Well you better never hope they become lawyers or go do business in japan or korea. If you aren't going to drink you won't be able to do business there.
I tried to stay away from this thread, but I just couldn't. I have an 8 and a 10-year-old daughter. If I found that their myspace pages bragged about their use, I'd probably just directly talk to those kids (you say they go to football practice together), and see if how true that is, and maybe they deny it but from knowing them on the practice field, you may be able to tell who is lying and who isn't. It sounds, however, that you and your son have a good relationship, sir, and I applaud that. Parents who have good relationships with their kids usually are the ones NOT doing drugs, are educated, and are well-rounded, enough to the point that their kids will be raised the same way. I would NOT allow my daughters to find in drugs and those drug-taking friends what I could be giving them at home (a good time, "feeling good", attention, etc.) MoBalls' advice about LISTENING is most certainly proper, while not wanting to be one of their "friends" may also be key. You're not their age, so don't try to live THEIR life, just make sure you steer them the proper way. I wouldn't go "snitch" to the other kids' parents, I'd talk to those kids myself in a mature, proper manner, just to see if they're making it up or it's real. This is good stuff, sir. Are you being serious, sir? It sounds sad. +REP. We need to hear from psychologists and doctors themselves, and those who study the parent/children relationships. We may not all be correct, but I am glad there are some sound words of advice here.
In my experience, telling your kids not to do something is the same thing as telling them to do something. Kids are going to rebel in their teenage years. If you ingrain into them they should not do this or that, then chances are they are going to do exactly that as part of their rebellious "parents are uncool" phase. Best you can do IMO is educate them...and that doesn't mean showing them a film of people throwing up all over themselves cause they did this. Yes, you can test the crap out of them. They will resent the hell out of you for it...but it may work to an extent. At some point, you are going to have to let them go (college) and, at this time, they could very well catch up on whatever you were able to force them to skip during high school (when all the other kids were doing stuff). This could actually hurt them in college because they would hopefully have tasted partying before college so they are better prepared to handle the experience of partying in college. Many kids see college as the leash coming off. I could see that effect times ten if you raise your kids in a really restrictive environment. There is no easy answer. It's almost unavoidable that they have to face this. Pretty much the best you can hope for is they are educated and smart enough to make decisions that will not ruin them before they even get to, or out of, college....to start their real world lives. Some people can balance it and parents would not even know. Others can just totally ruin their lives. Others can skip it altogether. Yes, it is a product of who they hang out with. If their friends are doing it, then...eventually...they will be too. Good luck. I went through all that as I'm sure a lot of people on here did. My parents never had a real talk with me about this issue (or any real world issue like this). I was left to fend for myself. As a result, those years spent in intermediate and high school were not easy for them cause I was doing whatever I wanted. But, I was always able to keep my education going through it all. If they lose in the education part of it do to this, then that is when the trouble really hits. Keep them on the college path...or else.
I may have failed to see it in the first three pages, but... firecat , did anyone give you any advice on how to handle the "myspace braggin" kids? I offered some advice on that.
One of his friends sent him a text that suggested that he knew more about drugs than we thought. Then he said we could test him if we wanted. I laughed and brought home a test from work. This all happened at a time when we really didn't think that he was old enough to even think about doing drugs and we were sure that it would be clean. That's why it was more of a joke and not an accusation.
I had a really great talk today with him about drugs. I let him know that I knew that his friends were doing drugs and that I knew that he knew that they were. It turns out that pretty much all of his guy friends smoke weed to some degree. He insists that he doesn't do it and I believe him. It's funny because he said that his friends have tried to get him to do it, but he says that he can't because we drug test him every week. I'm glad that he has the out in the face of peer pressure. I told him that I'm not going to forbid him from being with his friends and I'm not going to tell their parents. I did tell him that nothing bad happens when you first do drugs, but in the next five years something bad will happen to at least half of his friends that are doing drugs. The main thing is that it opened up an open and honest conversation about drugs. I'm glad that I can be honest with him and he can be honest about his friends drug use. I will probably test him again sometime soon so he'll always have that in his mind. I told him that if he ever tries drugs, smoking, or drinking that I would like for him to talk to me about it and that he won't be in trouble. I don't know if he really thinks that he won't be in trouble, but I hope that we can have some way that I can build that trust in him. Thanks again for all of the thoughtful comments, though I haven't made it through the whole thread yet.
I've read the entire thread now and I've seen the "weed is not so bad" perspective. I personally don't have anything against smoking weed for an adult that makes the decision to smoke weed, just like I don't have anything against drinking. When I talked to my son earlier, I told him that I was lucky that I didn't have many friends that smoked weed when I was a teenager so I never tried it. I told him that once I was 21 I decided that I wanted to try it and I did. Since then I've only done it a few times. I talked to him about how drugs can be fun for people but it's too easy to fall into addiction. As far as his friends go, I told him that it's difficult to trust people that need $150 to buy some more weed (this was a status update for one of his friends). In fact, my sons $200 bike was recently stolen from the side of our house. We try to keep him in the extracurricular after school activities and maybe this will motivate us to give him less time just hanging around with his friends and more time doing stuff with people that have more positive things going on in their lives. I'll definitely keep everyone up to date on what's going on in the hope that some of this advice can be helpful to other parents.
What about the MySpace peeps and what they said...? Did you do anything about that? I'm just wondering. That would be baffling me for an eternity if I never did that, but that's just me, yo. Either way it goes, good luck with this. We all know it is NOT easy.
Glad you two were able to talk it out, and you got a smart kid (my parent drug test thing was clever lol). My advice is love your kid no matter what he had done, its never too late to start over.
I haven't really done anything with the other kids. Right now I've just wanted to focus on my son. My wife and I were talking about the best way to let the other parents know and I think that we'll probably send some general e-mails out that will be hard to trace to Robert suggesting that the parents dig into the kids business a little more and realize what's going on. We may be more direct. I just don't want to get his friends mad at him for what we do.
Just tell the other parents that you (as a responsible parent) monitor your son's Internet usage and you noticed X, Y and Z on his myspace account. Children need and want parenting. They don't need their parents teaching them how to experiment with drugs as a couple of posters have suggested. They need us to counsel them, to advise them, to let them know when they are heading down slippery paths. They need us to caution them about their friends' behavior and how it may affect them. Most of the time, we need to be their friends, but all the time, we need to be their parents.
Well, I'm just a couple years removed from what your explaining, and I would say this: if you want to have a good relationship with your son, do NOT forbid him from hanging out with certain friends. This is a natural part of life. If anything, you just have to be around him more, so that he has a good influence around him. Additionally, it's not a bad thing to experiment in HS. Just keep an eye to make sure it doesn't turn into a problem. I think everyone learns on their own. Sure you'll be worrying a lot when he's out with his questionable friends, but hey, you live and learn. No one was ever happy being stuck at home throughout their teenage years b/c their parents were afraid of the "outside world".
Wow, if that kid needs 150 bucks to buy weed, he's more than an occasional smoker.. hell, he's not even considered a light daily smoker.. he probably smokes all day, every chance he gets.. I would be weary of that guy if your son is easily influenced.. Actually, in general, that guy is probably trouble. Maybe explain to your kid that there are plenty of cool kids out there, who have a cool image while being virtuous in life.. explain that this will bring a lot more happiness than drugs ever will.. THEN, you have to plan out a situation that shows him this, so he will always have it in the back of his mind.
I think this is the third time in this thread that this has been said. It can be an extremely bad thing to experiment in high school (or ever). It can cost kids scholarships. It can lead to legal issues. It can get kids kicked out of sports, activities and school. It can lead to a lot of negative things. Man, wait until some of you young folks have kids of your own and then see if you encourage them to "experiment" with drugs in high school.
If he ends up "experimenting" with drugs, I will be okay with that and it won't be the end of the world, but I will do everything that I can to keep him from "experimenting" with drugs. I do no think that it is good to experiment with drugs and I think that anyone that experimented with drugs in high school and reflects that it was a good thing for them were lucky that it turned out to only be experimentation and not addiction or unlucky incident leading to jail time. I did tell him that if he tried drugs or alcohol that I would like it if he talked to me about it and that he won't be in trouble. I just want to maintain an honest dialogue about drugs and what other kids his age are doing.
Make sure too that you inform your son that under no circumstances should he or his firends drive impaired. My kids are very little, but I really, really, really want to make it clear that I'll happily pick them and their friends up. I'll promise to not care what was done or whatever - just don't drive.
This is what I was thinking, too... that these peeps without kids are giving advice that is far too liberal... I don't know if that's good or bad, but I find it odd... DwangBoy, do you have any kids and how old are you?
I never said I would encourage my hypothetical kids to experiment with drugs.. I said it was OK to. And it's OK to if you are curious.. True, you may like it.. but at the end of the day, logic would have it that drugs ARE NOT the problem with drug abuse.. it's the state of mind and wisdom of the individual.. If a certain individual understands that true happiness will never come from drugs, then they will not develop drug problems. If they do not and think the expensive, temporary thrills of drugs can last them a lifetime, they are lacking in wisdom and need help in that arena more than the drug abuse problem. Drug abuse is an offspring of the underlying problem, not the underlying problem itself.
I'm 23.. and don't have kids.. if i had kids, i would focus more on teaching them how to enjoy life and to be wise rather than on not using drugs.. not using drugs is a result of the former.
This. People who do not have kids should excuse themselves from giving 'advice' in a thread called 'Your kids and drugs'. Despite what is said by those who are (or were) drug-using kids, there is not any scenario in which it is ever considered 'ok' to 'experiment' with mind-altering drugs. It is not 'ok'.
