What do you do when your girl starts gaining weight?

We went with the 7 meetings with a sponsor couple in lieu of the weekend retreat. A much better option IMO.

You think it isn't much fun to learn about there...try being at somebody else's house. Then try to explain to them that your bride NEEDS to be on the pill because she is at risk for ovarian cysts which could leave her barren. That was not a fun evening.

 

Are you Catholic? If not and she is...tred lightly on the church...we Cathlolics can get a tad defensive.

 

It is true that this is something that you simply can't just blurt out and explain to her. You have to try psychological tricks. I think the best one for you would be as follows:

Just like with any lifestyle problem, it is always easier to get motivated whenever you have someone else inspiring you. What you have to do is get superfreaky on the health kick. I mean you have to go out and get muscle media magazines, buy the supplements, and workout six days a week. You have to watch your diet and get ripped and big. Then you have to point out how good you feel and how good you look and how you are glad that you aren't out of shape anymore because it was getting hard to fit into your pants. Leave all of your fitness magazines with the hot models on the front lying around and leave your protein shake mix on the kitchen counter so she has to look at it. Do all of this without ever even asking her to workout with you.

If she doesn't hop on the fitness bandwagon, then my friend you are going to have a hefty wife for life. If you are genuine to accept that, then you are a better man than I. I think if it got too bad for me, I would have to come clean with her and tell her that I think she should lose some weight. If she got mad at me and held it against me then I would have to walk away. I bet she would lose some weight then.

The only other possibility is to get her to try that body for life competition. Of course you will have to do it with her.

 

She may be exhibiting passive/aggressive behavior with her weight gain. You might not be able to discuss this subject, because then the real problem will surface.

 

Some excellent, excellent posts by Refman and Jeff, who it sounds like may have the situation pegged. I also think Falcons Talon brings up another good point which is well worth remembering, and can make general interpersonal relations so much better.

Let me add to some of what's being said.

Trader_Jorge pointed out that communication is very important, but something to remember is communication is a two-way street. And the far more important and normally underutilized aspect of communication is LISTENING.

Typically, that involves hearing and comprehending what the other person is physically saying. But it also includes noticing and comprehending body language and other types of signals. You've picked up a wealth of information already. You can tell this topic upsets her and you can tell that she's been stressed. Don't stop there. There's something deeper that's bothering her. Jeff may have nailed it. He may have not. But you should find out what it is, if you don't know what it is already.

You really care about her, right? You care about her happiness and welfare, right? If you truly have her happiness and welfare in mind, I think you CAN talk to her about almost anything. But what you have to be communicating to her, regardless of the topic, is that you love her, you care about her. Period. If you say, "I love you, but..." that's not communicating that you love her, even if it's true. That's communicating criticism. Something that she may or may not be in a position to take.

You may love her, but communicating that is extremely, extremely hard. If you want to do that, you have to Listen First. You have to Listen extremely hard. What has she been saying through her actions the past few months? You won't be able to piece it together without asking her questions. Ask her true exploratory questions. When you've heard/understood what she's been communicating, then you need to respond to what she's been communicating. That's what it means to listen first.

Everyone needs to be affirmed. If you put her first, she'll be much more amenable to making you both happy.

I know this is very idealistic; I don't pretend to be very good at what I'm preaching as it's hard, but I do think it's true. If you strive to listen to her, she'll love you for it.

 

haven, I spent so long writing my response, I missed the later replies. I think now that my post was unnecessary, and I apologize if I came across condescending. I realized Jeff summed up everything I was thinking in half a sentence: "...she is feeling stressed and un-loved and those are the things you must address FIRST."

Your solution sounds good. You're honest and loving, and you prove it by letting it alone unless she brings it up.

 

Wow, that's really subtle.

From the sounds of her, haven's fiancee is pretty intelligent. She'll see right through that like a sieve - and she'll be p!ssed off within a week, possibly irreparably.

I cannot echo what Ref and Jeff (hey, that rhymes!) have said more. Totally, totally agree. In the end, *nothing* you say or do in that 'helpful and suggestive' way will work. Not a thing. It's entirely up to her, and it's probably in her head already. She's *in* that body - she knows what size it is! It's just patronising to discuss her 'problem' with her, especially in her current depressed and/or freaking out state...

Plus, in the grand scheme of things, her weight really doesn't matter at all. You're probably both going to be old and crusty and overweight and unattractive in your seventies or eighties, and surveys show that you'll still have sex!

OK, maybe that didn't come out as cheering as I meant it to.

 

Unlike dimsie and others, i think it may be patronizing to assume this is her 'freaking out' or whatever. maybe she has decided she doesn't like the beauty myth, and that she isn't going to work out anymore. i find the whole 'ignore it and it'll go away' advice coming from so many people to be silly. would anyone really recommend that for any problem? and maybe it doesn't matter what your significant other looks like to some of you, by why is it so illegitimate to care what someone looks like? the assertion that the physical attraction is meaningless in a relationship is ridiculous. haven should try to establish if she IS going through a rough period or if her attitude about her weight is some fundamental paradigm shift.

you don't have to be a 90s sensitive man, haven. the 90s are over.

 

Unlikely, given the frosty reception to haven's hints. Plus, some women might pay lip service to ignoring the beauty myth, but barely any of them have the courage to actually do it. Including myself.

I'm not recommending 'ignore it and it'll go away'. I'm recommending 'don't be a total dick until she tells you what's going on'.

Plus: how she looks may be important to you guys, but if she thinks you don't find her attractive, she *will* stop having sex with you in the same way. She'll be completely worried and inhibited. Which do you prefer: a porky girl who actually *has* orgasms, or a porky girl who sucks in her stomach throughout the entire experience?

Actually, the more I like someone as a person, the more I want to have sex with them. Their looks don't really matter to me; or, to clarify, I *find* things about how they look to be physically attracted to. I suppose that's a chick thing, right?

 

Yep.....you damn right it is.

It's very noble....don't get me wrong; but it's pretty much exclusive to women.

Of course, there will be several guys who come on here and claim to feel the same way. Some of them might even mean it. But their numbers are measured in tenths of a percentage point of the whole.

 

Well, but you can't all be married to Grace Kelly, right? How do you live without perfection?

 

Don't need Grace Kelly. Maybe our standards are low, but I'd like to think God made most of you chicks pretty hot.

Of course, I also think an extra forty or fifty pounds of unecessary weight can ruin those good looks.

 

Perfection is boring. Sort of like perfectly symmetric faces are creepy and not attractive. Ultimately, I'm with Refman in that any shape that isn't unhealthy for your loved one should be something you deal with. When I cracked on Jabba the mother-in-law, I should have mentioned that her health is definitely at risk. (she has a better personality than jabba, by the way. )

 

No, you don't <i>have</i> to be a sensitive guy. And no woman <i>has</i> to have anything to do with you. So, for those of you who insist on being completely insensitive, do so at your own risk.

Yes, for us ladies, the physical attraction component of a relationship is usually not that big a deal, and can completely disappear if the mental and emotional relationship is good enough. I'd like to believe that guys were able to work that way, but it may be too much to ask. We're not made the same.

Still, isn't there something you can find attractive about a lot of women? A little bit of extra weight can create some pleasing curves and a naturally large chest, after all. It just seems that those who aren't obese, but will never be slim or skinny either, shouldn't have to be bothered about it.

 

Winkie eye aside, thats a disturbing and sad image.

 

Elvis,

This has got to be some kind of red flag for you. Wait, please save the 'i'm totally secure' post. I was only kidding...

That's why I said Haven wasn't asking for her to be Kate Moss.

I don't think there is a problem with wanting someone to be physically fit, or with finding fat people undesirable.

 

Apparently it happens a lot. Which is even sadder.

Oh, Hayes: I was going to do a 'standard disclaimer about the objective attractiveness of my husband' (yes, he is attractive, yes, I rampantly want to do him all the time, etc), but I thought 'nah, no one's going to be lame enough to take *that* cheap shot'. I should have known.

 

Oops. I went back and wrote in my old message that I was kidding but you are too quick.

And I didn't mean to imply that Elvis was not attractive, but that your standard for people you want to have sex with might be something for him to keep an eye on.