a minute, but six sleeves of them. Remarkably, this ability has nothing to do with roundhouse kicks; he just loves eating crackers. 25) Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way. 26) Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. 27) One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris. 28) Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. 29) Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day. 30) Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. If I find the url, I'll post it.
I think this is the link: http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty The Mr.T and Vin Diesel ones are pretty funny as well.
OMG, #17 might be the funniest thing I've ever read on this board... “Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?”
That was even better than Conan's random "Walker: Texas Ranger" moments. The Mr. T one was not as good, but I liked this: Mr. T's sperm is so strong it could impregnate a man.
You're welcome - that is why all of us have different senses of humor. If you didn't like it, why post about it, hmmm? EDIT - Oh my God, I have figured it out - you're a Chuck Norris fan and this site offends you!
The **** is so random and out in leftfield. that's what makes it so funny to me. Plus some reason I can imagine Chuck Norris doing all of these things.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
.... I hope you have read my sig and are kidding. If not then I truly pity the fool. btw, when are you going to pick up the new Scott stap cd manny? It's selling like hawtcakes. It's supposed to be an eclectic mix of gospel, Leonard Cohen, posing, and roundhouse kicks to the face.
Beneth the over-the-top jokes, it is also gently pokes fun at the fact that Chuky only has one move. If he ever twists an ankle or something, he's done for.
Here's some more that must have gone out of the top 30: After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". In the early 1980s, Chuck Norris took a ragtag team of lovable losers and turned them into the state football champions. During their victory celebrations, he walked up to the star quarterback and snapped his neck to teach the rest of the team a valuable lesson about the mortality of man. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
There's a random Chuck Norris Fact Generator. I posted it in a thread a while back, but it was a dud.
