What do you do when your girl starts gaining weight?

I would just tell her.

You're a guy. She's going to expect you to be an ******* in such matters. Maybe she's waiting for you to say something to motivate her to work out again.

Good luck have-dog.

 

The 'beauty myth' cuts both ways these days, Isabel. Pick up 'Men's Health' for instance, and you get the same thing (except it says 'how to make HER want you ). I don't think Haven is saying she has to be Kate Moss.

 

Isabel is right on. My wife is 30 and is 5'8'' and big boned. So she always is conscience of her weight, even though she is only 145 lbs. If you are seriously concerned about it from a healthy point of view, then that is good and I would definately say something. But if it is purely physical, then I would leave it alone as not to hurt any feelings.

I think with engagement and weddings, comes natural weight gain. People always told me that I had gained a bit of weight after my wedding. I told them "The race was over so I took over the uniform".

 

haven,

As others have said, I would NOT make this a big issue.

When you say that she is gaining weight, how much are you talking about? Is it more than 20 pounds or less?

IMO, there are 3 relationships that must be satisified for 2 people to be happy with one another:

1) Physical
2) Emotional
3) Spiritual

Now, you have been with her for 3+ years, so it is obvious (I hope) that the 2 of you have connected in emotional and spiritual ways. Physical relationship is important and ideally, you want all 3 to be 33.3% or of equal value. But you already know this, right?

I guess the reason for going into this spill is to suggest maybe focusing or concentrating on the other things you have with her. The 2 of you have a bond, and I am sure that bond is made up of more things than a physical relationship. Think of the other things that makes up your bond when you start thinking about the weight thing.

I know that you are a busy guy, but I would seriously look into working out whether with weights or cardiovascular or BOTH 4 times a week. To me, there is nothing greater than a vigorous and intense workout. You seem like the type of guy (maybe I'm wrong, though) that would really get into working out. Who knows? Maybe it will become a hobby. If it does, then it may inspire your fiancee to come along and do walking or whatever with you.

One thing for sure though: she will lose weight because she wants to not because she feels someone is putting "pressure" on her to do so (I don't care what anyone says, but if you suggest to her to lose some pounds, she will invariably think that you are putting "pressure" on her).

Not an easy thing to go through. Good luck in handling it.

 

This reminds me of that episode of the Simpson's where everyone is encouraged to "tell it like it is" and Homer is telling everyone in the car how fat they are:

Marge: Oh, shut up, Homer. You're the fattest one in the car!
Homer: Gee, Marge, you didn't have to tell it like it is.



You need to be really careful about your feelings here. What were to happen if she were permanently disfigured in a car accident? What about when she gets wrinkles, gray hair, sagging breasts? What if she lost her hair? What if you've been married 5 years and she gets and stays overweight?

In any long-term relationship, appearance can simply NOT be a motivating factor. Everything changes as we age. Just like she changes, so will you. It is invevitable. If you base your feelings for her on appearance, you will NEVER be happy.

However, assuming your feelings for her run deeper than all that, telling her to lose weight at a time when her life is obviously stressful because of work, not getting into school and a wedding to plan (which is, by the way, one of the most stressful events a woman will ever face outside of childbirth) is a monumentally bad idea. Besides, is it really all that fair to demand things of someone and not expect to have things demanded in return?

If you can require she lose weight, can she require you not watch the Rockets or learn all about dolls or watch chick flicks with her or whatever it is that she may do that you don't like? Should she critique your skills in the bedroom or tell you your penis is too small?

Marriage is about sharing your life with another person - the good and the bad - not cramming your partner into some "perfect wife" mold. Why do you think they say "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health"??? Telling her that she is overweight during a stressful time would be like her telling you that you just don't "do it" for her in bed during finals week. Not real sensitive.

Point is, there are plenty of things we are all sensitive about. The best way to encourage a person in any direction is not to badger them. If you love her, be her friend and her confidant, not her overbearing parent and fitness trainer. She doesn't need the person she loves and trusts most in the world to point out her flaws. She needs the person she trusts and loves most to accept her as she is so she feels safe enough to address her problems herself. She has the whole world telling her that being fat is bad. She doesn't need her fiancee doing it too.

The sooner you learn that about women, the happier you'll both be. Because I can tell you that if your wife is unhappy, it doesn't matter whose fault it is or why it is, you will be miserable. Whenever Mrs JB is upset, I feel it too and there is nothing I want to do more than make her feel good again because it kills me to see her sad.

Be her friend first. You'll both be happier.

 

Jeff--

Brilliant post!!! It seems we agree again...completely.

 

Jeff-
Obviously I respect you a great deal and hugely value the time and efforts which you voluntarily pour into CC.Net. Honestly though, how much of your posts and opinions are influenced by the fact that your wife will read them? It just strikes me that your opinion on this issue isn't the most objective for this reason.

 

I agree with Jeff completely on this point (which has been known to happen but is fairly rare ). Mrs Ref NEVER reads this BBS...she doesn't even know the webpage url. So am I somehow lacking objectivity as well?

 

I wasn't thinking that. I was thinking: easy for him to post....his wife is a hottie!

 

That's just gonna be trouble TJ.

 

My wife and I have been married 8 years, and together more then 13....I promise you that NEITHER one of us can even see our dating weight in the mirror.

And you know what.....we don't care.

DaDakota

 

her: "Thank god it's Saturday. Want to catch a movie?"

him: "Um, nothing playing sounds any good. I have a good idea though!"

her: "Cool. What's up?"

him: "Well, I was kind of thinking how fun it would be if we tied a rope around your waist..."

her: "Ooh. I like this already."

him: "Then I would get in the car and drive, oh, pretty slow, and you would run behind the car at the end of the rope! Fun, huh!"

her: "Well, um, where do we eventually go this way? Does it get more kinky later or something?"

him: "We just drive around, maybe we get to the interstate... I don't know. If it goes really well, we can stop and ... run some windsprints up mountain sides!"

her:

edit (for Nomar) -- him and her: poop

 

B-Bob...you are a sick, sick man. I really respect that.

 

Yeah... I see it... not funny....

 

Yeah... I read this... thanks for the feedback... will incorporate poop for you next time.

 

I'd take that as a hint.

Having no idea how old you are I can tell you that some people (not just women) have their metabolism radically change in their mid 20s. Mine did...I started gaining weight like crazy even though I hadn't changed any of my habits. It's part of getting older. This obviously upsets her. She knows that she needs to make a change...that's why she gets angry when you talk to her about it. Nobody likes to hear these things that they already know from the one person who is supposed to give them comfort.

That happens in every relationship. She'll talk about it when SHE is ready to talk about it. Until then, if you value this relationship, I'd tred lightly if I were you. That's just my opinion...but it seems that she's pretty touchy about it right now and that generally isn't the best time to hammer home your point.

 

Wow, I was about to post some of the same sentiments as Refman. Let me add a question, Haven, in case we're not talking about metabolism as a cause. Over the three months, has she seemed different in other ways? Some people of course gain weight when they're blue or even depressed. In that case, as you suspect, it's worth talking through it and figuring it out. But in that case, you don't need to talk about weight at all -- just how she's feeling. That would be an easier conversation, I'd think, but not by much. Good luck.

By the way, Mrs. B-Bob is a trim yoga nut for now, but my mother-in-law is, um... well, let's just say she'll send Boba Fett after me if I'm ever bad to Mrs. B-Bob. I hope this mom-daughter shape thing has exceptions. (had to end the post with something completely shallow, sorry).

 

I'm telling you...don't directly talk about her weight unless you are telling her it looks like she's losing weight.

Trader, lying is one thing, but being tactful and sensitive (to save your life) is something completely different. Words can cut like a knife, and while cuts will eventually heal, they tend to leave scars.
If you feel you have to be up front with her, I would suggest asking her to sit down without distractions so that you can talk. Don't ask her why she is gaining weight, but ask her something like "Has something happened that has caused you to change your eating habits?" I would not even bother with this approach if the weight gain is not an issue.

I'm betting the weight gain is due to nerves, and maybe being to tired to do anything other than eat and relax. It's hard to work hard after a hard day's work.