My wife and I have a rule that if I am having a bad day that I should tell her that I need time in my "cave". To play video games or surf the web or whatever to relieve some level of stress. She gives me the COMPLETE space I need and at the same time I don't blow up at her because of something she didn't do. Then we I don't feel like crushing anything I can come and be her loving husband.
Whilst I believe this is a good idea, I think you shouldn't have to tell her that. Mine can tell when I either: 1. Have had a rough day at work, 2. don't want to talk, 3. Would like some time to myself (not secluded in a room), or 4. Hang out with my kids alone. I don't think that between spouses there should be any PRIVATE time, but it seems that for you, your process is good. AND I play video games when they're all done with their work and play time.
To address some of the points that have been brought up here, about this individual situation: If he was feeling bad and just wanted some time to himself, all he would have to do is say so. "Look, it's been a rough day, I just need some time to relax." (and no irritated tone of voice please) But he denies feeling bad. He is always feeling "perfectly fine" and gets annoyed when I ask. If he would just admit that he doesn't always feel or act the same way, we would be a lot better off. What's up with that? And one of the things that has kept me in it for this long is that, believe it or not, he's decent to children and old people (when he sees them) and absolutely loves animals. He wants to make friends with all of them and has a cat that he gives the best treatment and attention to. Kind of depressing that he feels more emotionally open or giving with the pets than he does with me. (When I bring that up, of course, he denies everything.) Somewhere back there, I must have done something wrong. The bottom line is that he takes me for granted. When I threaten to leave, he straightens up just enough, but not that much. This is what you get for being nice to a guy. Sadly, I think I've figured it out. The way of nature is that: guys are the ones who chase girls, not the other way around. If you want a guy to go crazy over you, do not pick him out yourself. Do not ask him out or even flirt or even try to hang around him. He will take you for granted. He might be in lust with you but nothing else (and a poster above mentioned being in lust with his ex but not treating her well otherwise... hello Ferdinand, do you see yourself in this picture?). So don't try to have your own choice in what guy you go out with. Honestly, of those who really love their wives, did she chase you first, or even meet you halfway? I bet not. Seems like the most successful ones are the ones where he really pursues her and she rejects him the first few times, then settles for him or something. Ends up being happy because he treats her well. So the man is the one who chooses the woman. It's not fair, and I don't like it, but I'm wondering if that's just how it is.
Isabel: The above poster would be me. Way too much overgeneralization on your part. Be yourself. Be confident. Know who you are and what you want. The chase is a non-event if you don't possess the above characteristics. A confident woman is sooo much more attractive to me these days. Beauty only goes so far. And regardless of who chases who, a low self-esteem will browbeat any relationship. Buck up, little camper! Figure out what you want. I feel a separation will help both of you figure out what you really want.
Holy crap! That's from Better Off Dead. I gotta agree with fatty. Don't read so much into it. When a guy chases a girl, sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. And vice versa. There's no formula to it. -- droxford
I don't know. I have seen plenty of situations the other way around. Guys who feel like they are being taken for granted. Actually I felt like that this weekend. But I went ahead and addressed my feelings/concerns to her and we talked it out. She understood why I was feeling like that and apologized. Talk is cheap, and if she makes a habit of it, then I will have to go elsewhere. I think a successful relationship depends on each partner letting the other know what is expected and what is discouraged. Then the partners should repsecting that and fulfilling needs. That is if they truly care about each other. That is why I can't hate on synergy that much. If he and his female friends are happy with their interactions, then who am I to hate on that? If his female friends are looking to be treated the way he treats them, then that is on them. Wouldn't work for me, but if it works for them, then go for it. Can't make someone like peanut butter and not jelly. just my .02
Isabel; Here's the thing. Men are really into denial. It has something to do with that stoic warrior thing. We're not trying to be rude or hurtful to our female counterparts its just the way we are. Most men won't even talk about our feelings to other men, outside of "Dude! the coolest thing happened to me!" or "Dude! I'm so f*cking pissed!" so don't take it personally. Women have been generally brought up to talk things out while men have been brought up to either endure it or fight. There's some biological evidence for this that women's brains have more developed language centers while men.. well we have bigger muscles. I've heard women who feel slighted like you say the same thing and it often isn't anything you've done at all. As I said we just don't like to talk about our feelings in that way. Growing up we were told by our dads not complain and as kids one of the worst things you could be tagged with is being a whiner. Naturally for women who really more on language to resolve problems this can be taken as an insult when its really just the guy trying to cope with his problems in his own way. The only reason why he confides in the cat and not in you is because the cat's not going to say anything back or to anyone else other than sit there purring. I don't know about Ferdinand but most men, myself included, hate it when women do things like this. This is exactly the kind of head games that drives men crazy and to say things like "All women are whores." Speaking for myself I will admit that it used to be that if a women rejected me I would actually become more attracted to her, even more so if she started dating someone else. I think a lot of this had to that I'm naturally competitive and the more something became a challenge the more tempting it was. Like Edmund Hillary climbing Everest. Again this might be hardwired into men to foster risk taking to go out and hunt the mammoth, find new lands to raise livestock or distribute his genes to the blonde at the end of the bar. As I've gotten older though I've realized that this was just stupid an led to a lot of heartache on my part and occasional fights with irate boyfriends. These days I enjoy it more when women come onto me and even find it much more flattering when an attractive women is interested in me and acts on it. I also find it makes the dating scene much easier than trying to zone into one women and get all worked up about it when things don't go my way. I can't say I'm perfect in this regard but I'm trying. Anyway my advice to you is to not overthink, or over emote this. Accept that sometimes your significant other will be sulky and withdrawn. Just let him be alone with his Xbox, motorcycle, heavy bag, cat or whatever diversion. In a little while he'll be back to the guy you know and love but if you keep on trying to make him talk about it things will just get worse. I know these are sweeping generalizations but that's my two cents.
Self: Wouldn't it be easier if we all just were up front and honest about everything. World: No. Self: Are you sure? World: No. Self: Then, why did you say no? World: Out of habit.
My wife and I were fairly equal in the pursuit so that does'nt hold true for me. We are on year 9 of dating/marriage and I think we are better in our relationship now than ever before (other than that very beginning when everything is so exciting and full of magic). I am sorry you are going through troubles. It is odd, so many people around me have been having marriage/relationship troubles recently. I have been dishing out all kinds of sympathy, empathy, and advice. Just find your happiness. Whatever happens as a result happens. You guys are both most likely very set in your ways and both shoulder blame to some degree. Question: do you ever pick fights with him just to get him talking to you?
Thanks again for all the support. There is always the possibility that there is just something wrong with me or the way I approach things, which would explain a lot of the last 29 years. I just can't quite figure it out. (other bad stuff happening today as well... nothing to do with the relationship) You would think I would have been able to do better than that by this point. Oh well, Ferdinand gets off work in a little over an hour and hopefully he'll be in the mood to keep me company and salvage what's left of this "holiday". I can always get his attention in the same way that Mariah Carey has gotten a bunch of your attention today , but hopefully I won't have to do that just to get him to communicate.
You should ask Ferdinand to read: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...104-1489799-8486325?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
