a few i came across today: Where is Vin Diesel's hair? On Chuck Norris' beard. Mr. T owns all of Captain Planet's rings. Once plugged into the Matrix, it took Chuck Norris 6 minutes to do what it took Neo 3 movies to accomplish. He also beat Super Mario Bros in under 60 seconds while he was there.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f**k down. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
the 1/8 cherokee, pointing at a woman and saying "booya", and the chuck giveth and taketh away are my favorite. i saw this a few months ago but i'm definitely glad to see it back. great to read some of the new submissions. Why did God create the universe? Because Chuck Norris was busy.
This is from an old SNL bit with "Bill Brasky" Bill Brasky on Wall Street First Friend of Brasky.....John Goodman Second Friend of Brasky.....Will Ferrell Third Friend of Brasky.....Alec Baldwin Woman.....Ana Gasteyer [ open on interior, Bull & Bear Pub ] Second Friend of Brasky: Hey, do you fellas know a.. a guy by the name Bill Brasky?!! First Friend of Brasky: Yeah, I know Bill Brasky! He's a 10-foot-tall beast man, who showers in Vodka.. and feeds his baby Shrimp Scampi.. Third Friend of Brasky: Best damn trader on the Bull Market! First Friend of Brasky: He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF.. and Smith & Wesson. Third Friend of Brasky: Brasky went public with his own buttocks.. and made $7 million. Second Friend of Brasky: [ holds glass in air ] To Bill Brasky! Together: Bill Brasky!! Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky went hunting?! Third Friend of Brasky: [ interrupting ] I masturbate to the Teletubbies! [ silence ] Second Friend of Brasky: Anyway.. Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits! He stomps and chews every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives.. except.. Fleagle! First Friend of Brasky: We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake.. before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.. Third Friend of Brasky: Brasky once hosted the Grammy's, and gave every award to Corey Hart! Second Friend of Brasky: He has a toenail on the end of his penis! First Friend of Brasky: Brasky got his wife pregnant.. and she gave birth to a delicious 16 oz. steak.. Third Friend of Brasky: The afterbirth was sauteed muchrooms! Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong! First Friend of Brasky: Brasky ranked 18th.. in the AP College Football Poll.. Third Friend of Brasky: [ thrusting glass in the air ] To Bill Brasky! Together: Bill Brasky!! Woman: [ walking up ] Excuse me, do you know where the payphone is? Third Friend of Brasky: Piss off, sister! And get us some pretzels! First Friend of Brasky: [ waving her off ] Yeah! Woman: You guys smell awful. [ walks off ] Third Friend of Brasky: [ unaffected ] Did I ever tell about the time Brasky was in a production of "The King & I"? Second Friend of Brasky: [ interrupting ] Every morning I crap the bed! [ silence ] Third Friend of Brasky: Anyway.. on opening night, Brasky chloroformed the entire cast.. and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours! The production got pretty good reviews.. First Friend of Brasky: He breast-feeds John Madden! Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na! They did not want to be called that.. Third Friend of Brasky: If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' "Pet Sounds". First Friend of Brasky: They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium! Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in heels! Third Friend of Brasky: He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom! First Friend of Brasky: All.. the Yes album covers.. are Brasky Family photos. Third Friend of Brasky: Darryl Hawkins has a summer home in Brasky's groin! First Friend of Brasky: [ almost tossing glass into the air ] To Bill Braskey! Together: Bill Brasky!! Second Friend of Brasky: Hey, did I ever tell you about the time Brasky taught his son how to drive? First Friend of Brasky: [ interrupting ] I'm.. legally.. r****ded! [ silence ] Second Friend of Brasky: Anyway.. Braskey taught his son to drive by entering him into the Indy 500. The kid wrecked, and died. Brasky said, "It would have happened sometime!" First Friend of Brasky: Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human! Second Friend of Brasky: Like the guys in "Terminator 2"! First Friend of Brasky: Brasky still believes in Santa Claus! And he wants to put him in porno films.. Third Friend of Brasky: He thinks Iron-Man is gay! First Friend of Brasky: He framed Roger Rabbit! Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky used to ride upon a steed, perchance to spy a lady.. Third Friend of Brasky: The character Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky.. except for the part about planting appleseeds and not raping men! First Friend of Brasky: He gave a hand job to a mannaray! Second Friend of Brasky: [ screams something unintelligible ] Third Friend of Brasky: I hear ya', buddy. First Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky! Together: Bill Brasky!! Big Booming Voice: [ comes from extremely tall figure in upper camera angle ] I'M BILL BRASKY, AND I JUST CORNERED THE MARKET ON BOOZE! WHO WANTS A DRINK? [ the guys get excited and raise their glasses in the air towards Bill Brasky ] Together: Bill Brasky!! [ open on interior, airport bar, group of salesmen laughing and drinking ] First Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky is a son of a b****! Do you fellas know Bill Brasky? Second Friend of Brasky: Hell yeah, I know Bill Brasky! He's a big fella, goes about 6'4", 280. He loves his Scotch! Third Friend of Brasky: He does! He's a hell of a salesman! Fourth Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky! Together: Bill Brasky!! Third Friend of Brasky: Did you know Bill Brasky is the godfather of my son? Fourth Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky? First Friend of Brasky: He's a big fella! Second Friend of Brasky: Oh yeah, he's a big guy! Goes about 6'7", 385. Third Friend of Brasky: Well, anyway.. he shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol' Bill Brasky pushes the priest aside and says, "I'll baptize that piece of calimari!" Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, "There! You're baptized!" Fourth Friend of Brasky: And your son is blind to this day! First Friend of Brasky: Yeah, he makes brooms somewhere in Georgia, doesn't he? Third Friend of Brasky: I have no idea. [ pause ] To Bill Brasky! Together: Bill Brasky!! Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky sold me into slavery? First Friend of Brasky: Well, if you're talking about Bill Brasky, I believe it! Second Friend of Brasky: Oh, yeah! He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I'm chained to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol' Brasky, he's back in the States siring three beautiful children with my wife! First Friend of Brasky: I hate Bill Brasky.. but I respect him! Guy At Bar: Are you talking about Bill Brasky? I know Bill Brasky! First Friend of Brasky: Then let me buy you a round! Third Friend of Brasky: Hey, easy, Hank, easy.. To Bill Brasky! Together: Bill Brasky!! Fourth Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky showed up at my daughter's wedding? You know my daughter, she's a beautiful girl. First Friend of Brasky: I tell you, I'd like to have sex with her! Fourth Friend of Brasky: Well, Brasky shows up.. and you know he's a big fella. Third Friend of Brasky: Goes about 7'8", 530. Fourth Friend of Brasky: Well, he's standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He's got no right to be there, but he's drunk and he's Brasky! Well, long story short: the priest accidentally marries me and Brasky! [ the guys laugh ] Off! Off! Off! We spend the weekend in the Poconos - he loves me like I've never been loved before! Second Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman in the office! Together: Bill Brasky!! Third Friend of Brasky: You know how Brasky served three tours in 'Nam? Fourth Friend of Brasky: Uh-huh! Third Friend of Brasky: Well, I'm in Corpus Christi on business a month ago, and I had this eight-foot tall Asian waiter.. which made me a little curious, so I asked him his name, and sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky! First Friend of Brasky: To William Robert Brasky! Second Friend of Brasky: Oh, yeah! Fourth Friend of Brasky: Hey, you ever go camping with Brasky? Third Friend of Brasky: Many times. First Friend of Brasky: I went camping with Brasky, his wife, and his daughter Debbie! Third Friend of Brasky: Debbie Brasky? First Friend of Brasky: Debbie Brasky. She's 7-years-old, goes about 3'5", 55 pounds. So, I'm in the back of a pickup with Bill Brasky and a live deer! Well, Brasky, he grabs the deer by the antlers, looks at it and says, "I'm Bill Brasky! Say it!" Then he squeezes the deer in such a way that a sound comes out of its mouth - "Billbrasky!" It wasn't exactly it, but it was pretty good for a deer! Third Friend of Brasky: That's Bill Brasky! Together: Bill Brasky!! Fourth Friend of Brasky: I once saw him eat a whole live chicken. First Friend of Brasky: His favorite movie is "One on One" with Robby Benson. Fourth Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky once gave me a videotape of him having sex with my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing I ever saw! Second Friend of Brasky: I have that tape! Guy At Bar: [ turning around ] So do I! Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a b**** who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing! Together: Bill Brasky!! Big Booming Voice: [ from extremely tall figure in upper camera angle ] Did someone say Bill Brasky? [ the guys get excited and raise their glasses in the air towards Bill Brasky ] Together: Bill Brasky!! [ fade ]
Vin Diesel knows what happened to the other daughter on Family Matters. Vin Diesel doesn't need glasses to watch in 3D When Will Smith said "I got to get me one of these" (ID4), Vin Diesel laughs because he has one.
I'll try a couple: Chuck Norris is the only person who truly knows what the weather will be, mainly because he controls it with his roundhouse kicks. All weathermen know this but they also know that if they ever reveal this on TV that they would all get roundhouse kicked in the face. Thus, they never say anything about the truth. One time Chuck Norris did a very fierce roundhouse kick and ripped the fabric of the spacetime continuum. A Tyrannosaurus Rex appeared in front of him, wanting to eat him. Chuck showed him his fist and the T Rex thought better of it and agreed to be his pet. Chuck Norris is the only person who has been to every planet in our Solar System. Hell he is the ONLY person to have been outside the Milky Way! Chuck laughs at things like travelling at the speed of light.
Even an animated Chuck Norris could kick Gods ass... http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/Chuck+Norris/1642842/
Looks like Chuck Norris finally found out about this: http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx So yeah, he was somehow able to acknowledge that he's seen these facts while also promoting two of his books. This man really is amazing. Also, here's a video of him in action: http://www.youtube.com/p.swf?video_id=SZ07nYEHB3s&l=60 And finally, a new fact I saw on another forum: Now we just need to see comments from Ryan Bowen about his "facts."
One time, Chuck Norris went five whole minutes without logging on to clutchfans.net One time, the clutchfans server went down. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the server, and not only did it never go down again, but it ran five times as fast. Chuck Norris went back in time to game 6 of the 1997 Western Conference Finals. He turned invisible and roundhouse kicked John Stockton as he was attempting his game winning three pointer. The Houston Rockets then went on to beat the Utah Jazz, then the Chicago Bulls in the NBA Finals to become 1997 NBA champions. Chuck Norris also went back in time to the 1993 wildcard game between the Oilers and Bills. After the Oilers went up 35-3, he roundhouse kicked every Oilers defenseman. He then played all 11 positions on defense and accumulated 17 sacks and 8 interceptions in the 2nd half, all returned for touchdowns. Oilers 91, Bills 3. He then went on to build a retractable roof football stadium with his bare hands, allowing the Oilers to stay in Houston. He then roundhouse kicked Bud Adams in the skull, killing him instantly.
Chuck Norris responds to the "Facts" about him. http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx?type=1 IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts. ~ Chuck Norris
"In 1959 Stephen Hawking became the first and only person to outsmart Chuck Norris. He learned his lesson." Now THAT one was funny.
This proves that he is all-powerful. Able to comment about the internet facts and yet promote his 2 books all in the same thought.
It it just me or does Super Ninja look like hooded (not original reflective face plate) Cobra Commander with a really bad wig?
