[Study] 87 Percent Of Movies Would Be Better With Michael Keaton In Them

Shroopy2 · Feb 27, 2011

Study: 87 Percent Of Movies Would Be Better With Michael Keaton In Them

LOS ANGELES—According to a comprehensive study released this week by researchers at UCLA, 87 percent of feature-length motion pictures would be significantly improved by the addition of 59-year-old film and television actor Michael Keaton.

Experts say adding even a few seconds of Michael Keaton would substantially improve most films.

The report, which gathered film data and survey results over a 12-year period, found that simply by adding Michael Keaton—either in a showy, leading-man part; a delicious, scene-stealing supporting role; or even an unexpected but heartily welcome cameo appearance—nearly 9 in 10 films would rate as at least "better," and in many cases "much better."

"According to our results, the mere presence of Michael Keaton acts as a catalyst by which the quality of a film rises exponentially in relation to his screen time," said lead researcher Dr. Jonathan Scott, who has been studying Keaton intensively since the actor's appearance in the 1982 comedy Night Shift. "Ninety-three percent of comedies would be improved by the addition of his manic, live-wire energy, while a full 72 percent of dramatic features would benefit from his surprisingly adept touch with tender characterizations."

"Overall, we were impressed by these results, although one can hardly call them surprising," Scott continued. "I mean, of course these films would be better. It's Michael Keaton."

After observing how Michael Keaton made the otherwise unwatchable films Jack Frost and My Life 58 percent more watchable, researchers said they determined that 100 percent of films of equal or lesser quality would have experienced similar results if Michael Keaton had been cast in them.

In addition, a film's genre had no noticeable effect on the results, with the report concluding that Michael Keaton is equally at home in blockbuster action films like Batman, broad farces like Johnny Dangerously, and emotionally harrowing films like Clean And Sober.

Further analysis found that the film The Hunt for Red October would have been 31 percent more solid with Michael Keaton in the Alec Baldwin role.

"The remarkable versatility of Michael Keaton was a key factor in the resulting data," said Scott, gesturing to a screen behind him playing Michael Keaton's famous "wubby" speech from the 1983 film Mr. Mom. "In fact, his mastery of his craft posed a series of further questions to our team: questions such as, 'Is there any role that Michael Keaton can't play?' and 'Why is Michael Keaton not being utilized more in movies these days?'"

Another significant finding was that many classic films heretofore believed to be impossible to improve upon—including Citizen Kane, The Seven Samurai, The Battleship Potemkin, and Pinocchio—would actually be enhanced substantially by an on-screen appearance by Michael Keaton in some capacity, if only for a few precious moments.

"We determined that if Charlie Chaplin had simply turned the camera on Michael Keaton for five minutes in City Lights and just let him go wild like in Beetlejuice, then that film would be at least 12 percent stronger than it is now," said Scott, adding that Michael Keaton's work as a psychotic killer in Pacific Heights proves he also would have considerably aided Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho. "And a majority of movies double in quality if, while watching them, the viewer imagines the way Michael Keaton would deliver a given character's lines."

"Conventional wisdom would tell us that these figures are impossible, as Michael Keaton is far from being some great Shakespearean actor," Scott continued. "But that's where conventional wisdom is wrong: Michael Keaton is a great Shakespearean actor. He played Dogberry in Kenneth Branagh's adaptation of Much Ado About Nothing and he crushed it— just knocked it right out of the park. "

Researchers concluded their remarks by claiming that a number of films already featuring Michael Keaton, including Jackie Brown, The Dream Team, and The Other Guys, would have greatly benefited from the insertion of even more Michael Keaton into certain scenes, preferably every scene.

In response to the UCLA team's announcement, actor Michael Keaton downplayed the findings.

"Okay, you guys," said Keaton, instantly making a newspaper article better simply by appearing briefly and uttering a few words. "Settle down."

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And forums threads. And I can think of other things.

I think it mentioned it in the article already ...

but ......

there's A PARTICULAR movie it was made in the 90s where he's a father-to-be who's dying? And he's shooting videos of himself for his unborn son to see when the child gets older? Can't quite remember...

chestr · Feb 27, 2011

You do realize the onion is a joke site right?

percicles · Feb 27, 2011

aghast · Feb 27, 2011

[rquoter]...Researchers concluded their remarks by claiming that a number of films already featuring Michael Keaton... would have greatly benefited from the insertion of even more Michael Keaton into certain scenes, preferably every scene...[/rquoter]
This part is true. Mulitplicity is easily the greatest film ever.

I've never been able to figure out why, until now.

eMat · Feb 27, 2011

Shroopy2 said: ↑

Study: 87 Percent Of Movies Would Be Better With Michael Keaton In Them

there's A PARTICULAR movie it was made in the 90s where he's a father-to-be who's dying? And he's shooting videos of himself for his unborn son to see when the child gets older? Can't quite remember...
Click to expand...

My Life, starring Michael Keaton.

weslinder · Feb 27, 2011

MadMax writes for the Onion? Who knew?

VanityHalfBlack · Feb 27, 2011

Michael Keaton is a legend... Beetle Juice
Nuff Said.....

NewRoxFan · Feb 27, 2011

White Noise. I threw my TV away after watching Keaton's performance in that one.

durvasa · Feb 27, 2011

I know its a joke, but this would actually be an interesting study. Its sort of like an adjusted +/-, for movie stars.

KingCheetah · Feb 27, 2011

chestr said: ↑

You do realize the onion is a joke site right?
Click to expand...

You do realize you just ruined the joke with the first post... right?

Bandwagoner · Feb 27, 2011

I think My Life was great. I should start a thread about it.

tmoney1101 · Feb 27, 2011

I couldn't agree more, watched johnny dangerously last night.:grin:

Dairy Ashford · Feb 27, 2011

I actually enjoyed the heck out of Multiplicity, but Keaton vaporized in the mid-to-late '90s because he lacked the charm for romantic comedies or the charisma for Farrelly-Apatow goof-offs. But like most former A-listers, he's probably been making a mint just doing a constant stream of supporting/dad roles, TV guest appearances and direct-to-video type starring roles; just because the demand for content is so much more than it was 15-20 years ago.

I think the last thing I saw him in was "Post-Graduate", god that was awful.

Shroopy2 · Feb 27, 2011

KingCheetah said: ↑

You do realize you just ruined the joke with the first post... right?
Click to expand...

Even still, the overall effect is lessened considering that it contains Michael Keaton to offset the damage

Shroopy2 · Feb 27, 2011

durvasa said: ↑

I know its a joke, but this would actually be an interesting study. Its sort of like an adjusted +/-, for movie stars.
Click to expand...

That would be NICE. You could measure performance through different stages of the movie. Would Michael Keaton work better in the beginning, middle, the end? Does he affect the climax any better or worse? Do you want Michael Keaton with the "lines" in his hands taking "the last shot"?

Fatty FatBastard · Feb 27, 2011

chestr said: ↑

You do realize the onion is a joke site right?
Click to expand...

<iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/BvTNyKIGXiI" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

StupidMoniker · Feb 28, 2011

pouhe said: ↑

I think the last thing I saw him in was "Post-Graduate", god that was awful.
Click to expand...

You should check out The Other Guys. The movie is fantastic and Keaton is excellent in it.

GRENDEL · Feb 28, 2011

DreamRoxCoogFan · Feb 28, 2011

"Within one day, that robot has come up with 1,000 new movie ideas. 800 of which feature Adam Sandler. "

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[Study] 87 Percent Of Movies Would Be Better With Michael Keaton In Them

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