What do you do when your girl starts gaining weight?

I'm not sure what "being a sentsative 90's man" has to do with sparing someone's feelings. My parents and grandparents raised me to be kind to be people and maybe that is some antiquated, old-fashioned way of thinking, but God forbid we actually treat people with kindness.

Besides, that brutal honesty is great for the goose until the gander turns around and says, "By the way, honey, you've never been able to fully satisfy me sexually." Then, let's see who's sensative.

JERRY: What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?
ELAINE: Fake, fake, fake, fake.

 

Yet since Houston is a) the fattest city in America and b) the fourth most populous, *some* (or even most) of those fat people must be getting some, and therefore must be desirable to someone. QED.

I dunno. It just seems to me you can easily get over a few pounds here and there. Not a big deal. You know, whatever. Shrug.

That joke about my standards is actually pretty funny! (Although there are very few people I like wholeheartedly, so it doesn't quite work.)

 

Tell her that playing CM will help you lose weight.

 

I say you lie and don't mention anything about her weight unless it is becoming a health issue. I would never tell a woman that she is getting fat. Never ever ever. BAD Idea. She will only lose weight if she wants to and you can't make her. You are between a rock and a hard place if her weight bothers you. Good luck.

 

Oh Jeff, you just had such a swell upbringing...

I never advocated being 'brutal.' But your position, which is to ignore it, is completely dishonest if one doesn't feel that way. There are alternatives to saying either (a) nothing or (b) 'sweetheart, you are becoming quite a fat pig.' As dimsie says, a few pounds here or there is not that big a deal, but to totally remove the physical from our evaluation of our significant others is not normal. You might have convinced yourself that you did (I really don't think you're being disingenous) but I think that is an illusion.

And wouldn't you WANT to know if you'd 'never been able to satisfy (her) sexually'?

 

Haven,

If you are insistent on asking her something that will likely make her hurt and angry you may as well ask her if she wants to have a threesome with you and one of her friends. Sure, it may ruin your relationship, but the upside is a lot better than asking her to lose weight.

 

Do you by any chance own butterfly collars and thick gold chains?

And by the time you get to the stage that haven is in his relationship if that's all that is important to you then you are unbearably shallow.

I can't disagree with this Hayes...but if the person you (general "you" not Hayes "you") are with ISN'T particularly fit then you need to decide whether you want to be with that person. I went through all this before getting married...I decided that being with my wife was way more important to me than any fleeting body shape. (PS- My wife isn't obese...but she probably needs to lose 30 or so). The thing of it is that I LOVE my wife. I love who she is...not just her physical appearance.

To continuously "evaluate" your "loved one" is not normal.

 

I NEVER ONCE said to "ignore it." I said to support her and love her unconditionally and let her come to him about it not the other way around.

I haven't removed the phsical element from the equation. No one does. I'm saying that to place it in such high regard that you would go out of your way to make her feel bad about it when it is OBVIOUS she knows and already DOES feel bad about it is a cold hearted thing to do.

The truth is that she knows she has gained weight and she knows he has noticed. Just by her attitude and his obvious worry over the very discussion, you can tell that it is a sensative issue for her. If she has been "fit" up until now, chances are that this is related to her feelings for herself. Expressing the fact that you notice the change will not make her feel BETTER. It will make her feel worse and exasserbate the situation.

When a woman is feeling stressed, she needs to feel love from those closest to her. She needs to know that she is safe, cared for and loved no matter what happens to her, no matter how much weight she gains and no matter what she looks like. If she doesn't feel like that, she'll:

a. Get more angry/depressed.
b. Gain more weight.
c. Find someone who DOES treat her that way.

Take your pick. None sound particularly appealling.

Besides, telling her won't change the situation. You think telling her she is overweight when she already KNOWS it is going to make her want to lose the weight? My guess is she'll gain more weight OR, and maybe worst of all, lose it but resent the HELL out of you for it and no matter what anyone says, there is ALWAYS a rekoning for that. That feeling won't die in her and she will remember it.

When she feels safe, loved and unconditionally accepted, she'll spill it about what is going on. Until then, anything you say about her weight will NOT product a positive response. It will only make things worse.

 

There's no Ifs, Ands or But(t)s about it.

If she gains weight now, she will continue to gain weight unless she has some kind of exercise epiphany.

What will happen if she has a child? Even more pounds.

You have to be true to yourself.

What is worse? Pretending to be attracted to someone that youre not and ruining both your lives. Or, Option 2, admitting to yourself that looks are important and as her weight increases she is less and less so.

Is this shallow? Yes. Is this honest? Yes. Better to find someone you find attractive than to live unhappily because it is morally right.

And do not be so egocentric to assume that you will break her heart. You may, but chances are (since you have self-admittedly stated she is not a heffer) she'll find someone who finds her weight attractive.

Better now than 2 kids later when she gains another 20 lbs. Then what?

Do not listen to these other people. They are coaxing you to "do the right thing". Life is short. The right thing to do is be honest with yourself and her.

 

We all gain weight as we grow older. It's a fact of life...and without extensive personal training and cosmetic surgery EVERYBODY will experience this...particularly once a woman has kids. So basically what you are saying is that he should find a pretty girl, use her up and move on to the next hapless victim. Repeat as necessary. Good call.

 

No one said the equation is 'just' their physical appearance. But some of the equation IS, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Yeah, pretty much it is. How does she (feel) (look) (sound)? Those are all normal questions that we consider everyday about people with whom we have relationships.

 

Lots of good advice here nothing to add except make sure you get through the stresses of the wedding. Once that's done, I think you'll both relax. Maybe that's a way to handle it... "Honey, I can tell we're both freaking out over this wedding thing. Let's take a weekend and go rent a cabin or go camping... get away from phones and in-laws and decisions and just hike around the woods and enjoy each other."

One thing I do know for certain... when you are standing up there all nervous in front of the wedding crowd and she appears at the back of the church and starts to walk towards you, there will never be a more beautiful woman.

Hang in there! We're all rooting for you.

 

No. What Im saying is that if it bothers him now, it'll only get worse.

We do all gain weight as we get older. However, when you find the right person, that won't matter as much. You get my drift?

 

Stopped reading the thread right there. I agree with you a lot, but this takes the cake. Great ****ing comment.

 

Tell her at the rate she is going you will soon have to get 48" doors.

 

If he tells her that he will see those 48'' doors firsthand, hitting him in the backside on his way out.

 

My quote:

Quote:
Of course, I also think an extra forty or fifty pounds of unecessary weight can ruin those good looks.

Your response:

Response:
And by the time you get to the stage that haven is in his relationship if that's all that is important to you then you are unbearably shallow.


So Refman, are there no shades of gray? Are there only two levels of importance? "Not important at all" and "all that is important to you?"

And you actually took exception to me calling you a "prick." I thought I could be a real *******, but I'm gonna have to stay up late at night to come up with things to beat you in that regards.

Unbelievable.

 

And another thing....and this isn't going out to Refman--this is going out to everyone.

I see a lot of people on both sides of this coin articulating themselves in a manner that suggests that what they are saying is fact, and if the other side can't see that.......well, they must be complete morons.

Please bear in mind that everyone is different and you probably won't find a more SUBJECTIVE discussion on this BBS today than the one right here.

I don't know why I feel the need to say that, but it just seemed like a good idea now that labels are starting to be thrown around.

 

I dont see anything wrong with being Honest as long as your diplomatic about it. Ignoring the problem will not make it go away and will be harder on you in the long run.

 

My guess is that it is indirectly haven's fault. If they have recently moved in together, then her lifestyle/diet has changed much more than his. So, yeah, she will be eating more now because she has not adjusted.

When my wife and I got married she gained some weight because of me. I eat a lot.

Anyway, I never said anything because there was no point to saying anything. She has since lost weight and we have talked about it. For a while she didn't realize it, then did and got disgusted with herself, and then eventually worked to lose it when she was ready - no big deal. According to her, anything I said or did would not have mattered - although If I had told her I didn't like that she was getting fat, it would have made things worse - wow, what a surprise.

Finally, some of you guys are sad little creatures.