An couple is sitting at the dinner table, when the wife proclaims: "I want to get my breasts to be bigger, I dont care what it takes!" The husband in turn replied to his wife: "Well why dont you try rubbing toilet paper on your t*** twice a day everyday?" Confused the woman asked "Why, how would that work?" The Husband replied "I dunno, but it worked for your ass" ------------------ "I have amazing, powers of observation"...Pink [This message has been edited by Dreamshake (edited August 24, 2000).]
There's this Lumberjack camp up in Washington state. It's a Sunday, and the camp is closed, so all of the Lumberjacks are sitting in the bar outside the camp drinking. As often happens with a roomful of drunken men, the talk at the bar was of which Lumberjack had the biggest "tool" in the camp. After hearing 10 minutes of this nonsense, the bartender became quite enraged. "ALL RIGHT!", he shouted at the top of his lungs, "I WANT EVERYONE AT THE BAR TO DROP THEIR DRAWERS AND PUT THEIR MEAT ON THE BAR. WE'RE GONNA MEASURE WHO THE BIGGEST LUMBERJACK IN THIS CAMP IS!!". Thirty Lumberjacks stood up. dropped their drawers, and layed their meat on the bar, and the bartender began measuring them and writing down the measurements. About halfway through, the only Gay Lumberjack in the camp entered and walked up to the bar to get a drink. "Yeah", said the bartender, putting down his ruler. "Can I get you something?" "Well", said the Gay Lumberjack, "I was going to have a Singapore Sling, but I think I'll have the buffet instead!" ------------------ Bring It!!
HP, did you happen to get that joke from Cohen's little philosophy book on jokes? Another one from there, whether you did or not: The thing about German food is an hour after you eat, you're hungry for power. ------------------ Rockets Draft Obligations Summary http://www.gaffordstudios.cjb.net/
This may be a funny political quote. I'm sure Kagy will tell me! "That's like saying that the veterinarian and the taxidermist are in the same business because either way you get your dog back." Sen. Joseph Lieberman, on GOP claims that his views are like Dubbya's. (courtesy of U.S. News & World Report) ------------------ "I'll drop kick those f*ckin' dogs if they come anywhere near me." visit www.swirve.com
Love the light bulb jokes: How many Aggies (sorry) does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One hold the light bulb and two to spin the ladder. How many female singers does it take to change a light bulb? One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. ------------------ Save Our Rockets and Comets SaveOurRockets.com
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said no, but i want a regular one later, so yeah. My friend said this is some trippy weather were havin. I said perhaps it is not that the weather is so trippy as our perception of the weather being so trippy that is so trippy. I was at the airport the other day, this guy came up to me and said, hey man, i saw you on TV yesterday, but he didnt say if i was good or not. so i turned around, waited five mintues, then turned back and said hey man, i saw you in the airport about five minutes ago, you were great. I used to do drugs, i still do but i used to too. ------------------ Starting at shortstop, for the Houston Astros, Nomar Garciaparra.
Courtesy of Rodney Dangerfield: "I called gambler's anonymous. They gave me two to one odds I don't make it!" Also, in the "light bulb" vein: (WARNING: politically INcorrect joke ahead) How many wives of male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb? None, let the b%tch cook in the dark. ------------------ Save our children from the TAAS test: TAAS test report card TAAS test fact sheet
How could I have forgotten the classic your-mama joke: Your mama is so fat that when I yell Kool-Aid the b**** comes jumping through the wall. ------------------ I've posted so much that what I say must be true. The latest on Maurice Taylor
What do you call a dog with no legs?? Nothing, because he won't come anyways... ********************** A guy walks into a bar....ouch... ********************** A dyslexic walks into a bra... ********************** What does a skeleton order when he walks into a bar?? A beer and a mop ********************** What's the difference between a bunch of drunk, blood sucking parasite and an Aggie? One is a group of ticks that stumble and one builds sticks that tumble... ********************** What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, because she has a grenade in her mouth... ------------------ If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding!!
And, finally, the crowning jewel... This kid is walking to school one day when he notices some purple flowers...When he gets to class, the teacher instructs each student to say what they saw on their way to school and what it means to them. The kid says that he saw purple flowers... His teacher yells, "PURPLE FLOWERS, PURPLE FLOWERS!!! GET TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE, YOUNG MAN!!" So, the confused kid goes to the principal's office. "What did you do, son?", the principal asks. The kid says, "All I said was purple flowers"... "PURPLE FLOWERS!! PURPLE FLOWERS!!", the principal yells..."GET OUT OF MY SCHOOL!! YOU'RE EXPELLED!" So, the kid walks home. His mom says, "Honey, why are you home so soon?" The kid says, "I got expelled just for saying purple flowers"... The mom yells, "PURPLE FLOWERS!! PURPLE FLOWERS!! GET UPSTAIRS AND WAIT FOR YOUR FATHER TO GET HOME, YOUNG MAN!!" By now, the kid is really confused, but goes up to his room like a good boy...His father finally gets home that evening... "What did you do this time, boy?", the father asks...The kid says, "All I said was purple flowers"... The father, even more mad than any of the others, yells, "PURPLE FLOWERS!! PURPLE FLOWERS!! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE, AND NEVER EVER COME BACK!!" So, the kid packs up his things, walks out of the house, and gets his by a car, dying on the spot... What's the moral of the story?? Look both ways before crossing the street.... ------------------ If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding!! [This message has been edited by A-Train (edited August 30, 2000).]
You made me read that long ass essay for that. FUNny jokes, not moralistic lessons was the idea behind this thread ------------------ Fun Police Says: 1. Stupid threads are not FUN! 2. Spelling, grammar, punctuation and sentence structure are not FUN! 3. Stupid BBS names are not FUN! 4. Conduct yourself in a FUN way! The Fun Police are Watching. Vote for the Rockets & Have FUN or be Assimilated.
I young boy was walking to school when he saw his friend, Johnny, run into the street and get hit by a dump truck. He ran inside to his teacher and said, "TEACHER, TEACHER! A dump truck just ran over Johnny's ass." The teacher corrected his cursing, "Rectum." The boy replied, "Rectum? Hell, it killed him!" ------------------ Save Our Rockets and Comets SaveOurRockets.com
Your mamma's so dumb, she went to a rated R movie, saw "Under 17 not admitted", so she went and got 16 of her friends. ------------------ Cheerleaders are just dancers who've gone r****ded. visit www.swirve.com
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south, while the first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?" The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp." "Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?" "Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head." ------------------ Just because I spent five years trying to get a hold of a hammer, I don't have to spend the rest of my life driving nails. I hate this hammer and I hate driving nails.
Your momma's so fat, when I rolled over, I was still on the B!@#$! ------------------ "You've got 6 fouls, use them well" -Derrick Coleman
OOOOHHHHHHH That's foul Kagy. ------------------ I've posted so much that what I say must be true. The latest on Maurice Taylor
(Lotta errors in this. That's what I get for Dusty Garza-ing something... lemme just clean this up) A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices and ask the priest if he would like to join him for a few hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks the priest if he had ever been fishing before, to which the priest answers no. The fisherman baits the hook and says, "Give it a shot Father." After just a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, look at that big sonofabitch!" Priest: "Sir! Please watch your language." Fisherman (Thinking quickly): "I am sorry Father, but that is what the fish is called... uhhh.... sonofabitch." Priest: "Oh, I am sorry, I did not know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and stops the Bishop. Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Please, mind your tongue, this is a house of God." Priest: "No, you do not understand! That is what the fish is called, and I caught this sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Hmm, you know I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have him for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it and brings it to the head mother. Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?" Head Mother: "My Lord, what language!" Bishop: "No sister, that is what this fish is called-- a sonofabitch." Head Mother: "Yes, I'll cook the sonofabitch." That night the Pope stops by for dinner. He thinks the fish is great and asks where they got it. Priest:"I caught the sonofabitch." Bishop:"I cleaned the sonofabitch." Head Mother:"I cooked the sonofabitch." The Pope stars at them for a minute with a steely gaze, takes off his hat, leans back in his chair, puts his feet on the table and says, "You know, you mother****ers are alright!" ------------------ Just because I spent five years trying to get a hold of a hammer, I don't have to spend the rest of my life driving nails. I hate this hammer and I hate driving nails. [This message has been edited by BrianKagy (edited August 30, 2000).]
