Tact with Married Folks who want to be Single

been married, been single - am single.

I think it mostly depends on the type of person you are. I like my space and my freedom. There are women out there who don't mind allowing you that freedom - and they all seem to start off that way - but after the last go 'round I won't be trying it again for a good while.

In our instance in seemed like the perfect match. We both played music and mostly had the same interests. I built a cool little studio in the back yard with lots of nice musical goodies, had a garden and a generally beautiful spot to call home. I would have friends over a couple of times a month to play music and drink beer and that eventually pissed her off for some reason. Some of it was completely unrelated - but a bit of it was also just our different musical backgrounds. She was a classically trained graduate from North Texas State and I'm a blues/rock hack. She had to have things structured just so and I was happy to improvise with a group of musicians. For some reason having friends over to drink and play made her jealous even as we all tried in vain to get her to come out and play as well.

The end of it was her tearing into a friend of mine as he was walking up to the door one afternoon before he had a chance to say a word. He just gave her a hug, told her he loved her and left. The next thing ya' know I'm selling a 50's Hammond organ and loading up the van with the few things I can carry (leaving behind a nice SG, a tube amp and a Yamaha S-80 amongst other goodies). We had a fabulous relationship at one point. And there are definately times where I miss that guitar...

the long and the short of it is that I won't ever put myself in that position again. I like being single. I like freedom. Call me selfish but I refer to myself as happy.

When it comes to tact with married folks - I don't have any so I just keep my mouth shut. Same with the ones that tell you they are getting married. I say congratulations with as much enthusiasm as I can muster (which isn't much) and then talk about the weather.

Cheers,
Brock

The SErfs ate my Myspace comment

 

I just realized that I strayed pretty hard from the actual topic. Sorry about that.

Anyway. I find myself in a difficult spot with a married friend of mine. One of my best friends, actually. A couple years back when said friend and I were roommates, I was banging this chick from work. We'd literally go out, get plowed, and go home and have wild drunk sex. She wanted more (emotionally), I didn't (emotionally), so after a couple months we ended our "get drunk and have sex" relationship, if it can be called a relationship, that is.

I, of course, hadn't been shy about telling everyone, including my friend/roommate, all the details. Well, my buddy married this same chick a couple years later. Don't forget: he and I were roommates when she and I were having loud, freaky drunk sex.

While they were dating, they had all sorts of problems. She'd pull all kinds of control-issue nonsense with him like withholding sex and generally being rather emotionally unstable. He, of course, being the bull-headed, stubborn-as-f*ck idealist that he is, figured getting married would solve all their problems.

It didn't.

I, and all the rest of his friends, tried to tell him that getting married wouldn't fix a damn thing. In fact, that it would only amplify these problems. The time eventually came to let our friend make his own mistakes, though we all prayed that he was right and we were wrong.

Guess who was right. Did I mention I stood up in their wedding?

christ.......

Now he dumps all of their problems on me. My best friend is unhappy as hell and wants to make his marriage work, wants to go to marriage counseling, all this stuff, and she is totally resistant and doesn't want to admit that she has some serious control issues. Actually, she'll admit to plenty of issues, usually in the form of going into "save me" mode and crying to him and telling him that she's "broken," and its "all her fault," which of course leaves his anxious ass feeling guilty and blaming himself. And she still won't sleep with him, and when she does, he's too freaked out and beaten down to want it himself.

Self-fulfilling prophecy at this point: He initiates; she says no, blames herself and cries, which in turn leaves him feeling anxious, upset, and guilty. She initiates (which is rare); he's reminded of all of the above, can't consent without all of this on his mind, which in turn allows her to continue feeling broken and that its all her fault, which leaves him feeling anxious, upset, and guilty.

Notice the pattern? My buddy has issues of his own, but due to his previously-mentioned bull-headed stubbornness, he won't hear, listen to, or accept that his own ******* self-esteem issues have him feeling that he somehow deserves this, and his anxiety gets in the way of everything.

Beaten down, he uses me to vent, which I'm fine with, but I'm in one hell of an awkward situation given the fact I was banging his wife-before-she-was-his-wife, and telling him all the details. She had no sex issues when she was with me, and he's well aware of this without me having to say anything on the subject.

And on top of all THAT, she STILL FLIRTS WITH ME. Example: We're all at a party. My friend mentions that his wife and I used to date. She rather loudly informs others that dating was the furthest thing from what we were doing. And she's done that more than once.

I'm afraid she'll seriously try to use me to ruin their marriage. I mean 'seriously' in terms of something way more than comments like the one above. I would never participate in any kind of Jerry Springer moment like this has the potential of becoming, but I may not have any choice in the matter. If she comes on to me, I'll have to tell him, which involves me in this a hell of a lot more than I care to be involved.

Sorry, Sishir. I can't seem to post in this thread without making it all about me. I've needed to get this out for quite some time.

What a mess....

 

Lynus,

I don't think you should be involved at all if you don't want to. Your friend decided to get married despite knowing what he knew... I think you have every right to distance yourself from them if that's what you want to do...

The dynamics of marriage are so different around the world.

Over there, you guys are thinking of how awful it would be to give up single life activities... Over here most people are thinking about finding the right balance of when they want to get married and making sure it happens at a good time so your parents are around to see your marriage and your kids grow...

 

I was thinking of a married friend I had back when I was still single. He used to love to hear stories of wild and crazy single times, because he said that he could live vicariously through those stories.

He would encourage more and more debaucherous things.

So some married guys who are missing that life might want to hear more stories.

 

I have a friend who is married with 2 kids. He's in his early 30's, younger than me. He also loves to hear my single stories, probably for the same reason your friend liked to hear yours.

But the thing is, I know for a FACT that, when it comes right down to it, he wouldn't trade his married/with children life for anything. I totally respect that and frankly...I admire it.

Ironically, I like to hear his married stories too.

I'm in my mid 30's and I'm ready to settle down. I've really enjoyed being single and I have NO REGRETS but I'm ready to start the next phase of my life and start procreating. I wasn't ready in my 20's and I'm glad I didn't rush into anything. I'm also glad I found a woman who is in the exact same place in her life as I am.

 

My problem is that I'm a married guy with a host of single-life stories of interest to me, but not really to anyone else. They happened so far back in the past that some of you weren't even born. I'm beginning to think it's akin to some codger telling tales of the Roaring 20's in the 1950's. Little current culture that relates to the craziness that went on except as a dusty historical period studied in college with an attitude of "Oh, sure... like they really did that!"

 

Yeah, I understand that. This guy liked stories of what we did just the past weekend, so it was still pretty fresh at the time.

 

I know a few married couples. Actually 5 of my friends are now married and 4 of them are headed to divorce. 2 of them got married because of the woman getting pregnant so they decided to do the "right thing". The other 2 seemed to get married because they both were in their late 20s and felt like it was time.

The one that is going well is the most surprising. I never figured they would make it as they are so different and most of the time it seems like they are just putting up with each other, but for some reason it is working big time.

 

Yes very true. I never talked about that kind of thing around friends' wives, just the husbands. It would probably awkward for everyone involved discussing those things around both partners of a married couple.

 

A lot of my married friends don't have the same approach to marriage as most people. I'll call them "unconventional" marriages. They don't live out in the 'burbs. Many of them don't have kids or their kids are in their teens and self-sufficient. Most of them still go out and have hobbies that take them out of the home.

There are certainly some iffy marriages mixed in with the good one's, but I don't often have guys complaining to me about their marriages or women for that matter. For the most part, they seem happy.

Occassionally, I'll have a friend who will complain about small things, but I can't think of a single instance where they would trade their wives and kids for anything else.

Generally, the one's who I've known who are unhappy in marriage are just plain unhappy people to begin with.

 

Coming from someone that got married at a young age and am now single and dating, I have one thing to say. Aaaahhh!!!

This is kinda scary. I was dating a girl that basically just wants sex, which is cool but I'm a little out of practice being restricted and all for many years.

Oh and then there was that psycho elementary school nurse thing that ended before it started.

I have a lot to learn about dealing with women.

What can I say. I'm a 39-year old teenager.

 

I'm still pretty young, only 23, and really only have one good friend that is married. In high school, I wasn't the type to have a large amount of friends, but preferred the small, tight-knit group of really close friends. Anyways, this married guy, well, he seems to be absolutely miserable in marriage. I don't know why he got married, because he always cheated on his girlfriend. My best friend and I tried to talk the guy out of getting married to his chick. There's nothing wrong with his wife, but it just didn't make sense for him to propose and get married. Now, he's a professional pilot, and whenever he gets the chance he will fly up here to where my best friend and I live and always wants to go to the strip club. He'll point at his wedding band and say stuff like "this is the best form of birth control ever created. I NEVER get sex now!"

When we'd ask him why he was getting married, he never said **** like "oh, well, I really love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her," but would say stuff along the lines of "oh I just need to make myself settle down." He was like 21 when he'd say this stuff!

I don't know if I really have a point, but it seems like a lot of people date a person long enough to think that they HAVE to get married just because it's the only place left that their relationship has to go. I'm not sure if people seriously think "OK, I'm getting married and going to be with this person for the rest of my life" rather than "Well, there's no point in not getting married if we've been dating this long." It seems the same, but I think it's just really different, and can lead to that feeling that they're trapped in a bad situation and can't get out of it simply because they are married.

 

Dude, you and I need to get together and share stories. Sounds like we travelled a VERY similar path.

 

Pretty astute for someone of your age and experience.

 

Anytime man

You helped me a great deal with your advice last summer.

I'm just glad I moved on after that ordeal. It was crazzzzy I tell ya.

CRAY-Z!!!

 

The obvious solution to all of these marital problems.....

....is an "open marriage".