A man once got naked and lay on the grass in the forest. Little Red Riding Hood passed by to pick up mushrooms. She counted: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 5, 5, 5...". Then she shaked her head and moved on. The man was happy. The next day the man got naked again and lay down at the same place. A little bear passed by to pick up mushrooms. She counted: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 5, 5, 6, 7...". Then she nodded and moved on.
I bought my wife a mood ring for Mother's Day so I could monitor her moods. She wasn't too thrilled. I found out that when she's in a good mood, it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on my forehead.
There was once a string that was walking down the street on a really hot day. He passes a bar, and decides to go in to have a drink to cool off. So he goes inside, hops on a barstool, and says "Bartender, can you get me a beer?" The bartender looks at the string, points to a sign behind him that reads "WE DO NOT SERVE STRINGS", and says, "See that sign? Get out of my bar, you string!" So the string gets down, and sadly slinks his way out of the bar. He stands outside for a few minutes, still upset over the fact that he can't get a drink at the bar, when all of a sudden an idea dawns on him that will allow him to get the drink that he wanted. The string tustles his hair a little bit, and he kind of turns in on himself, and then walks back into the bar and hops up onto the same barstool he was on just a few minutes before. "Bartender, get me a Coke!" The bartender turns, and stares at the string for a couple of seconds, and asks, "Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out a little while ago?" The string looks directly at him and says "No, I'm a frayed knot."
OK, I've read this thing like 10 times and I still don't get it. I know I'm probably being a moron, but can someone please help me out?
The key to the joke is the PICKING and the MUSHROOMS part. Think the action you'd use to pick a mushroom (grab and pull) and think about the part of males that are commonly referenced to as mushroom-----.
I don't need a jacket. <object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/940rzFtFNbs&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/940rzFtFNbs&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
Little Red Riding hood was trying to pull up the 5th mushroom (a.k.a. the guy's dick), but couldn't. She basically ended up giving him a hand job. The next day, the bear struggled to pull up the 5th mushroom (a.k.a. the guy's dick), and after a couple of tugs, she succeeded and moved on to the next mushroom. Basically, the dude's dick got ripped off by the bear.
Little Billy came home from school to see the family’s pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, “Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?” His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.” “Gee Dad that’s great,” said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!” “What do you mean?” said Dad. “Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, “Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming” If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”
Thanks for the help Meg, and CCR. I knew it had something to do with all that, I just didn't get the whole....idea.
There was once this small very young kid who lived with his dear old Mom inside a small home. They loved each other so much and one day this kid's mom comes to her dear old son and gently gives him a Rial and send him off to buy her some meat so that she can cook dinner for the both of them. So, off this kid goes all chirpy and nice singing melodies on the way to the market get the meat that his Mom wanted to cook and comes back with the same cheerful tone. On the way, he sees this beautiful purple flower blooming by the sidewalk that he was chirping along on. He gets the thought that if he gives this purple flower to his nice Mom then she will appreciate him more and love even more. So he picks it off the grass and moves along and reaches his hom in no time, same cheerful state he had left earlier. 'Mommy, I got your meat', he goes. 'Thank you, my sweet dear', she would reply. But she notices that he's hiding something behind his back and asks him what it is. He blushfully says 'I saw this on the way back and I thought if I gave it to you it would make you happier'. 'That's so sweet of you my dear child, but what is it?', she smiles. 'This..', and with that, he presents the purple flower to his dear old nice Mom. Shocked, enraged, and fumed, she picks up an empty frying pan and hits the boy on his head. 'Get out!', she shouts. 'Help! Police! You Devil!', she would say at the top of her voice. The boy runs out of the small house that lives by the street. He runs and runs, crying and whaling about all the pain caused by his dear old Mom who thrashed him with an empty frying pan. He eventually stops at a corner of the garden, still whimpering about the pain caused by his dear old Mom. Then this nice old nanny walks along the same garden smiling ever so cheerfully, and sees this kid with tears in his eyes. 'What's the matter, little boy?', she asks. The boy, naturally wounded in his heart over his Mom thrashing him, says 'I wanted to make my Mommy happy by giving her this nice flower'. Sniffing and blurting out the last words, the boy presents the purple flower to the nanny, who in turn, is shocked, freaked out, and goes mental on the kid by thrashing him with her walking cane whilst shouting out 'Help! Police! Help! You psycho! Help!'. She thrashes and thrashes the kid on and on and on. And the kid runs away again.. He runs street after street after street crossing the roads from one neighborhood to another. Eventually he stops again at another crossroad. Still whimpering about his bad day and how he got kicked out of his Mom's house and by an old lady in public garden, comes along a nice young policeman who passes by the little boy and sees him crying and on his own. 'What's the matter, young boy?', he asks. And the boy says ' I wanted to make my Mommy happy by giving her this nice flower', and no sooner does the policeman see the purple flower does he pull out his gun and points it at the kid and shouts out, 'Oh my God! Hands up! You mean machine, you!', and throws him into Jail. Our little boy is now in Jail and is put in with this really big man. This man turns around to see the boy crying, bruised, in pain, and whimpering and asks him, 'I was put in here for splitting a man in half because I caught him cheating with my wife; what about you?, in a gruntly voice. The boy, scared from head to toe from this man in front of him, says in a shaky voice 'I - I - I .....I picked this flower for my Mommy to make her happy', and shows him the purple flower. The man, scared that he almost craps in his pants, cries out to the jail-house guard, 'Help! Guard! Get me out of here! Help!'. And with that makes a hole in the jail's wall trying to run for his life. The little kid, still whimpering over his bad luck, walks out the hole in the wall. Comes upon a street and crosses it. Bam! He's run over by an ambulance. The Moral of the story is... Always look both ways before you cross the street.
Something tells me moestavern would enjoy "the pink and purple polka dotted ping pong ball" and "the green monster" jokes.
Racist Joke that is in extreme poor taste. What is funny is that this was emailed to me by my old boss who is African American.... The African American Harmony Church Choir was travelling in Alabama, when they hit a oil slick in the road, drove off a bridge, and all died. Since these were pious individuals, they went to Heaven of course. They made it to the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter opened a small hatch and observed them. They said "We be the African American Harmony Church Choir, and we request to be let into Heaven. We love God and WE WANT IN!" St Peter, a little taken back at the sight of these individuals said, "I must go console His Holiness before I let you in" So he leaves them at the Pearly Gates, and rushes to Gods living quarters. St. Peter, exhausted from running, says "God, there are African American people at the Pearly Gates, what do I do!??" God hesitates, and says "Go ahead and let them in, we have an open door policy here! We do not alienate any race!" St. Peter rushes back to the Pearly Gates. Within a few minutes he bursts back into Gods living quarters flustered, and shouts "GOD THEY ARE GONE!!!!" God says "What the African Americans?" St. Peter says "No the Pearly Gates!"
