worked through a whole lot in my marriage and its now better than ever. if there's anything there , any spark, you can grab onto, then hold onto that for dear life. if you cant see ANY positives, walk away. I dont mean to come off sounding simplistic , but sometimes the simplest decisions are made by drawing a line in the sand. good luck buddy.
most relationships don't work because people portray themselves to be something other than they really are during the dating process and then feel obligated to try and keep up the charade. When they get sick of trying to be something they aren't, they show the "real" side of them and it completely freaks the other person out and makes them feel very insecure. I cannot stress enough how vital communication and realness are, if you hold anything back its a mark against you. I know this because unlike most people I'm actually smart and perceptive and have learned from watching idiots like you **** up repeatedly. But in your case Manny, I think its obvious you rushed into things. I know you somewhat on a personal level and your personality and situation made you a very vulnerable target. I think you owe it to yourself and your wife to try and make things work out for a while, but if things don't improve the writing is on the wall. Get out while you still can. STILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN. (sorry) Hang tough man, I have no clue what it feels like to be going through what you are, but I know you're a good guy and you'll make the right decision.
Mmk, sorry if I tended to imply that. I don't know what either situation feels like, because I've never been married nor do I ever hope to be a man. FYI...the family I'm envisioning is not the family you're envisioning. I don't plan on making my career "housewife," and depending on my husband for everything. I've never wanted that and I never will. That's for damn sure. I will be making money too. There's just a certain element there of a woman's desire to be, well, desirable. That is what has caused many crimes of passion, such as the Clara Harris case. This kind of psychological stuff can screw people up big time.
Manny, I get the impression that a lot of what's bugging you is related to how she spends money. If that's the case (don't know!), then counseling could really help.
manny -- one more thing. there is a notion out there that marriage is 50/50. sometimes it is. other times it's 80/20...sometimes it's 90/10...sometimes it feels like 100/0. that's the reality of it. you'll ultimately find yourself on both sides of that equation at some point. 50/50 is a utopian idea that doesn't comport with reality. it just doesn't work that way. each of you will treat the other unjustly from time to time. but be quick to forgive and move through it...working on making sure it doesn't happen again. the concern is when you or she no longer cares if you treat the other poorly again.
What he said...I couldn't have said it better myself...Manny is asking for advice, not you're judgements on him and other who have had unfortunate troubles in their relationship...Each situation is different...It's not that you're not entitled to your opinion, you just sound like a big hairy, greasy ass... Manny, hope you figure it out...
Manny please email me if you need someone to talk to. I wish I could post the latest on my marriage/divorce situation, but good lord it's so f'kin crazy.
Alright there big guy...you ask a question "stay unhappily married or divorce"? I answer it with my input (without pointing a finger at YOU...more in a general sense) and you get all defensive about it. Can i ask you a question that i really want answered? Why the hell did you ask a question if you aren't willing to listen to the answers? Seems like you just wanted to stir up some folks with a very debatable topic. Don't ask a question that you aren't willing to have answered. You can't say that you weren't expecting people to have my point of view...YOU KNEW it would happen and then you get all pissy about it.
I think the problem that most ppl have is they believe everything is permanent. In reality everything is temporary. Your health, looks, possesions, family, kids, etc.. and even marriage. What happens when you think these things last forever, is you develop dangerous attachment to these things. These things start to own you instead of you owning them. When you can truly have no attachment to anything, everything becomes clearer. Everything should be enjoyed in that moment, and nothing is to be longed for in the past or future. When you do not let go- something similiar to what happened in the Amish school house shootings happen. It clearly is a case of attachments and resentments taking hold, and people making irrational decisions. Sorry about this Zen diatribe, but this always helps me get past things. Just take it day by day, and focus on whats good in your life. If you can put the parts together and see that your marriage is not making you happy today, then you might need to re-evaluate it.
That sums it up. If it is unhappy because the match was not meant to be, then end it. If it is unhappy for immature (no offense, we all have issues) reasons and/or cohabitation irritations, work it out.
Manny: I'm sorry that everybody peeked behind the curtain of your poll... One question: how does your wife treat you in front of her daughter? I had a friend who got married on short notice to a woman with a 6YO daughter. Within a few months they had another daughter. They always had problems but it was made infinitely worse (AND IT WAS A HUGE INDICATOR) by the way that my friend's wife treated him in front of her daughter-- no respect, no concern, no sensitivity, no nothing. They were divorced within two years and she was re-married about three months later: her third that I know about. I've been married twice: the first lasted about 14 years and my 10th anniversary is upcoming at the end of this month. Don't think this cynical, but NOTHING IS MEANT TO BE. You have to appreciate it, cultivate it, work for it and be grateful for it in both little ways and big ways. It's both exhilerating and exhausting. Throw kids in and it gets even better but even more complex. I hope you get what you BOTH want and I hope you get it at the same time and in the same way.
Ain't no black-and-white answer to a question like this. As with most things, every marriage is different, and no outsider, not even a really opinionated one, can tell you what the proper course is when it gets rough. People break commitments all the time for the sake of their happiness. Soldiers go AWOL. Perfectly healthy people call in sick to go to baseball games. The white man settles the West. Priests ****. Movie release dates get pushed back. Married people get divorced. It happens. I certainly don't think it's desirable. But none of us are in your situation - none of us have the right to push you toward divorce, and certainly none of us have the right to ridicule you for considering the option. I saw a license plate on the way home from work today that was something like "GBB-7298" and I was like, "Holy ****, 29 in homers?! I want that dude!"
Jeez, DEFENSIVE man. Turn the other cheek. No wonder she wants out. Anyway, Manny... I will say it again: STAY TOGETHER.
A great Zen diatribe and so true. Attachments are such a trap in our lives. In this thread alone you see so much attachment to what certain posters feel that marriage should be. Marriage is forever, etc. Really the only thing that is forever is that everything changes. My advice is to deal with the situation, accept it, and forgive her completely. I heard a little saying about forgiveness a while back that just really resonated with me. It said, forgiveness is letting go of your wish for a different past. If you cannot forgive her in your own heart, you are going to continue to have problems and it'll get worse.
