man swilkins I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I am currently going through a divorce myself and am trying to find out how to start over again as well. This is the first time I have been by myself(except I have a son as well that lives with me) in 6 years. It is difficult when it is very quiet and no one is around when you are not used to that. The worst part is just that it all hurts. Me and my wife split up 2 months ago and the divorce will be final within the next 2 months but man it still hurts. Even though I am the one that wanted it when you are with someone every day for so long it is tough to readjust your life and get to a place that seems "normal" Keep your head up and I feel for you. Keep everything civil like you are doing because that is the best way to do it. I have been trying to do the same after learning my wife is now pregnant with another man's child. Part of me wants to be so mad at her for doing this less than 2 months after splitting up, but I try to tell myself that things will get better and the best route is to just be cool and handle things without rage involved. Good luck to you in the future and here is to starting over at 38 and for me 27.
Have you ask his/her opinion wrt needing a lawyer for the divorce? My opinion is that you may be too close emotionally to the situation to make the right decision. Making the wrong decision could put the screws to you, even moreso. Having a lawyer drive you through the divorce process could take a real burden off of your soldiers during a very difficult time. BTW your wife's gfs are pounding her everyday to get a lawyer and protect her interests.
You cannot possibly know this from his posts here. And, if I may interject (I don't want to derail this thread), one of the reasons I slowed the number of posts I made, particularly in the Hangout and D&D, is because of my own thread about getting divorced. While many, MANY people here were absolutely great and considerate, there were quite a few others who began making assumptions about me, my ex and our divorce. There were those who even seemed irritated when I wouldn't go into detail as to what happened. swilkins made this post: It's as if he has to explain himself to people who don't think he knows what he is doing. He came in looking for some emotional support and even stated clearly that he didn't want people hurling insults and the lease we can do is respect those wishes and provide him the moral support he needs. He shouldn't have to defend his decisions. If he says he's ok on the financial and legal end, I am going to trust his judgement. If he wants our help on that, I'm sure he'll ask. Like him, I'm tremendously grateful for the tons of great people on this board. Quite of few of them are people I now call friends thanks to the wonders of the internet. But, the reality is, we have no idea what swilkins or anyone else on this board is going through. We can guess. We can conjecture. We can offer advice. In the end, however, we just don't know because we only see a tiny slice of the story. It's why I prefer to give him and everyone else the benefit of the doubt when he says he knows what he is doing.
Hey swilkins I thought I would through this link out to you as it literally saved my sister's life after her husband cheated on her. Go sign up over at their forum it literally is made up of about 10,000 and still counting victims of infidelity who have been where you are and are currently experiencing what you are going through right now. It is an increible site for support. Here is the link: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com
Lawyers always say you need a lawyer. How can you trust his input? What if he could have had a relatively nice and easy divorce, but his insecurity catalyzed a bitter war?
I'm not a family law practitioner, but from my own practice, one thing I have noticed is that <i>if</i> someone ends up needing a lawyer for whatever the reason or the issue, it inevitably becomes <i>much</i> more expensive to sort through the lack of planning/layman's mistakes. Having said that, I typically counsel my own friends and family to avoid retaining counsel if it can be avoided. Doctors, lawyers and car mechanics are 3 types of folks I try my hardest to avoid (preventative care excluded).
Remember my first lawyer suggestion was to get a single lawyer and mediate the divorce. Such an arrangement would keep both parties honest, as long as they agreed to continue with mediation. A third party could also mitigate the emotaional roller coaster of the divorce process. The bad divorce stories that I've heard involve one trusting spouse and one spouse that can not be trusted. The ending was quite predictable. One friend of a friend had to file for bankrupcy due to not cancelling credit cards promptly. FWIW I don't take these stories on face value, but I do know that he filed for bunkrucpy. I don't know of any "good" divorce stories. Divorces that I have seen have been bad to worse, with a whole lot of bad behavior on all sides. Amicable divorces could happed all the time, just to none of my friends.
Great post Jeff, but do you think he should tell the wife of his wife's lover? I am sure Swilkins will be fine, he seems to have a great head on his shoulders and it was better that he found out now so he can get on with living. But, the wife of the other guy still doesn't know, and he could be giving her diseases, it is for that reason alone I think he should spill the beans. DD
I agree with Jeff. Avoid any new confrontation. Keep doing what you're doing in getting your life on a new positive path. Love your son, but try to avoid any negative comments about his mother. Concentrate on rebuilding your own life because things will get better once this heartbreak is in the past. Good luck.
It is just a very dangerous thing to get into though. It would be great if somehow she could find a clue about his extra-maritial affair without openly pointing to swilkins as the source. It may suck for her in our opinion, but maybe for her ignorance is bliss.
I see your point, but I think most people here are just basing their advice on their own experiences as opposed to pretending to know everything about his situation. I haven't read every response, but it seems to me that most everyone here is just trying to help in any way they can.
My wife told me that the guy told her that his wife is a swinger. They do this often, but she knows nothing of this affair. Having said that, I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know what this guy is capable of doing. It's all too much to take in. If he lied about this, what else is he capable of doing. I don't want to do anything to jeapardize my family, including my wife. If she lied, oh well. It's not like it will get us back together. I'm not going to call his house to take that chance. I'm not. Thinking of him alone makes me want to rip him apart. I'm completely sick of this whole thing, but will push forward. If she is actually not a swinger and gets an STD, she'll know where she got it and he'll have to pay for it. I'm not going to get involved with his F'd up family. Mine is F'd up enough. I have enough to deal with.
good luck wilkins. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. You sound as in control as possible. Take care of yourself. Take care of your family.
Hey, if you're mature enough not to play the revenge card, then good for you. You have no duty to the guy your wife boinked or the scumbag's wife. You're just an innocent party. What the cheating scumbag is doing to HIS family will be his burden to bear, not yours or anyone else.
Absolutely not. You have NO idea what the consequences are for doing that. Plus, given his involvement, he would not be playing good samaritan. Getting involved in the affairs of others is a BAD idea and may actually make things worse. You cannot assume that contacting her would: a. Be good for her. b. Be good for you. c. Make you or her feel better. Chances are better that it will make things worse. If this guy continues to behave in this way, his wife will find out in her time. And, as swilkins said, there is a chance the wife may be just as crazy and talking to her could expand this to a whole new level of weird.
You cannot possibly know this from his posts here. BTW the only time I saw the I-am-telling-the-other-person's-spouse card played was in the middle of one of the nastiest divorces I have ever witnessed. FWIW.
I just want to let everyone know that I know that you all mean well. I'm not taking offense to the differing opinions. There are different ways to do things based on what you have to work with. I am greatful that so many people have put their heart into their responses. She just signed her apartment lease and I started to cry when I hung up the phone. I know she was wrong and this must be done, but it hurts so bad. I loved her so much and would have done anything for her. I dropped by Carmax today and asked for a quote on my C3 and they offered 14,500. What a jip. I only owe 3,700 on it and need to decide whether it is best to just pay it off with the limited money in the bank and save 550 bucks per month to apply to one of my new solo bills or take the money and use some to pay it off, some towards a lease that has lower payments and then the remaining cash towards Uncle Sam. Damn you CarMax. I wanted a little more than 14.5. ProLease was offering 15 and didn't even need to see it. Geez.
If you can afford to take the time, you could probably get more selling it yourself, say using Auto Trader. If you need to sell it quick, then you'll have to take less and consider it the convenience charge.
I think I might just keep it. This truck was worth a hell of a lot more, before these gas prices went through the roof. Fortunately, I am 3 miles from work. That 550 per month extra gives me something I can use now and still leaves the option of trading or selling it if I need to later. I'll go over this one more time tonight and make my decision. I hope my house sells quick. I'm still not done getting it ready to sell. I lucked out and met some mexican fellows working on a house across the street and asked if they wouldn't mind a little money on the side. The guy I spoke to was very enthusiastic and should call me this week. I hope this goes well.
