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[the onion] Exhausted Mike D’Antoni Spends Entire Off Day Drawing Up Play Where Russell ...

Discussion in 'Houston Rockets: Game Action & Roster Moves' started by phantoman, Sep 12, 2020.

  1. phantoman

    phantoman Contributing Member

    Oct 11, 2007
    Likes Received:
    “ORLANDO—Rubbing his eyes in frustration after pouring over hours of game footage, Houston Rockets head coach Mike D’Antonitold reporters that he spent his entire day off drawing up a play where Russell Westbrook makes a shot ahead of Tuesday’s Western Conference Semifinals matchup against the Lakers. “It took me hours just to figure out where Russ should stand on the court,” said D’Antoni, who recalled coming up with the perfect play at around two in the morning only to realize it would never work because Chris Paul isn’t on the team anymore. “Once I worked out the floor spacing, I knew we’d need Harden to attract at least three defenders to clear a path to the hoop. Should we have P.J. [Tucker] in the corner or down low to grab an offensive rebound? ****, none of this makes sense.” At press time, Russell Westbrook reportedly stormed out of the practice muttering “that’ll never ****ing work.”

    ronclone, napalm06 and ak99999 like this.
  2. tmac

    tmac Contributing Member

    Jun 22, 2004
    Likes Received:
    Even better:


    Rockets Cite Advanced Statistics To Support Strategy Of Giving LeBron James Coronavirus

    ORLANDO—Stressing that the unconventional tactic was warranted to counter the Lakers star’s incredible postseason production, Houston Rockets general manager Daryl Morey cited advanced statistics Friday to support the team’s strategy of giving LeBron James coronavirus. “According to our analytics model, the only viable way to slow down LeBron right now is with the fever and respiratory problems that Covid brings to the table,” Morey told reporters at a pre-game press conference, claiming James’ relentless scoring had forced the Rockets to start thinking outside the box with their defensive scheme. “Some people might think it’s a cheap tactic or that it isn’t ‘real basketball,’ but the numbers say this scheme is our best chance to win. LeBron has been playing out of his mind lately, so even double-teaming him won’t work unless one of the players is spraying him with coronavirus-infected water droplets. We’ve analyzed this from every possible angle and our best chance is simply forcing LeBron to quarantine for the remainder of the series.” Morey concluded the press conference by announcing the decision to isolate James Harden as a part of the team’s super-spreader offense.
  3. Jontro

    Jontro Member

    Feb 3, 2010
    Likes Received:
    so basically the anthony spends a whole day where any decent coach would only need a few seconds to figure out... which is to bench turtle
  4. bobloblaw

    bobloblaw Contributing Member

    Mar 15, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Honestly this isn’t very funny, regardless of the team being mocked. I’m used to the Onion being edgier
    pr0wler and Hakeemtheking like this.
  5. francis 4 prez

    francis 4 prez Contributing Member

    Aug 15, 2001
    Likes Received:
    somehow the onion understands our problems better than some of our fans.

    the greatest players of all time article that's linked at the bottom is pretty hilarious.
    BigShasta likes this.

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