what's something weird or interesting about you?

The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.

 

Where do I begin, my lords and ladies? I'm a vile man, I confess it. My crimes and sins are beyond counting. I have lied and cheated. Gambled and whored. I'm not particularly good at violence, but I'm good at convincing others to do violence for me. You want specifics, I suppose. When I was seven, I saw a servant girl bathing in the river. I stole her robe. She was forced to return to the castle naked and in tears. If I close my eyes, I can still see her t*** bouncing. When I was ten, I stuffed my uncle's boots with goat sh^t. When confronted with my crime, I blamed a squire. Poor boy was flogged and I escaped justice. When I was twelve, I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one-eyed snake. I skinned my sausage. I made the bald man cry! [makes masturbation gestures] Into the turtle stew, which I do believe my sister ate. At least I hope she did. Once I brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel...

 

Almost hooked up with a female at a metal concert but then someone fell from the balcony on top of her so she had to leave in an ambulance. The band kept playing. \m/

 

I'll bite.

1. I've been eating 99% plant-based food for almost a year. I don't like to call it being a vegan because that has spiritual/religious connotations for most people, and I really just switched for my health. Yes, the little animals and the planet are better off for me, a person who needs 3k+ calories a day, not eating animals or their byproducts. I do take a bite of cheese pizza or mac and cheese here and there and if there are cookies all bets are off. It hasn't affected my workouts in any negative way and I feel clearer headed than ever. Oh, I also stopped drinking almost a year ago as well for health reasons. I wasn't sick but I am 47 now and statistically it's time to start taking very good care of myself. I was a pretty healthy guy before these changes, but I imagine my plumbing now looks much better than it did a year ago.

2. I was one of the top drop-shippers on eBay for a few years and had revenue over seven figures every year. I had employees including full time customer service, and my feedback was in the high 99% for all ten of my stores. I also had very low 'defect' rates meaning very low cases closed against me (very low cases altogether because I took care of the customers). eBay shut me down completely because they 'linked' me to another store I didn't own that had scammed a bunch of their customers. I took it to the eBay president and couldn't work it out. It turns out that eBay was waging a holy war on drop-shippers and it didn't matter how well you took care of your customers or how happy they were, they were just looking for excuses to shut them down. Crazy because I paid them six figures a year in fees. I'm waiting for the jihad to end so I can start back up in my wife's name. I'll get back, I just don't want to rush it and make stupid mistakes. I am an eBay expert and I can tell you that it is a truly terrible company that is ripe for competition. The DMV is run better but there are just no alternatives. I have had some preliminary talks with some very motivated developers about partnering in an eBay competitor, but it is a massive undertaking that would probably require me to quit my day job (which I kept throughout the eBay success even though I didn't need it) and I'm not ready to do that.

 

'You're still pretty!'

 

Yeah definitely a gut punch but I have a lot of money in real estate now and both my wife and my job more than covers our expenses.

 

The only Rockets jersey I've ever bought is a Head jersey. It still works to this day.

 

I didn't know her name and there's a good chance that she was high on something (she was a bit out of my league), but she was pretty and was the one making the moves. However, when she got smushed, my forecast changed from "quick hook up" to "sit in waiting room at hospital" and it was around that time I realized that, you know, maybe I should just stay at the concert after all. I paid for the ticket and by God it would be disrespectful to the artists if I left early, and I'm nothing if not respectful.

(This was many, many moons ago. Most current Warriors fans were not even born yet.)

 

Yeah, I figured that out five seconds after I posted and edited. My bad!

 

All my life I said I'd get a Rockets jersey when they get a player who shares my last name. When they did, it was a player I didn't like, so I broke my promise to myself.

 

Is your last name Johnson?

We could go to a sportsbar together some day wearing our jersey's. I could use a Johnson wingman to my Head jersey. Probably increase my scoring efficiency even more.

But what would be best is to find a Doug Moe fan, here in Denver.

 

Head FTW!

 

Mitch Spanoulis, come on down.

Who was the metal band?

 

I once scored 12 or 13 threes with Head in 2k8 and made my opponent rage quit and curse me in dms, breh a legend.

But the real question: Why no Brian Cook jersey?