What's worked to make your marriage/relationship successful?

Sajan, sorry bro but for all practical purposes, you yourself ended the marriage when you insulted her looks....for most girls that's the point of no return

 

Oh man, I feel for you man. Reading your texts brings me back 8 or so years when I was going through the same thing. It was horrible dealing with a wife stepping out, constantly hoping that her and the other guy didn't go "there", praying (even not being into God at that time of my life) that she would "wake up" and we would go back to normal.

Her excuses are just BS. When any relationship has issues, 90%+ of the time it's the fault of both people. But there is NO EXCUSE to be with someone else. NONE! I don't care what she says. Really? Not talking when you're upset? You said some hurtful things when mad? Give me a break! Don't believe it and don't let her make you feel like your some horrible person/spouse. Yes, it's good to admit (even if to yourself) you made some mistakes (we all do), but don't excuse what she is doing. Never mind she's spending so much time with another guy, even on freaking Valentine's Day, but she has the nerve to blame you for it and gets mad that you found out. Typical... she's not only twisting and exaggerating things to justify her actions in her mind but she's upset you've now shined a light what she was trying to keep hidden. Have you contacted the other guy? Not in a pissed off way (that will just drive them closer together), but to say, "Hey, this is her husband. I know you two have been seeing a lot of each other but I love her and trying to work on our marriage." He might not even know she's married and/or might scare him off.

I also applaud you for trying to work it out. The easy thing would be to just walk away. I tried to save my marriage also but she ultimately decided to divorce. Find a good support system... really good friends, family, etc. Heck, I found my support system through the forums of marriagebuilders.com with people who have been through it as well. LIke I said, it was 8 years ago I went through it. It was terrible at the time, but it didn't kill or ruin me. I'm a much better and stronger person now because of it.

I'll pray for you brother and you can email/PM me as well if you need someone to talk to. Just keep the faith and, no matter what, keep believing something good will come from all this, with her or not. God bless!

 

to be fair, he insulted her soul, not her looks. Which seems like a fair assessment because this b**** is cold blooded.

 

Spoiler

(9:32:52 AM) Me: how much of what i feel about u and him is true
(9:33:06 AM) Me: or am i just completely making it all up.
(9:39:14 AM) Her: i can see where you are coming from based on your extractions of information but it isnt.. i wouldnt do that to you
(9:39:30 AM) Her: obviously.. i shouldnt have engaged in a close relationship with someone else like that
(9:39:41 AM) Her: im sad i put doubt in your mind like that and sorry
(9:42:17 AM) Her: he was a good friend to me and the emotional affair part.. well you thought ive had that with multiple people when that wasnt true.. i think its because of certain things i say and do without even realizing it that makes even you think that
(9:42:39 AM) Me: i wasnt the one who said it. ur sister did
(9:42:53 AM) Me: and obviuosly u acted a certain way to him to cause that email
(9:43:16 AM) Me: one person doesnt fall for another and write a confessing email based on just friendship
(9:43:42 AM) Her: why people can like and crush on others without the other person actively participating
(9:43:57 AM) Me: the best part is the nickname
(9:43:59 AM) Me: sweet tart
(9:44:13 AM) Her: i was typing before you said.. when i first met him i really wanted yall to be friends..cause i thought oh you always wanted to be in this circle of car things and he was.. and really thought yall would be friends for a really long time
(9:44:17 AM) Her: so its fked up it came out like this
(9:44:23 AM) Her: ah he calls the waitress honey
(9:44:26 AM) Her: so dont read into that much
(9:44:32 AM) Her: thats what im saying
(9:44:41 AM) Her: you dont know him.. so it makes everything all the more worse
(9:45:16 AM) Her: he prob knows everything about you.. cause thats what i was usually always talking about.. oh Me could help you with that.. or Me does this
(9:45:31 AM) Her: i think you think my nature of his relationship dismissed you completely and i was acting like a single available woman
(9:45:49 AM) Her: i mean not to blame you..
(9:45:57 AM) Her: you dont have anything to go on besides his confession
(9:46:38 AM) Me: i have his confession. ur sisters text. ur behavior towards me. u spending time. u hiding the communications.
(9:46:59 AM) Her: like i said the hiding communication was not intentional like you think.. i promise
(9:47:01 AM) Me: and best part is how u thought it was a good idea to keep being friends with someone who is in love with u
(9:47:14 AM) Me: especially when ur having doubts about ur marriage
(9:47:17 AM) Her: ya thats a mistake.. but you know how i am.. i have a hard time letting people go
(9:47:26 AM) Me: except me right
(9:47:27 AM) Me: ha
(9:47:37 AM) Her: that was mean and really hurtful
(9:47:48 AM) Her: for you to think for one second its not hard gosh
(9:47:53 AM) Her: it dismisses any happy moments we have had
(9:48:02 AM) Me: no one sayin its not hard
(9:48:12 AM) Me: but its hard for other reasons than how its hard for me
(9:48:38 AM) Me: its hard for me because i have hope of a better future. i have hope of a happier marriage. to love u again and put this behind us...while learning from it
(9:48:45 AM) Me: but for u its how to end it.
(9:49:09 AM) Me: how to walk away without leaving me in a complete mess
(9:59:52 AM) Me: i am happy you're still here. i am happy you came to counseling. but who knows how long all this will last
(10:02:55 AM) Her: one thing i wrote that i wanted from counseling was that i wanted me and you to be in a better place
(10:03:02 AM) Her: i dont want us angry or mad towards each other
(10:03:13 AM) Her: i want us to be at peace with each other
(10:03:22 AM) Her: and i do feel like that is starting to happen really slowly
(10:03:44 AM) Her: like you take out all our problems.. at the core i dont want us to think negative thoughts when i hear Me
(10:03:48 AM) Her: or you hear Her
(10:03:53 AM) Her: and we were headed in that path for sure
(10:11:52 AM) Me: i dont think i can be at peace with this till we try again
(10:12:06 AM) Me: cause it will always be what if we had tried again. why didnt we try again.
(10:12:18 AM) Me: and that will always leave room for resentment and doubt towards u

 

You shouldn't post your text messages with your wife on the internet.

Just get a divorce already.

 

I don't want to be cold here but this is you're wife. Call her ! This doesn't seem like an appropriate time to be texting one another.

 

well...why don't you become his freind ! Go sleep over in his place with your wife, make them uncomfortable as much as possible to the point you either become true friends or he kick both of you out

 

It's a good sign that she is communicating with you and doing it cordially. Sounds like she knows it was wrong of her to spend so much time with another guy. But, for any chance of you two working things out, he can never ever be in the picture at all, doesn't matter if he was JUST a friend to her. Meaning she needs to cut off all ties and communication with him. No matter what happened between them, the dude has feelings for your WIFE. No one should be venting or talking about their relationship problems with someone of the opposite sex any way. That's a HUGE no-no. But, for you and the sake of the marriage, will she be willing to cut him off for good? Sounds like you guys had some issues (what early marriage doesn't?) but, instead of turning to you and working on them together, she vented to another guy and, when he started having feelings for her, she kept up the friendship instead of bolting as fast as she could away from him.

Sounds like she's just asking for grace. She knows she f'd up but she doesn't want you to hold onto it and hold it over her head. She violated your trust and that's REALLY tough to get over. But, in order for you guys to get through this and work it out, you two need to do it together and do it with JUST you two. No blame, no pointing fingers, just shut out the whole world (including not airing all y'all's dirty laundry on the internet), lock the doors and windows, and both decide that you will do whatever it takes no matter what to get through it as partners. Both of you guys have to make the decision that divorce will absolutely not be an option and go from there.

Take what I'm saying with a grain of salt because I don't know either of you AT ALL or what issues you have in your relationship.

Again, god bless you both. I can tell your heart is in the right place. Just know that marriages can recover from this and become great and I believe you two can get there. Again, if you need support and strength, you know how to find me.

 

good luck to you Sajan. Once you can't trust someone, a relationship is over. I don't know if you can trust your wife again so that's the most important thing IMO. If you continue your marriage and can't trust her fully, anything she'll, do could spark up your mistrust. So you have to see it in your heart if you can trust her again. If you do, fight for her. A marriage isn't ever suppose to be easy, so if you see she's the love of your life and you can't live without her, just start fresh and apologize for everything and fight for her. Don't just go through the motion and being afraid of being alone and having a divorce. Those aren't the reasons to try to continue your marriage. Any who good luck on whatever happens.

 

Bro that relationship is COMPLETELY DEAD.

She has been filled up by some other guy. She can try to draw a line of "emotional affair" and all this other ****, but she was railed repeatedly by someone and did in right in front of you and wanted YOU to end the relationship.

Now she is having second thoughts and is trying to keep you on a string so that if she has to, she can go back to you.

Do yourself and her a favor and move on. A divorce without children means very little.

 

Honesty & No Pride (didn't read thread)

 

I was searching for another thread and came across this one.

Update almost a year later: Counseling did not work and I filed for divorce a short time after.
Even though she never admitted to cheating, I found plenty of emails/texts that proved otherwise.

I didn't think I would ever get through it but I am in a much better place now (and continuing to get better). We were together for 13 years.

 

Awesome man. Glad to hear you're doing better and moved on from that ordeal. Had a similar thing happen a while back and it's tough but thankful for it.

 

EDIT: Wrote a long post and didn't read the updated story.

 

Im separated right now so I will list the mistakes.

Appreciation - always show thanks, even if you think she knows, show it.

Communication - listen, listen, talk and listen.

Consistancy - with your attitude, dont be bipolar. Lovey dovey one minute and arguing the next.


You would be surprised how much we dont talk about and by the time you do, its at a breaking point. I am very guilty at the bipolar attitude. One month Im wooing her, doing all the cleaning and cooking, back rubs and the next month I am agro over the little things. And honestly I rank appreciation at number one. Just let her know bro.

A bonus, flirt. Woo her. Flirt with her.

 

Yes she was getting railed. She didn't spend nights at another mans house for an emotional affair. The good part? You had the balls to file for divorce and deserve credit for that. You didn't have kids with her so you can have a clean break.

Good luck and trust your instincts.

 

Good for you bro.

Takes guts to nut up and cut a loss.

 

Don't understand how you kept yourself from the kicking the other guys ass. I can't tolerate that **** on any level. What they both did was so disrespectful and you wouldn't have been in the wrong to teach him a lesson.

 

Be on the same wave length