if course i have problems, no doubt about it. i have stress from work, marriage, my family, friends, economy, even the freakin environment, yao ming, etc... i deal with it like everyone else, try to exercise as much as possible, drink occasionally, get plenty of rest, etc... no doubt i have problems, but not anymore than you. i can promise you that.
You have written some confusing things. You say you haven't smoked in 6 years, yet you say you smoke. Are you saying you haven' smoked tobacco cigarettes in 6 years but you currently smoke pot? I mean, if you haven't smoked pot in 6 years then it seems you are doing what your wife has asked. The difference is that my occasional beer or Bailey's is perfectly legal. If you are interested in legalizing pot, then you should take action. Nothing's going to happen by magic. If pot becomes legal it is going to be due to the actions of ordinary folks. Why don't you join NORML or contact your congressman if you are that interested in legalizing it?
yeah, but it's just conflict in values, i think this way, she thinks that way. she's smart, but then again i'm not the dumbing guy in the world. who knows who's right? legally, logically she's right. but I have some beliefs that i think are right. eventually, i'll quit smoking. eventually. whether that makes me immature or not, i could care less. i do it in a safe place, i don't drink and drive, i don't drink too much, i haven't smoked in over 6 years. not many people can say that, especially on this board here.
i'm a smoker, but haven't smoked in over 6 years. although i want to smoke, my wife disagrees, and so i don't. what's so confusing about that? i'm not going to contact my congressman, what's that gonna do? i'm not joining NORML... really c'mon. i'm busy, i hardly have any time for myself, but i do have a business trip coming up, and the place i'm going to just happens to be houston and baton rouge. and i'm gonna see a lot of people i grew up with. i understand your point, thank you sir.
you could say that, i would say that if i was on the other side of the door as well. but you don't smoke, you have your occasional drink and it relaxes you. what's wrong with me smoking once in awhile other than the fact that it's illegal? i suppose i was exaggerating when i said sane. how about this, i smoke in order to relax? better? you drink, i smoke. so what... i guess we both have serious issues in our lives then. your problems aren't any worse than mine, i promise.
are you a psychologist or work in that field? you're breaking down everything and analyzing them when the problem is that my wife disagrees with me on one thing. one thing that just happens to be important to me and many others on the board.
Please give us other examples of your "arguing", sir. I'd like to know what besides "smoking" bothers you both about each other or what causes so much argument as you stated over the opening post. We've beaten the "smoking" point to death now. I think it's time we moved on, because we understand you won't do it anymore (pot, cigarettes, stogies, etc.). So... what else?
other arguments, ok. we don't disagree on much but we do disagree on one huge thing, money. i pay off the loan, and it ain't cheap. i pay all the bills except her cell phone. that's almost 600 bucks a month just on bills. she takes care of the baby, she wakes up at nights when my daughter wakes up at odd hours, we're talking daily... 1am, 3am, 5am and she feeds her and puts her back to sleep. she is working part time on weekends, and so i take care of our daughter then. the problem here is, she thinks i'm not doing enough. that i should be doing more with the taking care of the daughter chores. but i feel like i put my heart and soul into work and work my *** off, i don't know if you know about japan but we work 10-12 hour days and sometimes on weekends as well. it's terrible, i've gained weight, lost a lot of energy i used to have, etc... things that come with working a lot. i think i'm doing more than my share, but she doesn't, and it angers me like nothing else does.
Because the "powers that be" deemed it an illegal narcotic for right reasons or for wrong reasons and it is going to stay illegal until enough folks get congress to change the laws. If everyone who wants pot legalized simply stays on the sideline, it will never be legalized. If you (and others who want legalization) aren't willing to act to change the laws, then don't complain.
You keep changing tenses, that is what confusing. You write this: "i smoke. do i whine? no, i skip that and light up." and this: "i smoke in order to relax" and this: "eventually, i'll quit smoking..." If you haven't smoked in 6 years, then it appears you have "quit smoking".
i feel like i just got a lecture from my dad or something. no complaining, i'll leave you with this wise man. Let us burn one from end to end and pass it over to me my friend burn it long, we'll burn it slow to light me up before I go if you don't like my fire then don't come around cause I'm gonna burn one down yes I'm gonna burn one down my choice is what I choose to do and if I'm causing no harm it shouldn't bother you your choice is who you choose to be and if your causin' no harm then you're alright with me if you don't like my fire then don't come around cause I'm gonna burn one down yes I'm gonna burn one down herb the gift from the earth and what's from the earth is of the greatest worth so before you knock it try it first you'll see it's a blessing and its not a curse if you don't like my fire then don't come around cause I'm gonna burn one down yes I'm gonna burn one down
ok, i'll go over it again, cause you're getting angry. you must have some issues? i haven't smoked in 6 years, but i would, but i don't. do you understand? comprende senor? no i haven't quit smoking, i just haven't because i don't want to upset my wife and also for my career, which is doing well by the way, thanks for asking.
If they don't feel you're pitching in enough... Tip #1 - Master the 10 Minute kitchen clean up. You'd be surprised how far an uncluttered clean countered kitchen will go. If they don't see that it only takes you 10 minutes compared to their 1-1/2hr they spend, they will assume you put in the time. **Warning, the key is knowing what exactly irritates your wife. Cluttered dirty counters triggers rage in mine...so it's an easy take down. However if your wife likes clean floors...you're effed. I think that takes more than 10 minutes, but i wouldn't know. my plan has been working for 11 years. Tip # 2 - Make the bed. Takes 2 minutes and their seems to be an underlying connection to the site of a made comfortable looking bed and a sense of calmness after a suck ass day at work. My own research. Tip # 3 The George Foreman Grill, can make you look like a God. Quickly season chicken breasts, and some slap chopped fresh vegetables make for a quick easy meal. ***warning, it's a b**** to clean so add time to your 10 minute kitchen clean up *** Rotate beef, tuna, turkey for variety. And did i mention, you'll save money and lose weight. Tip #4 If you decide to take it to the next level and handle washing clothes...proceed with caution. Just like we do things certain ways...they also have their own way. A full load to them, is NOT a full load to us (yes thats what she said). **warning, this could lead to arguments. if you do it wrong** - Avoid for now, stick to just gathering and bringing her the clothes, hangers & baskets. IF and only IF you see she is on a washing rampage. You're helping, but not actually doing anything. Tip #5 10- minute suck job. Not as awesome as it sounds, but it works. If you have carpet...throw down some carpet fresh during a commercial...return and watch the game then make mad dash vacuum run. A clean smell works wonders to keep them off your back. Tip # 6 Never be sitting down when they are cleaning. THEY HATE THAT. If you sense your wife is about to go on a cleaning rampage...take an preemptive strike and take the cleaning job that's infront of the TV. If you're going to have to pitch in, might aswell watch something while you do it. Tip #7 No one likes to fold clothes, but someones gotta do it. Find out the exact way she likes the towels folded..because she has a certain way, and you learn it. You can just start with towels, and work your way up if that happens to be your wifes hot button. a Postive?...this job can be done while watching TV. Tip #8 Rinse a dish and dont let it sit over night. Last nights dried plate of spaghetti can send them into a fit. Tip #9 Something that took about 9 years for me to learn...if something is on the floor. pick it up and put it away. Our shoes/clothes thrown on the floor are like a center jacking up 3's in game 7. Tip #10 You don't have to do all this everyday. Pick and choose when it works for you and if she's still on your back...find a new wife. Just a system that has worked for me to avoid pointless arguments and hassles. Notice i didn't say "Us" because she has no idea of "The System". After a few weeks, you should be able to do whatever you want.
No comprende. Angry? Why would you say that? I was confused because you wrote you hadn't smoked in 6 years yet you write things like this: "she's smoked before, we went to thailand, phuket and smoked on the beach" According to you, you have known your wife less than 4 years. This is why your writing on this subject is confusing to me.
I don't see how this is an argument. How much money or valued money would you put on what she does for your daughter and does instead of you having to do it? If you answer with ANY amount, you're wrong. Are you doing what xcharged said above? No? Then the arguments will continue.
That's a nice list. I will tell you what I've learned by making mistakes. It's all about how to listen, and both of you need to be able to do it. If she gets mad even if the reason is silly to you, don't be dismissive. Something is going on in her that makes her upset. She may be too upset to have a productive conversation at the time, but let her know that you can see she is upset, and tell her that you want to understand where she is coming from and that you will talk to her when you are both calmed down. When she comes at you with a list of stuff you're doing "wrong" don't try and defend yourself at that time. Instead listen and say, that if you thought someone was doing those things you would be upset too. It helps you to know how upset she is about it. Tell her that you should have done more to make sure she didn't get whatever impression that she got, and that you want to work on it to make it better. Then really do it. Really try and learn not only WHAT sets her off, but WHY. Think before you speak. Will she be able to misinterpret what you're going to say? Nobody can be perfect and you will still get in fights, but listening and trying to see things from her side, and understand why she's mad will help. Also at a time when you are calm, and she's calm, bring up that when/if she reacts certain ways to situations it makes you feel like you are being (fill in the blank ex. yelled at, treated like a child, having a guilt trip laid on you, nagged, etc.) Let her know that even though you know it's wrong when you feel like that, it's hard for you to get the point she's trying to make, because you jump into defense mode, and the whole situation gets worse. These are kind of examples, but the real key is understanding that even irrational actions or what seems like irrational reactions from a spouse have some trigger that set them off. It's hard and will take practice, but maybe it will work out. Then also do fun stuff. Treat it like you are still dating. Don't get in the habit of being too worn out that you would just rather stay home. That's fine sometimes but make it a point to go out and do fun stuff with your wife.
Not a psychologist, but I have some experience in counselling. I guess it's just my analytical nature. Everything I'm saying to you, I'm saying with the intent of trying to make things better for you and your wife. I think the disconnect is that you're seeing one disagreement (smoking) and I'm trying to look at the broader issue: a need to analyze what you can do to make your marriage happy. The smoking is just a symptom of a larger problem, namely that you and your wife "have times when we can't stand each other" and that you "don't know if it's possible to live my whole life like this" (per your original post). This, to me, indicates a problem larger than just you hypothetically wanting to smoke weed when you return to the U.S. So let's move away from the weed thing: you mentioned that she has issues with the balance of work within the home. I can tell you that this is a VERY common issue in most marriages, and one that I have personally experienced. I'm going to play devil's advocate from her perspective: work is work. You're always going to have a job, it's always going to take a lot of time and focus. That's never going to change. But the need for care for your daughter: that is an immediate (and relatively temporary) need. From her perspective, she is working AND taking care of the daughter, while you're merely working. I know you work more hours (be careful you never say you "work harder"), but if you combine the hours she spends caring for the children (during the day and night) and the hours she works on the weekend, I would wager they're probably close to even. You may even be right in that you work more hours. But this leads into the next thing about marriage it took me forever to learn: Being right isn't as important as being happy. So if she feels like she needs more help with your daughter, you may have to find a way to accommodate her. Again, though, it's got to be give and take. If you're going to give more time taking care of the children, she's got to find a way to help you manage your schedule. But you can't tell her this, you've got to ask her. Another thing that can help, if you can't find way to help with the child more, you can help the situation by showing more appreciation for the work she does. I have found that, in marriage, a kind word and compliment can go a long way towards resolving issues before they become issues.
**Disclaimer** we chose not to have kids... things would be much tougher if we had those things running around.
