"When I meet a woman that doesn't give head I look at her like 'They still make you!?' " - Chris Rock
Silly? I disagree. There should be more studies, and more money spent on them, if more money is needed. The better we understand sex, the less it becomes some great "mystery" that has messed with so many minds. Sex is wonderful. It's a gas. It's fun. If it's within a relationship, so much the better, but a relationship shouldn't be a requirement, in my opinion. If we hadn't had so much sexual repression in this country since the beginning of the '80's, we wouldn't see this skewed view of sex, in my opinion. Girls giving oral sex to guys, but not getting it in return? I hope not. Women are repressed enough in America. They should get their equal share of oral sex. Equality for all!!
Just as well. The geeks in the chess club can grow up a little more slowly, and then they'll appreciate it when we deflower them later... (oops, did I say that? bad Isabel keep me away from that chess club.) I was sort of in between the generation who didn't do that and the generation who did. Some of our generation did, but not the ones I hung out with. (I suspect that's still true... a lot of people don't.) It's just as well. The system is unfair. These girls are giving blowjobs. Are they getting one in return? Probably not. On top of that, the guy usually doesn't respect the girl and thinks she's only good for some easy fun. The girl will often be hoping this will lead to a relationship. Conversely, when she's gotten cynical about it, she may just use the whole thing to manipulate guys. It's all a mess, and not what relationships should be about. I'm also in the camp that thinks that anything involving that part of the body is an extremely intimate act. If you just want to have fun and mess around, I would think it would be a lot easier if you didn't take it anywhere near that far. But I would really prefer not to do this stuff casually no matter what. If you're going to, make sure both parties know that it doesn't mean anything. I just think these kids are getting themselves into too much, too soon. There's still some risk of disease transmission, and the psychological damage is something that isn't given enough consideration.
the first blow job i ever got has to be one of the most disappointing events in my entire life. it wasn't that great to me...I don't really see what the big deal is.
I'm surprised that the responses have been mostly jokes. This is a serious situation. Do kids not know that you still can catch an STD through oral? Or what about having an ounce of shame? I'm not going on a religious kick here when I say shame. It just seems that people have lost the concept of dignity. The parent needs to step in to be a role model or even make sure they have good role models, entertainment needs to stop just going after the dollars and get some sort of Conscience, and equally to the previous kids need to get some damn sense. I know they get a little leniency because their minds aren't fully developed, but come on their not that dumb to not realize the potential psychological pitfalls down the road. But then again, maybe they aren't smart enough to realize that those aren't pimples around the lips.... Anyhow, sorry to ruin your guys' fun but its not exactly something I’d want my kids to be doing...when I have kids. Damn hippies and their “the world would be better with free love.”
That was the point I was trying to make in my post. I truly believe in equality for the sexes. (a good thing I do... if I didn't my wife would kill me! ) I'm of the generation that attempted to "liberate" everyone from the shackles of '50's morality. In the latter part of the '60's, into the early/mid-'70's, sex was rampant, at least among the people I knew. The Pill was on the scene, and there wasn't anything you could catch that couldn't be cured with a shot. We really believed a sexual revolution was underway that would last. There was a sexual revolution all right, but it didn't last. The country became enamored with different political philosophies, which I won't get into in this forum, but they put paid to the sexual freedom we experienced during the period I mentioned. I think the male domination demonstrated by "getting blow jobs," and to hell with the chick, is disgusting. If you are going to recieve pleasure, you damn well should give it. In my opinion.
Oh lord... I'm laughing so hard right now. You have no idea. I'm sorry. I've got to clean my keyboard. (damn Diet Coke!)
If you thinks that's silly: "Teen Sex Linked To Drugs And Alcohol, Reports Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things " http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38603
All they had to do was ask I also suspect that these teenagers know that '69' is not some random number between 1 and 100 Very few teenage boys are relationship ready. 'Girls need a reason to manipulate guys' is a LOL moment. Girls want 'Ken' while boys want *something else*. Both sides are not above manipulation, except girls are more practiced/gifted in this area. Boys who are good at manipulation have high school exploits that are legendary
I posted something about this in the D & D awhile ago and my own view is that teens having sex oral or otherwise is nothing new. I think every generation when it gets into their 30's and olders starts acting shocked by what the following generation is doing when its not all that different. The main thing is that people talk about it more openly and while more teens might be having oral sex now more teens previously were probably having intercourse previously so it probably balances out. Teens getting horny and acting on it. Nothing new.
Here are some snippets from the first article ... To adults, "oral sex is extremely intimate, and to some of these young people, apparently it isn't as much," says Sarah Brown, director of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. "What we're learning here is that adolescents are redefining what is intimate." Still, some experts are increasingly worrying that a generation that approaches intimate behavior so casually might have difficulty forming healthy intimate relationships later on. David Walsh, a psychologist and author of the teen-behavior book Why Do They Act That Way?, says the brain is wired to develop intense physical and emotional attraction during the teenage years as part of the maturing process. But he's disturbed by the casual way sex is often portrayed in the media, which he says gives teens a distorted view of true intimacy. Though the study provides data, researchers say, it doesn't help them understand the role oral sex plays in the overall relationship; nor does it explain the fact that today's teens are changing the sequence of sexual behaviors so that oral sex has skipped ahead of intercourse. "If we are indeed headed as a culture to have a total disconnect between intimate sexual behavior and emotional connection, we're not forming the basis for healthy adult relationships," says James Wagoner, president of Advocates for Youth, a reproductive-health organization in Washington. "When teenagers fool around before they're ready or have a very casual attitude toward sex, they proceed toward adulthood with a lack of understanding about intimacy," Weill says. "What it means to be intimate is not clearly spelled out for young people by their parents and people they trust." Hmmm. If you go to a more sexually 'liberated' society like Sweden, one would have to deduce from the experts above that Swedish adults due to loose sexual mores are less capable of a 'healthy adult relationship'. That is laughable. Back in my HS days, I remember dating girls who thought *kissing* was intimate (as contrasted by the one girl I dated in HS who thought nothing short of intercourse was intimate ). It all seems so relative. If today kids want to blow each other minds out, is this that bad? They are defining intimacy for themselves. Adults some of who are 'experts' have a different definition apear to be having a problem with the kids redefinition. It is kind of like the experts saying to the kids "these are my sexual hangups and they should be your too".
That's why they invented my favorite number: 69... On one hand, as a somewhat devout Catholic, it bothers me that young people cheapen sexual activity to something done in the backrow of the movies. I know when I was that age, I wouldn't have had much respect for a girl who blew me on the first date. But if they resort to hj's and bj's instead of intercourse, more power to them. Kids don't need to be bearing kids. But when the Id starts talking, he says "Damn, I wish I was 17 again." These girls are way too easy.
Here's an article from the New York Times last year... Gives you a perspective from the minds of teens as opposed to adults... HEADLINE: Friends, Friends With Benefits and the Benefits of the Local Mall BYLINE: By Benoit Denizet-Lewis. Benoit Denizet-Lewis is a contributing writer for the magazine and a fellow at the Alicia Patterson Foundation. He last wrote for the magazine about the down-low culture. BODY: Jesse is 15. Surprisingly, there is no age requirement to dine at Hooters. When I call the restaurant to make sure I'm not aiding and abetting teen delinquency, the woman who picks up seems annoyed I would even ask. ''No, we're a family restaurant,'' she says. So, amid the bronzed, scantily clad waitresses and a boisterous bachelor party, I find Jesse, a high-school sophomore with broad shoulders and messy brown hair peeking out from underneath his baseball cap. Jesse is there with four of his close friends, whom he has arranged for me to meet. Among them is Caity, a thin, 14-year-old freshman with long blond hair and braces, who says that she is a virgin but that she occasionally ''hooks up'' with guys. Caity doesn't make clear what she means by ''hooking up.'' The term itself is vague -- covering everything from kissing to intercourse -- though it is sometimes a euphemism for oral sex, performed by a girl on a boy. Sitting next to Caity is her best friend, Kate, also 14, whom everyone affectionately refers to as the ''prude'' of the group. Outgoing and attractive, she's had a boyfriend for a couple of months, but they haven't even kissed yet. In her New England exurban world, where, I was told, oral sex is common by eighth or ninth grade, and where hookups may skip kissing altogether, Kate's predicament strikes her friends, and even herself, as bizarre. ''It's r****ded,'' she says, burying her head in Caity's shoulder. ''Even my mom thinks it's weird.'' Just a few weeks ago, Caity and Kate met a cute boy at the mall. ''Me and Kate walked into this store,'' Caity says, ''and this boy saw the shirt Kate was wearing that says, 'Kiss Me, I'm an Amoeba.' So he was, like, 'That's an awesome shirt.' And she was, like, 'Want me to make you one?' So he went and got Sharpies, and she went and got T-shirts, we met back there and then he said to me, 'You want my screen name?' So he wrote it on my arm. He just got his license, so he came up, and we hooked up.'' I ask Caity if that's it, or if her hookup might lead to something more. ''We might date,'' she tells me. ''I don't know. It's just that guys can get so annoying when you start dating them.'' Adam, a 16-year-old sophomore at the end of the table, breaks in, adding that girls, too, can get really annoying when you start dating them. A soccer player with shaggy blond hair and a muscular body, he likes to lift his shirt at inappropriate times (like now, to the Hooters waitress) and scream, ''I've had sex!'' Adam has had the most hookups of the group -- about 10, he estimates. When he lived in Florida last year, he lost his virginity to a friend who threw a condom at him and ordered him to put it on. ''Down in Key West, high-school girls are crazy,'' Adam said. ''Girls were making out with each other on the beach. Lesbians are cool!'' While Adam and Caity denied it, there was a thick fog of sexual intrigue that surrounded their friendship -- and a few weeks after our dinner at Hooters, Jesse sent me an online message notifying me of a hookup in the making between Adam and Caity. They were planning to go over to Jesse's house and ''mess around.'' As Jesse explained it, Adam told Caity he didn't want a relationship, and she replied that that was fine, she didn't want one, either. According to Jesse, Caity set the ground rules. ''Caity told me, 'Adam knows he's not going to get in my pants, but I might get into his.' For now they might just make out, but Caity said that if they hang out a lot more, maybe they'll do more.'' The next day, Jesse messaged me to say that the hookup never materialized. ''Everyone got busy. But I'm guessing it still might happen.'' I first met Jesse online at facethejury.com, one of many Internet sites popular with high-school and college students, where teenagers can post profiles, exchange e-mail and arrange to hook up. (Though facethejury.com, like many such sites, requires members to be 18, younger teenagers routinely lie about their age.) Over the course of several months spent hanging out and communicating online with nearly 100 high-school students (mostly white, middle- and upper-middle-class suburban and exurban teenagers from the Northeast and Midwest), I heard the same thing: hooking up is more common than dating. Most of the teenagers I spoke to could think of only a handful of serious couples at their school. One senior in Chicago, who'd been dating the same girl since sophomore year, told me that none of his friends want girlfriends and that he's made to feel like a ''loser'' because he's in a relationship. As if searching for reassurance, he turned to me and asked, ''Do you think I'm a loser?'' The decline in dating and romantic relationships on college campuses has been deplored often enough. By 2001, it had become so pronounced that a conservative group, the Independent Women's Forum, was compelled to take out ads in college papers on the East Coast and in the Midwest pleading with students to ''Take Back the Date.'' But their efforts don't seem to have paid off. The trend toward ''hooking up'' and ''friends with benefits'' (basically, friends you hook up with regularly) has trickled down from campuses into high schools and junior highs -- and not just in large urban centers. Cellphones and the Internet, which offer teenagers an unparalleled level of privacy, make hooking up that much easier, whether they live in New York City or Boise. And yet, still, many date. Or sort of, falling out of romantic relationships into hookups and back again. When teenagers do date, they often do so in ways that would be unrecognizable to their parents, or even to their older siblings. A ''formal date'' might be a trip to the mall with a date and some friends. Teenagers regularly flirt online first, and then decide whether to do so in real life. Dating someone from your school is considered by many to be risky, akin to seeing someone from the office, so teenagers tend to look to nearby schools or towns, whether they're hoping to date or just to hook up. It's not that teenagers have given up on love altogether. Most of the high-school students I spent time with said they expected to meet the right person, fall in love and marry -- eventually. It's just that high school, many insist, isn't the place to worry about that. High school is about keeping your options open. Relationships are about closing them. As these teenagers see it, marriage and monogamy will seamlessly replace their youthful hookup careers sometime in their mid- to late 20's -- or, as one high-school boy from Rhode Island told me online, when ''we turn 30 and no one hot wants us anymore.'' Brian, a 16-year-old friend of Jesse's, put it this way: ''Being in a real relationship just complicates everything. You feel obligated to be all, like, couply. And that gets really boring after a while. When you're friends with benefits, you go over, hook up, then play video games or something. It rocks.'' Why Valentine's Day Is for Losers Dating practices and sexual behavior still vary along racial and economic lines, but some common assumptions, particularly about suburban versus urban kids, no longer hold true. Parents often think that teenagers who grow up in cities are more prone to promiscuous sexual behavior than teenagers in the suburbs. But according to a comprehensive study sponsored by the National Institute of Child Health and Development, more suburban 12th graders than urban ones have had sex outside of a romantic relationship (43 percent, compared with 39 percent). It's unclear just how many teenagers choose hookups or friends with benefits over dating. Many, in fact, go back and forth, and if the distinction between hooking up and dating can seem slippery, that's because one sometimes does lead to the other. But just as often, hooking up is nothing more than what it's advertised to be: a no-strings sexual encounter. Recent studies show that it's not uncommon for high-school students to have sex with someone they aren't dating. A 2001 survey conducted by Bowling Green State University in Ohio found that of the 55 percent of local 11th graders who engaged in intercourse, 60 percent said they'd had sex with a partner who was no more than a friend. That number would perhaps be higher if the study asked about oral sex. While the teen intercourse rate has declined -- from 54 percent in 1991 to 47 percent in 2003 -- this may be partly because teenagers have simply replaced intercourse with oral sex. To a generation raised on MTV, AIDS, Britney Spears, Internet p*rn, Monica Lewinsky and ''Sex and the City,'' oral sex is definitely not sex (it's just ''oral''), and hooking up is definitely not a big deal. The teenagers I spoke to talk about hookups as matter-of-factly as they might discuss what's on the cafeteria lunch menu -- and they look at you in a funny way if you go on for too long about the ''emotional'' components of sex. But coupled with this apparent disconnection is remarkable frankness about sex, even among friends of the opposite gender. Many teenagers spend a lot of time hanging out in mixed-gender groups (at the mall, at one another's houses), and when they can't hang out in person, they hang out online, asking the questions they might not dare to in real life. While this means that some friendships become sexually charged and lead to ''friends with benefits'' (one senior from Illinois told me that most of her friends have hooked up with one another), a good number remain platonic. On Valentine's Day, I was invited to spend the evening with 12 junior and senior friends in an upper-middle-class suburb of Chicago. They were hanging out, eating pizza and watching TV. Not one had a Valentine, and most said they wouldn't have it any other way. Several pointed out that having close friends of the opposite sex makes romantic relationships less essential. Besides, if you feel like something more, there's no need to feign interest in dinner and a movie. You can just hook up or call one of your friends with benefits. ''It would be so weird if a guy came up to me and said, 'Irene, I'd like to take you out on a date,''' said Irene, a tall, outgoing senior. ''I'd probably laugh at him. It would be sweet, but it would be so weird!'' Irene and her friends are not nerds. They are attractive and well liked, and most have had at least one romantic relationship. If that experience taught them anything, it's that high school is no place for romantic relationships. They're complicated, messy and invariably painful. Hooking up, when done ''right,'' is exciting, sexually validating and efficient. ''I mean, sometimes you'll go out with a group of friends and meet someone cool, and maybe you'll hang out and hook up, but that's about it,'' said Irene's friend Marie (who asked me to use her middle name). ''There's a few people I know who date, but most of us are like, 'There's no one good to date, we don't need to date, so why date?' '' Once Upon a Time, Before the Internet . . . The last time American teenagers seemed this uninterested in monogamous, long-term relationships was the 1930's and early 1940's, when high-school popularity was largely equated with social (but not sexual) promiscuity: the ''cool kids'' had lots of dates with lots of different people, while the ''losers'' settled down with one person or didn't date at all. This more-the-merrier philosophy played itself out most significantly on the dance floor, where there was nothing more embarrassing for a young woman than to be stuck with the same boy all night. In her book ''From Front Porch to Back Seat: Courtship in 20th-Century America,'' Beth Bailey, a professor of American Studies at the University of New Mexico, points out that magazine advice columns at the time urged teenagers to keep their options open -- and, most important, to appear to be always in demand. Dating was seen as a competition that must never be lost. The advice column in Senior Scholastic, a current-events magazine for high-school students, told girls never to reject any boy outright, because ''he may come in handy for an off night.'' And Ladies Home Journal urged teenagers to be open to blind dates: they ''help keep you in circulation. They're good press agents. They even add to your collection.'' Bailey found that ''going steady,'' when it was discussed at all before World War II, was often ridiculed by teenagers and the media. Dating a variety of people simultaneously was the key to a good social standing in high school. ''These dates had to be highly visible, and with many different people, or they didn't count,'' Bailey writes. But the war changed everything. Suddenly, women outnumbered men, and popular women's magazines and advice books scared American girls with dire warnings like ''Male shortage. . . . It's worse than ever,'' and ''Baldly stated, many girls of your generation will never marry.'' Young women apparently took up the challenge, because by 1959, 47 percent of brides were under 19, and those who weren't would often report that they had gone to college solely to find a husband. With marriage occurring at a younger and younger age, teenagers started dating earlier, too. It wasn't uncommon for 13-year-olds to go steady. Bailey cites one 1961 study of a middle-class district in Pennsylvania, in which 40 percent of fifth graders were already dating (for many, this meant holding hands and kissing). One frustrated high-school boy wrote a letter to Senior Scholastic complaining that everyone he knew went steady, and that he was labeled a ''playboy'' for wanting to date different girls. By the late 60's and early 70's, the rituals of high-school dating had taken on an almost prehistoric cast. The ''rules'' -- boy calls girl, boy asks girl out, boy drives to girl's house, boy talks to girl's dad, boy takes girl to movies, boy has her home by 11 (or else) -- were viewed as restrictive and old-fashioned, not to mention sexist. And that's pretty much how things stood until the Reagan era, when dating made a serious comeback. Many teenagers settled down into a mix of serial dating and going steady -- being ''popular'' often meant having a highly coveted boyfriend or girlfriend. And while parents may have felt, as they typically do, that they didn't always understand teenage culture, most still thought they had a pretty good idea of whom their kids were talking to regularly. ''Teens still had to call the home to reach the person they were interested in,'' Bailey says. ''But then came cellphones and the Internet.'' Logging On, Tuning Out It's no coincidence that hooking up has become popular with teenagers just as the Internet has become an integral part of their social lives. Until about five years ago, Internet meeting sites were mostly the domain of gay and lesbian high-school students looking for love, sex or someone to talk to. Today many heterosexual teenagers place personal profiles on meeting sites, usually without their parents' knowledge, and spend hours in chat rooms. (Two of the more popular sites -- hotornot.com, with 4.3 million members, and facethejury.com, with 1.2 million -- were both launched in late 2000.) And while gay high-school boys frequently advertise that they ''don't do hookups'' and are only looking for relationships, fewer straight teenagers make that claim -- and many make it clear that they're looking for anything but commitment. ''Straight teens have abandoned the rituals of dating, while gay teens have taken them on,'' says Peter Ian Cummings, the editor of XY, a national magazine for young gay men. The Internet, Cummings says, has made it possible for heterosexual teenagers to act the way ''most of straight society assumes gay men act.'' The day I spent with Haris and Emcho, two varsity soccer players at a high school in the Chicago area, would seem to bear that out. I'd met Emcho (he asked me to use his nickname) on facethejury.com, where he typically receives high ratings. (Visitors to the site rate personal photos on a scale from 1 to 10, with anything under a 5 meaning, as one teenager told me, ''that you should crawl into a hole and die.'') Tall and lanky, with brown hair and a crush-inducing smile, Emcho said there are benefits to being highly rated on a site like facethejury. There was the college girl online who invited Emcho and a friend over to a party at her apartment. ''I was online writing my senior paper,'' Emcho said, ''and this girl instant-messages me and says, 'Hey, I saw your picture on facethejury.''' She invited Emcho over that night. They had sex in her bathroom, Emcho told me, and met up a few more times, but he says he cut it off when she started talking about wanting to date him. Emcho and Haris said they're both partial to ''preppy suburban girls.'' As Haris put it, ''City girls are cool, but suburban girls are crazy cool!'' (Meaning, Haris explains, that suburban girls are ''easier.'') Recently, he and Emcho met up with two high-school girls. One girl offered to sneak them all into her house, where she and Emcho hooked up on the floor, while Haris and her friend used the closet. With so many teenagers online willing to hook up, Emcho and Haris say there's no need to rush a relationship. ''A lot of guys get in relationships just so they can get steady [expletive],'' Haris told me. ''But now that it's easy to get sex outside of relationships, guys don't need relationships.'' Last year, there was one girl Emcho really liked who really liked him, but he decided to wait a year or two before beginning a relationship with her. ''He's waiting until the well runs dry,'' Haris said with a smile. It didn't seem to occur to Emcho that the girl might not be available once he's ready. James Hong, co-founder of the meeting and rating site hotornot.com, which is wildly popular among teenagers, knows that much of his demographic thinks like Emcho and Haris. He says his site purposefully doesn't advertise itself as a dating service (most of its members are under 24). ''You'll never see the word 'dating' on our site, because that's much too serious for our demographic,'' he says. ''There are obviously relationships that come from the site, but mostly I think it's a lot of hanging out and hooking up. This demographic doesn't want to appear like they're needy and looking for a relationship.'' But the neediness comes through in other ways. Many teenagers are obsessed with how complete strangers view them, and they check their online ratings several times an hour. You have to show enough of your body to entice -- washboard abs and cleavage are sure bets -- but not enough to have your photo rejected by the site moderators. If your ratings climb high enough, the sites will often feature your profile in their ''top girls'' or ''hottest guys'' sections, making some high-school students feel like superstars. Once there, you're likely to receive hundreds of adoring e-mail messages from teenagers around the country, and many local offers to hang out and hook up. For teenagers who already consider themselves attractive, the sites can be an ego boost. And for teenagers who aren't sure, the sites offer a chance -- with the right picture -- to feel wanted, too. But if your ratings are only average, it can be tough. I spoke to several boys with low ratings who tried hard to sound unfazed, but underneath their nonchalance was an obvious hurt. One pouty, brown-haired sophomore in Boston with an average rating called facethejury.com a ''whorehouse for people who hate themselves and the way they look, and search for affirmation from the outside.'' So why is he on it? ''Boredom,'' he told me. ''It's also entertaining in a perverse kind of way. I've had four highly overweight women in their late 20's ask to meet me.'' There's something surreal about teenagers with online personal profiles, and that's especially true when they're 13-year-olds, which is some of what you'll find on buddypic.com. Out of some 50,000 profiles, more than 4,000 are from baby-faced kids around the country. Some lift their shirts in their pictures, showing off their stomachs. Others make it clear what they aren't looking for. ''LOTS of piercings, ugly . . . chicks, snitches, teacher's pets, stinky . . . chicks'' reads one 13-year-old's ''Dislikes'' column. His ''Likes'' column is simpler: ''Sexy body, Blonde, Blue eyes . . . good personality, willing to go out of their way to be with me.'' Buddypic.com is careful to advertise itself as ''fun, clean and real.'' But on facethejury, ''adult'' meeting sites are just a click away. The links are advertised alongside teenage profiles, which makes for some eerie echoes between the self-styled photos of teenage members -- suggestively posed and airbrushed -- and the longstanding conventions of adult erotica. For many teenage boys and some teenage girls, Internet p*rn, cybersex and real-time cam-to-cam connections exert a strong pull. As one Boston teenager told me, ''Who needs the hassle of dating when I've got online p*rn?'' Most of the boys I spoke to said they have access to Internet p*rn, and many said they started watching it regularly at 12, 13 or 14 years old. Some experts maintain that this kind of exposure is a lot more damaging than sneaking a peek at your dad's Playboy collection. ''The Internet gives teen boys the idea that girls are interchangeable sexual objects at their disposal,'' says Lynn Ponton, a professor of psychiatry at the University of California at San Francisco and the author of ''The Sex Lives of Teenagers.'' ''So how can they ever be developmentally ready for a real-life relationship?'' No Pain, All Gain? Yet for all the resemblance of teenage hookup culture to a 70's singles bar, the old stigmas and prejudices haven't disappeared altogether. Most teenagers who engage in hookups still worry about being discreet. ''If you're not careful, by lunch the next day at school, everyone will know,'' says Irene, the senior from the Chicago suburb. ''Some people won't care, but others will, and if it happens too often, it will hurt your reputation.'' And girls aren't the only ones who are worried. David, a boyish, brown-haired, 18-year-old varsity basketball player at an all-boys high school in Chicago, said the same thing. Like many male varsity athletes I spoke to, David says he isn't lacking for hookup possibilities. But he tries to be cautious. After all, too much hooking up can ruin any chances for a future relationship -- and, like many teenagers, he holds out the possibility of dating if the ''perfect'' person comes along. ''I've got like five girls in my phone book I can call or text-message who will give it up to me,'' he says. ''But I don't just hook up with anyone. You have to be careful. I have this huge crush on this girl who knows a lot of the girls I know, and I don't want her to find out I hook up a lot and think I'm dirty.'' David isn't the only teenager who used the word ''dirty'' to describe hookups. Inherent in the thinking of many teenagers is the belief that hooking up, while definitely a mainstream activity, is still one that's best kept quiet. And underneath the teenage bravado I heard so often are mixed feelings about an activity that can leave them feeling depressed, confused and guilty. As much as teenagers like to talk a good game, hooking up isn't nearly as seamless as they'd like it to be, and there are many ways it can go wrong. At the Valentine's Day gathering, Irene and her friends laid out the unwritten etiquette of teenage hookups: if you want it to be a hookup relationship, then you don't call the person for anything except plans to hook up. You don't invite them out with you. You don't call just to say hi. You don't confuse the matter. You just keep it purely sexual, and that way people don't have mixed expectations, and no one gets hurt. But, invariably, people do. Many teenagers told me they were hurt by hookups -- usually because they expected or hoped for more. But they often blamed themselves for letting their emotions get the best of them. The hookups weren't the problem. They were the problem. When Irene was 15, she hooked up for a while with a boy (''We basically became friends with benefits,'' she says) who never came around to asking her out officially, as Irene secretly hoped he would. In the end, she was devastated. ''Since then, I've become really good at keeping my emotions in check,'' she says. ''I can hook up with a guy and not fall for him.'' In fact, many teenagers opt for hookups after a romantic relationship has soured. Boys are less likely to admit this, although Jesse, from New England, isn't afraid to. ''I'd usually hook up because I got my heart broken by a girl, and I didn't want to feel like I had lost everything,'' he said. ''So I'd hear that a girl was interested in me, I'd get a ride to her house, we'd hang out and mess around some and I'd leave. Afterward I'd feel dumb, like it wasn't needed. But before you do it, you feel like it's definitely needed.'' Melissa, a senior in a high school north of Boston, confessed she'd never had a good relationship. ''Dating causes pain,'' she told me when I first communicated with her online. ''It's easier not to get attached. And I realized that if it's O.K. for guys to play the field and have sex with 28,000 people, I should be able to, also.'' The day we met in person, Melissa was in a foul mood. Her ''friend with benefits'' had just broken up with her. ''How is that even possible?'' she said, sitting, shoulders slumped, in a booth at a diner. ''The point of having a friend with benefits is that you won't get broken up with, you won't get hurt. He told me online that he met a girl that he really likes, so now, of course, we can't hook up anymore.'' Melissa and the boy used to meet up about once a week. ''To be honest, we don't even really like hanging out together,'' she told me. They met only to have sex. ''I go to his house, we sit there and talk for two minutes, then we go at it. Then we sit there again for about 10 minutes, and I go home.'' (Clearly, for some teenagers, ''friends with benefits'' is a misnomer. Take away the sex, and they probably wouldn't hang out at all.) Melissa forwarded me one of her online conversations with the boy: Boy: What are you doing other than not talking to me? Melissa: Nothing at all. . . . Boy: Wow, you're as bored as I am?!? . . . Melissa: Booooooooored. Boy: lol. Yup. Life is good. lol. Melissa: Freakin' fantastic. Lemme tell ya. Boy: I wish you lived like next door. . . . It would be so much easier. . . . Like I don't know about you, but I wanna [expletive]. Melissa: U always wanna [expletive]. Boy: True. Melissa: Haha. Boy: But that's cuz we've been talking about it and haven't done it. It's built up. Melissa: That's bc u haven't picked me up yet silly. . . . Well I'm gonna go lay down. U know my number and where I live if things work out soon. Boy: Hey wait. If I can do you wanna come over? Melissa: Sure. So just call me. Boy: Do you have condoms? Melissa: Yes dear. Boy: Hold on. Melissa: I'm holding. Boy: I can come get you right now if you want. Melissa: Um gimme a sec. . . . Boy: O.K.?? I'll come get you now if you're ready. . . . Melissa: But I'm gonna be boring tonite . . . and I'm just telling u I'm not in the mood for nething but str8-up sex.
