swilkens, our prayers are with you... also, how is your son holding up? this must be very traumatic for him...
I read this board frequently but seldom post. I am going to un-lurk because this is important. I am pounding my table as I am reading this thread. I will be very direct and loud here to hopefully get your attention QUIT BEING SO F-ING NICE. SHE SCREWED YOU NUMEROUS TIMES AND IS OBVIOUSLY UNSTABLE. GET A LAWYER...FIGHT FOR EVERYTHING....OTHERWISE SHE WILL CONTINUE TO SCREW YOU. ALSO, CUT OFF CONTACT WITH HER AND TELL THE GUY'S WIFE. SHE DESERVES TO KNOW. I don't know you but I have seen this story many times; your niceness is what caused this. Your niceness, at the moment, is a way of coping with and rationalizing the pain. Your niceness is going to cost you big time if you follow your stated plan with this woman. You will be in bankruptcy court if you don't get a lawyer and get agressive. You will need a lawyer when you are in bankruptcy court so the choice is lawyer now or lawyer then. Quit feeling sorry for her. Good luck. TC
I'm sorry to hear that. It must be really tough, butd on't worry you'll bounce back! 38 is the new 28!
This has got to be one of the worst if not the worst story I have heard about this kind of thing. I know that kind of stuff can just rip your heart out. It sounds like for the most part you are handling it well. It has to be hard. I am sure your wife is in a bad way right now. I am also sure she needs help. But at this point you have to let her see to that. Or try and find a way to lead her to seek help without getting involved or talking to her anymore than is absolutely necessary. I think you are doing the right thing by wanting her to get help. Aferall the bad things she did, doesn't change the fact that there were good things too. But remember the reverse is also true. Her breakdown and bad times may be the thing she neds to get her life in order. It is something that she will have to go through and pull herself out of. Wish her the best but don't have anymore to do with her than you have to. Like others said support your son, and try and not speak ill of his mother to him, or around him. Best of luck. I am pulling for you.
I know it is callous, but WHO CARES if she needs help? Swilkens needs help, and he should be worrying about his own needs, and challenges. She CHOSE to do these things, she CHOSE to violate the trust, she CHOSE to stay in contact with the guy, she has made here choice, please stop protecting her.......Protect yourself....get a LAWYER now, and get in contact with that man's wife. Don't protect the guilty, protect the innocent. DD
Well she is still a person. I agree that Swilkens shouldn't be the one to help her. But she does need help. Like I said that bad things she has done doesn't change that she was the person who did good things and at times was good for Swilkens. It is humane for him to want her to get straight. I think that attitude will help him get over bitterness and move on with his own new life. If he carries bitterness it will only hurt his attempts to move on. It isn't healthy for him to worry and obsessabout it, take her back, or try to instigate that help himself.
S, I think your wife will try to come back every wayward ship needs a port in the storm you are her port you are her safe harbor she likes to go out and be wild etc then come home to you and she would have ash*t fit if you did the same I can almost GUARANTEE all this sweetness and understanding yuo getting now. . . will go the way of the weasel when you find the next girl the second you find a replace ment. . .you will see THE HATRED as of now you are her IN CASE OF EMERGENCE BREAK GLASS guy Rocket River
I do not agree His niceness will only get him hurt more HOW MUCH MUST HE SACRIFICE FOR HER??? *HIS LIFE* he needs to get down off the cross and start taking care of himself and his son . . she should not even be in the picture The longer he around her. . . the longer it will take to get beyond her the longer he will hurt . . . at this point . . .IT IS ABOUT HIM AND HIS SON why in the h*ll should she even count Rocket River
Hang in there Swilkens.. Things can only get better after this.. I agree with the rest of the guys about getting a lawyer and letting the cheating guy's know what happened.. Seeing how nice a guy you are, I would also agree that cutting contact between you and her is necessary for you and your son to start anew and also to prevent getting hurt again. Think about what it takes to start life anew and do whatever it takes.. Be it moving to somewhere new and far away or getting a lawyer and make sure you don't end up with big debts.. Maybe its time to be a little more selfish.. I think you deserve better.. Good luck man.. I hope everything gets settled the way you want it to be.. Just remember to be ready in case anything goes wrong.. Don't forgot that this world is still full of beautiful and filled with wonderful people you have yet to meet.. Life is just beginning at 38, here's to a great new start for you and your son! *downs a glass of water* Cheers man.
swilkens- You've handled this situation really well, and I commend you for it. I agree with the other posters, though, that say you have GOT to protect yourself. You can never be too careful, especially considering how unstable she is right now. Good luck, man. You'll get through this.
I'm hearing a lot of people here getting on your case swilkens to get back at your wife. I can understand the desire to want to hurt somebody who hurt you but you have to ask yourself is that going to help you or your family? Yes you should protect yourself by getting a lawyer and locking down your financials but I'm glad to see that you're handling this in the way you are and I don't think your niceness is a weakness but a strength. Even though your son is an adult if you can part without bitterness and drawing things out by getting back at your wife the better things will be for you and your son in the long run. As for telling the other guy's family as I before I can't give you advice on that without knowing more but I do think it is important to consider what might happen to his family. Yes he's the one guilty of cheating but you will be the one telling them that news. At the minimum since you've contacted this guy before perhaps you should tell him that he should go tell his family or you will.
Hey, swilkins, just saw this. Seriously, drop me an email if you feel like it. I'd prefer not to give this sort of advice on the BBS. jbalke@tworoadsmedia.com
Actually, DD, speaking from experience, this is a HORRIBLE idea with a lot of unforseen consequences. Going out to try and exact revenge or give someone else information where it isn't your place to do so and has nothing to do with you will solve nothing and will only create greater problems down the road. And, in reality, by blabbing to the guy's wife, you are injuring the innocent - the woman whose husband is cheating and who doesn't know. You have NO idea who they are, what their lives will be, what results will come of what you tell them. Frankly, it is NONE of your business. Speaking from experience again, there is a good chance the woman gets seriously pissed at YOU for calling in the first place. Trying to add injury to someone else won't solve ANYTHING. It will only make it worse. As you said, tend to your OWN business and let them take care of themselves. There's enough destruction in these situations to go around. Besides, why would you want to make it more complicated by adding another person to an already emotionally difficult circumstance? Why make it worse and create MORE drama? The situation is difficult enough and stressful enough. Just let it be.
I agreed to pay half of the debt as much of it is family vacations. I am not paying for what is not mine. I get to pick the furniture I want, including the wide-screen. I don't need much more. I can get money for my truck that is mine. Selling the house will take care of a huge chunk. Sure I can be nice, but I've also done nothing but reminder her of what she did. I need to leave her alone and let her figure things out. Being around her has only made things worse. We both make very good salaries. We both make about the same amount of money. When we get the brunt of the debt covered by the house, we won't need to rely on each other. Did I mention that all the debt was in her name. All the bills in mine name were not late. There was only a few though. Her new job has put a huge toll on her and I don't think she really knows what she wants. She knows that it will not involve me. She loves her kids and treats them wonderful. This is between me and her. At this point in time, it doesn't need to be complicated. I am prepared, if things do change. Both our kids are old enough to live on their own. Sure they are hurt, but old enough to understand and provide loving support. I don't think I am being too nice. I am trying to do what is best, without anymore hurting. That is not an easy thing to do, but I feel it is the right thing to do. Only time will tell, whether it was the right decision. My wife does regret hurting me. Her secret is now out and she couldn't feel more alone. We did have plenty of great times in the 21 years. I want her to move on too. I want her to be there for the kids. She's a mess and there is nothing I can say to change that. Her daughter and mother still don't know. I just asked my sister to call her in a day or 2, because she has been in a similar situation. She's on her 3rd husband. Her and my wife are very good friends and my wife hasn't called her. She has no one to talk, but the guy (who I threatened to stay away). Do you think he wants to get involved at this point? Probably not. Maybe it hasn't completely soaked in yet. I'll update everyone on the progress of this. I may seem too optimistic. Maybe I'm holding back. Right now the kids are the #1 thing on my mind. That and sorting through 21 years of boxes. It's amazing how much crap you can collect. I'm finding things that I lost 9 years ago, when I first moved in to this house.
swilkins: You sound like you are doing all the right things. No need for revenge or additional drama. Good for you.
Stay strong, swilkins. You WILL get through this. I firmly believe, however, that the other man's wife should be told the truth. Not because of revenge, not out of spite: because it's the right thing to do. She's being injured. Every hour of every day that he's cheating on her, he's hurting her in ways that most of us can't even imagine. The fact that she doesn't know she's being hurt doesn't mean it's not happening. Think of it this way, swilkins: wouldn't you have rather known sooner rather than later? As for yourself, swilkins, I agree that you should not seek revenge against your wife. However, I do think you need to firmly stand up for and defend what you feel is right. That means keeping the concerns of your son and yourself before any concerns for her well-being. She's the one who broke the covenant. She's the one who must bear the toll for that decision. Good luck. We'll be pulling for you.
PS. When she is signing these notes in just her name, she is presumptively signing on behalf of the community (that means you are liable for it!)
I get your point and appreciate it. I have made my decision and do not feel an attorney is necessary at this point in time. I know many of you might not feel that she deserves anything. We are trying to work this part out a step at a time. I expressed my anger about going on the recent trip. The place was already paid for and the distance between us did help. I am not very rational around her. I don't want to here her cry anymore. What's done is done. The girls that she went with aren't party animals. These are 40-ish women (some related) that like to park their big butts on the beach. My wife only knew 1 of the 3. Even if she did meet up with someone, my decision has been made. The trust is broken. There's no changing that. I'm moving forward. She made horrible decisions. She wants no money. She was giving me the house free and clear. Our family vacations (that I took part in) are the majority. She lapsed on the payments and the interest sky-rocketed. She didn't want to admit that she f'd up (of which she now regrets). Apparently, I wasn't filling some void and she met a guy that did. She got caught. All of thie debt was exposed. We managed to sit down and discuss what needs to be done, between guilt trips and my fits of rage. I am handling everything, because she has done enough. Once we mark the things that need to be done, she will have her own life. The sooner that her and I find happiness, the better. If things change, it will only add to the complexity of this mess.
Fair enough. I just wanted to correct you on the statement you made earlier--"Did I mention all the debt is in her name." I just wanted to make sure you knew that was irrelevant and you're on the hook, too. Best of luck in this trying time. There will be better days ahead!
