Just curious, Isabel, but after this difficult marriage, why would you WANT to jump immediately into another relationship? Why would you want to transition smoothly into something else? Why not test the waters and see what is out there before committing to something else that could be just as bad or worse as the last one? The biggest mistake I think people like you and I make (and I get the sense we are pretty similar when it comes to how we choose relationships) is jumping at the first person who shows even the slightest interest. Bad idea. Oh, and as for the guy can't keep his hands to himself, I freakin' HATE when guys say stupid **** like that. It makes the entire gender look like a bunch of freakin' morons, which isn't always that far off. Of course he CAN. He just doesn't want to and whatever you are doing is encouraging him to drop the boundries and, as Elaine said about every able bodied Isrealite in the tri-state area, "drive pretty hard to the hoop."
That's the thing... I would rather, for right now, be friends with this guy with no pressure. Really, I would. I don't want to lose the friendship/relationship totally because it seemed like we really were helping each other... of course, the "frustration" might be too much for him. (Does he do this with every woman he's interested in?) I'm not saying nothing would ever develop, but I would rather wait and not get too attached to each other, except as friends. This is not a "friends ladder" statement. I'm just trying to be smart about it. I just don't know why we can't do that...
This part is kinda frustrating. I think you are confusing the fact of him wanting to have sex with you, with him being horny. If he were just horny he wouldn't spend time trying to cultivate the relationship, he'd just go out and get laid; it's really not that difficult...believe me. Hell I'm forty with a wedding band prominently displayed and I still get notes left on my car, church members making suggestive remarks and bank tellers slipping me their e-mail addresses. Do you think men will screw anything that moves? Nah, that's just in the movies (Porkey's ), and if you are dealing with someone that is that "horny" run now because if he's that indiscriminate without you, he'll be just as indiscriminate with you. At risk I say you may be representing the one thing that is common within a "What is it with you guys" discussion. We all hate a tease.
Maybe this is just me, but I really have a problem with a guy who makes the moves on a girl that is with someone, irrespective of whether that relationship is on the rocks or not. As a general rule, guys are horny. I won't debate that point. However, however horny, guys do have the capability to "control themselves" and to set limits. I'm sure that the vast majority of guys on this board can agree with me there. If this guy is making the moves on a girl that is taken now, what makes you think he won't do the same the first moment something goes south in his next relationship? Once again, I might be completely out of my element here and if so, feel free to declare me crazy Another point that I would like to make is the point many others here have preceded me in making; you really need to give yourself some time to evaluate things for yourself. The number one virtue for relationships as a whole is the concept of time. When you give yourself time, you put yourself in a position to evaluate what is best for you. It's okay to be alone for some time. Actually, I think it's the ideal place to be between relationships. Don't jump the gun. Take a minute to smell the roses. If this guy truly likes you and cares for you in the way that a real man cares for a woman (not just for sex), then he'll understand and he'll be there when you're ready. If he is not willing to respect your space and give you time, then he's not the guy for you. Just my 2 cents
Not to be blunt, Isabel, but let him go. Both guys. You aren't in a position to be ready for any relationship right now. And, no, you don't need to keep the new guy on the backburner right now. Clean break with both guys. Find a friends or parent's place to stay. Get the separation/divorce finalized. Take AT LEAST six months off. No thoughts of relationships during that time. In that period, you should figure out what YOU want in a relationship. Then you can casually date until you find a guy that most closely fits your criteria.
I think I need to go to your church and bank where you bank. Never mind I'm happily married also. Must be good for the ego though.
But you have to ask yourself, "Why am I so hell bent on pursuing a "friendship" with a guy who clearly has other intentions?" I mean, if the guy was REALLY a friend, he'd let that go and just be friends. If he can't, he isn't your friend, so why continue to pursue it when you KNOW where it is going? I think that if you REALLY wanted a real friendship, you would develop one with someone who has no interest in you at all and really make a friend. I don't think you want that. I think you are using this guy to help you feel good about yourself because you are coming from a relationship that did the opposite. I think, while you aren't having sex, you are getting the benefit of this guy's attention which, for women, is often as important as physical intimacy.
Everyone is human...If there is attraction, there will be cases of touching, feeling, squeezing, etc...If somone isn't responsive, the other person will know... As for the "friends", it depends on whether this guy just wants to "hit it"...If he respects you and your situation, it shouldn't be an issue... IMO, you should not jump into anything, meaning, don't try to get something before you end your current relationship as it won't last...if your ok with that and just want to have fun, cool, but just go in with your eyes wide open... Good luck...
Yeah, Isabel, I wonder if you can truly tust or control your own "signals" right now. I think your brain logic and your desperation (exasperation, frailty, whatever from your situation) are in conflict and the guy is just playing off of the part he sees and the fact that "even if she has this other guy in her life, she is here with me." Even if looking for a friend, bringing relationships into the conversation creates a few levels of intimacy that cannot be ignored.
That's what you get for marrying a Rice alum. Maybe I've missed a lot of what has happened betweenst you and young Ferdinand, but it seems to me like your primary obligation is to take care of that before you even start to have intimate conversations with another man. It's not fair to both guys to do that, to: A) go behind your official husband's back (no matter what he did to you, that might merit divorce (mind you I was away for 40 days, I missed a lot and the junior bacon cheeseburger at Wendy's is no longer a dollar)) and begin intimate (not the pejorative sense of the word) relations with another man. He doesn't deserve that as a husband. Maybe someone could direct my attention to the Ferdinand and I are on rocky ground thread. B) Lead some new guy on, who is obviously there to get in your pants no matter what he might be telling you... Everyone pretty much knows I'm against divorce except in extreme cases; I don't really buy the whole "the flame went out" argument. People need to learn how to continue growing during marriage, and I think a large problem people in marriage face is marrying some idealized version of a person who is there for a couple of years and then the "flame goes out" and they think wow, now what. Both people must keep growing. So, in short, my advice to you is to work things out with your husband first. I'm not advocating that you not get a divorce simply because of my beliefs, but try to imagine how you've grown with this person, if you focus just on the negative or is there something positive that has made you a better person from knowing him. I also think focusing on yourself is an outright lousy idea. The human mind is continually focused on the self. Marriage is the coming together of two minds (or souls), of which I will not admit impediments. Ask yourself some questions, do I want to completely end this relationship with this person? Yeah it might be tough, you might not get everything you want, but that's not why you married him. A marriage should never be about just one person. What are your goals in life, where are you going, are you religious? Or just spiritual? Address the marriage question first before you start talking to other bums. You owe it to your husband, even if he doesn't deserve it.
Isabel, if you don't cut ties with this new guy soon, one of three things will happen: * You'll eventually give in to his advances, get drawn into another bad relationship that will ultimately make you feel worse about yourself. * You'll eventually give in to his advances, he'll get what he wanted and quickly abandon ship because he is NOT interested in a relationship. * You'll keep trying to push the friends angle, he'll keep trying the sex angle, and eventually he'll realize his attempts won't work, and he'll drop you as a potential target, friend, acquaintence or any other kind of connection you think you have with him and move on to some other emotionally fragile girl he thinks he can take advantage of. None of those scenarios are ideal. Break free now and do like Jeff said...find a REAL friend, and stop even worrying about relationships for a little while.
You make me weep and wanna die Just when you said we’d try Lovin’, touchin’, squeezin’ each other When I’m alone all by myself You’re out with someone else Lovin’, touchin’, squeezin’ each other You’re tearin’ me apart Every day, every day You’re tearin’ me apart Oh what can I say? You’re tearin’ me apart It won’t be long, yes till you’re alone When your lover, oh, he hasn’t come home Cause he’s lovin’ oo, he’s touchin’, He’s squeezin’ another He’s tearin’ you apart Every day, every day He’s tearin’ you apart Oh girl what can you say? Cause he’s lovin’, touchin’ another Now it’s your turn, girl to cry Na na na na na na Na na na na na Na na na na na na Na na na na na
Awesome post because it's right on all accounts. If you need to have someone else, need to be in a relationship with someone, then you are admitting you need a crutch. You are not respecting yourself and if you don't respect yourself, why should anyone take you seriously that someone isn't respecting you. Have a spine... you're a woman... you're in control - that's the way of the world. So use your power wisely.
Isabel; Have you considered you're the one giving him mixed signals? The impression I get from your posts is that you're not really that attracted to this guy but mostly just want a crutch to get you through your current troubles with your husband.The message from my reading you're giving to him is "come be supportive with me while I struggle with figuring out my relationship with my hubby and if you're patient I'll give you a reward." Well things aren't always that easy. My impression of this guy is that he's someone who hasn't been in a relationship for awhile and is feeling hard up. He's been attracted to you and now gets the feeling that he has a chance with you and doesn't want to pass it up. From reading your threads on this subject I'm feeling a lot more sympathy towards this guy than to you because I think you're stringing him along even if you aren't aware of it yourself. Sorry Jeff, I'm not going to assume the sensitive guy position and say all men are scum because this guy is still trying to hook up because I think this is a case of a poor hard up guy getting caught up with a someone in a very unstable situation. I've been the guy in those situations and it sucks and I'm doing my best to avoid them. My advice to you Isabel is pretty much the same as Batman's excellent advice because I don't think its clear in your mind what you want from this guy and I think your expectations of this guy are both unfair and unclear. Tell this guy you need to take time and figure things out and then cut things off from there. It will hurt because you'll lose the emotional support you're getting but it will be far better for both of you, and Ferdinand too, by not complicating the situation when you're not clear what you want and this guy isn't clear about what to expect.
