What's worked to make your marriage/relationship successful?

I went through a divorce last year. Sucks. Gotta go through it. Our relationship is now much better and neither of us have any regrets. We're better parents separately and better people. It does take awhile to get over it. I've found lots of casual secks to be a good way to pass time.

 

Works: communication, not being afraid to dig through thorny issues. still laughing a lot, surprising each other.

Does NOT work: having my toddler-like hydro-cephalic mother-in-law come to stay with us during my busiest work week of the year.

 

Fighting isn't about winning and losing.

 

So I confronted her about everything I found on sunday and we ended up going to counseling on monday. She did not admit to any wrongdoing and only said it was not right to "spend time" with him. Promised she has done nothing. Her main concern though was that my family and I were going to use it to taint her image with untrue facts and things are not as they appeared.
She is focusing on what I did to find out and not what I found out/how it affects our marriage.
Meanwhile our relationship is still broken...she said everything that has happened in the past few months has pushed her heart far away and she doesn't think she can totally commit her heart to me.

I am not sure how much of it is because her heart might be somewhere else.

 

Dude she is pulling the usual "guys fault i cheated, fell out of love" bs! You dont need that crap and i know it sounds easier said but you already know you can not trust her moving on. Treat her like she does not exist, its what shes doing anyway. Unless, you did actually do something to push her away, own up in that case.

 

Start funnelling all of yalls money into hidden offshore accounts or cash.

 

Treat her like a queen, but make sure she sees you as a king. Probably the hardest aspect to learn about relationships when you are young.

 

The physical shouldn't matter as much. Forgive and forget, but emotional relationships are a much bigger deal, especially when they are trying to hide something.

 

Not what you want to hear, but she sounds like she's in the process of leaving the relationship and just hasn't gotten the nerve to end it. She also sounds very immature. If she had any guts, she'd be straight with you, instead of making lame excuses, excuses that trend towards, "it's your fault, not mine." This is a bad time that you'll get over, believe it or not, but I doubt that it will be with her, in my humble opinion. All of us here with our advice and opinions, whatever they might be, could be wrong and probably are. Keep that in mind and best of luck, Sajan.

 

Yeah, that's not a good sign. Just means she's wondering how better to cover her tracks next time.

If you have no kids, just end this and move on. You are VERY lucky to be able to do that without getting kids in the middle. Lots of guys here can testify to that.

 

Keep her and date someone else until you get emotionally over it

 

pretty much these two things. She's checked out and doesn't even care. Sorry to say, but I don't believe that she did "nothing" for a second. And one more thing, her reaction to being more concerned with how she appeared to your family... . Like Deckard said, she sounds very immature and her priorities are obviously F'd

 

SIZZLE CHEST

Is it possible we have the same mother-in-law?

Spoiler

 

The original fight/argument (almost a 3 sentence misunderstanding) was in february. And my idiotic way of dealing with hurt/anger is to not talk for a few days...and this time around it was 7 days. I know...it's something I am working on to fix now.
We tried to talk things out on the 7th day but it didn't go anywhere. 7th day on she started going out late at night...(now she claims I never asked where she went..and that's why she didn't say where she was).
So out of my anger i wrote a list of hurtful things down and left it out for her to read..everything from how she doesn't care for me to how her looks are overrated since she doesn't have a soul.
I should have never done this.
So the 12th day...valentine's day..she was out at a bar (i am assuming with him) from 3-7pm and then had dinner with someone.

She started the conversation the next day and I could tell she was angry and hurt by the list...and i asked if she read anything i wrote. she said no.
we agreed to work on things and started being "normal" again.
for the next month i thought things were good but now i realize she was faking it for an entire month. we celebrated birthdays...and she went on a trip to see my friends etc.

mid march she was out late again and i asked why she was out so late and she just said i am done fighting blah blah..and how i don't like her. eventually the next day she said she saw the list. even though i had no right to say she shouldn't have read it i felt betrayed for her faking it for a month. now i was thinking was she faking it for 2 years?

week goes by..i ask about her activities in feb and she tried to say it's not my business. i eventually made her confess that she was out with the guy on valentine's day.
this is when things started going downhill. i started becoming more anxious...depressed..and even tried to end my life.
For the next 2 months (mid march to now) things have been all over the place. i moved out of the apt mid april to give her space and we really haven't had any honest communication for almost 8 weeks. i would text her all sort of stuff and she wouldn't respond. about 3 weeks ago she said "i don't think i can do this anymore". neither family wants to accept that and encouraged counseling to talk things out. so i remained hopeful the last 3 weeks despite what she said.

last weekend is where things took a sudden turn.
I just felt like there was no way someone can move on so quickly after a fight. I knew something more was going on with her and the guy. here's what was in her phone:

-a text from her sister warning her that she is having an emotional affair and she has crossed the line by already liking the guy...and that she needs to end it with me or the guy
-an email draft that says how she has found the perfect person God has made for her
-no communication to him via texts/phone calls -- confirms she is using a diff app
-itinerary of his work trips in her email

also got some visual confirmation:
-last friday night after he came back from the airport, she left the apt at 1045 at night and went out with him till 1145 (she said she went to get ice cream)
-sat...lunch with him and hung out all day..then went to a wedding as the plus one with im.
-sat night - slept over at his house. she knew we knew on sunday afternoon...

also got some evidence that he gave her a gift bag with her favorite cookie/candy etc.

her reaction to all this when she saw me monday? "i can't believe u and your family were looking for things to ruin my integrity and image...i didn't realize someone could hurt me so bad".
uhm.

She denies she has done anything other than spend time with him.
As for our marriage..she said her heart is far away and all the small things I did throughout the marriage pushed her away and she doesn't think she can come back. I find it hard to believe that this guy had NOTHING to do with her heart being far away.

 

It is your business. Y'all should have nothing to hide from each other. Move on, you're just hurting yourself. It sucks but everything happens for a reason.

 

That all sounds really bad. Sounds like mistakes were made by both of you, and that she has no drive to work on your marriage.

I will say that coming here and sharing your story, being honest with yourself and with others, is admirable. You sound like you are learning things about yourself which is obviously a great thing. Please keep your head up and keep using your self-awareness in a positive way.

Also I want to echo Deckard's post above.

 

Divorce is a word that I like to think isn't in my vocabulary, but at this point it seems irreparable. I can't begin to imagine how hard it is to make that decision though.

 

OP, not sure you are reading all the wise messages telling you this marriage is over. I understand your focus on the other guy, but he is more a symptom of other underlying issues (to be blunt in the most gentle way possible: you both sound fairly young, or at least she has some growing up to do).

Forget trying to figure out what she is doing when she's not with you. Focus on an amicable split. Make sure she understands you respect her (even if that's not actually true anymore), and make the break as clean and as simple as possible.

Believe me, I do know what I'm talking about. I had to kiss some frogs, especially one frog to the point of marriage, before I found Mrs. B-Bob.

 

Dude...not to sound harsh, but....work on it for your next relationship. Because this one is over.

You're over-analyzing everything. She found someone else and she's done. It's as simple as that. Sucks, but the sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be.

 

They're right, Sajan. My ex tried the "we're not physically cheating" BS. It's painful to hear, but she wants out and is not willing to take the first step herself.