A marriage proposal made under the threat of an ultimatum is always the wrong decision. And you need to quit being such a momma's little boy. No self-respecting woman will ever accept being 2nd place in your heart to your mom, and if you can't leave your mom for her, you don't deserve to be a husband. That's all.
Enough with the tough guy act. Why is it so horrible that he actually wants to see his mom? I mean, it is HIS mom. You know, the woman who raised him as a child. If you read his post, it sounds like his mom has had it rough. We're talking about a single mother here. How evil can you be to just kick her to the curb like that? Its not like he wants them to move in with her and have bunk beds. You guys and his ex are all crazy! Why should we have to rank our mom and wife? That's just bullcrap. You don't put ranks on stuff like that. Sounds like his ex is being a b**** just because he has a close relationship with HIS mom. WOw. And the whole ultimatum thing. F that too. You don't put an ultimatum on something like a marriage. Sure if it was kidnapping or a war, that would be fine. But it's a marriage. You know why so many marriages don't work? Because of stuff like an ultimatum. Forcing people to marry you. C'mon get real. Last I checked, you can still love someone without actually being married.
You must mind if she has a microscope in your business. It's not healthy for her or you. You're a grown man. It's one thing to be good friends with your mom, another to be her only reason for living. Both of you should fear what happens when you grow up and start your own life. It's because it will definitely hurt her when you spend less time for her. On the other hand, the situation you're enabling is setting up for your mom to dominate your every decision. Since you're putting all these burdens on yourself, you should help her cultivate hobbies and find her some friends so that she can have a balanced life and let go of whatever she held on the past. Don't give her choice not to. Phobias, social disorders, complicated history and whatnot is not the reason for you to stay at her beck and call. You can be thankful for what your mother has given you without feeling guilted for living your own life. It's not your fault she is the way she is. She was an adult. She made her choices raising you, just like you're making your own choices and living with it. Helping your mom live a life without you will take more than 2 days or even months. Ultimatums are never the best reason to get engaged. If your ex loves you enough, maybe she'll consider if you can find some strength to seperate from your mother in a healthy way. I would still enforce boundaries even if things don't go as planned with your ex. If you don't, you'll have the temptation to drift closer to your mom while living in regret about the girl who got away. It'd probably set up a bad cycle in relationships until your mom meets the right girl for her. Be honest with your ex, your mom and ultimately yourself. You can't lie to your ex with promises you don't intend or aren't strong enough to keep. You'll have to create boundaries that you've never set before and hurt feelings you never intended to hurt. I would think long and hard about tangible goals at different phases, maybe find professional advice for it, and hope everyone's (mainly your ex) understanding enough to help you get through it...if you really want it.
Do it. You're moving farther away from your Mother, which means all the Oedipal visiting and sleep-over stuff girlfriend is worried about is rendered moot. Plus, this really is the last chance you get to see her; if you really truly love her then you might as well take the biggest leap possible. But make sure you let her know you've de-umbilicized your maternal relationship.
For those who weren't listening: a truly nurturing parent wants to see their child become independent and succeed on their own. His mother wants to be involved in almost every aspect of his life. That's not love: that's codependence. I don't think anyone is suggesting he "kick her to the curb". But there are boundaries that obviously have not been established, and they are hurting his current life and his future. Are you married? Because I've never met a married person who doesn't know where their priorities lie when it comes to spouse vs. parents. You know why? Because eventually, at some point in the marriage, the person will have to choose between appeasing their spouse or their parent. And in the healthy marriages, the spouse ALWAYS comes first. I have often seen problems in this area cited as one of the leading causes for divorce. This I actually agree with. An ultimatum of this sort is the kiss of death in a relationship. Once you've reached that stage, the damage is done. Yes, but if you truly love them but won't marry them, what does that say about your commitment to that relationship? I'll tell you what she thinks it says: he's not in it for the long haul.
Just so you know, if you ever find a woman who is ok with playing second fiddle to your mom, or vying for attention with her, be rest assured that a spectacular divorce is only a few miles up the road.
Your mother is your family. Your wife is your family. Your ex is not your family. Assuming your mom and ex have good reason to nag about each other, mother comes first. If she really loved you, she would want to visit your mother with you whenever you go, so the number of times would be insignificant. Your mother has issues with you marrying her because she wasn't respectful to your mother. Think about it this way. If you marry her and have children, anything that happens to your mother... She will be fine with your kids treating you that way. If you are fine with that, go for it! But in all honesty, you aren't ready to get married and you should make that clear.
Dude. My mother is really lonely too. I have a great idea: http://www.hulu.com/watch/72434/saturday-night-live-digital-short-motherlover-censored
My wife is my number one woman. I love my mom and the wifey understands that. Mom needs something, I will stop and do or get whatever she needs. But the wifey knows in her heart that she is 'numero uno'. You just have to make her feel that way. Good Luck.
I can tell you that since my mother almost died from an aneurysm 3 years ago I make it a point to swing by for dinner once a week. If anyone thinks I'm being a momma's boy because of it they can piss off. Nothing wrong with staying close to your family.
All circumstances in this case aside, here's the golden rule about proposing: If you have to ask strangers on the internet whether it's a good idea for you to propose, the answer is no.
Did your wife storm out of the room when your mom came in, or did she handle it well? Did your wife give you the "marriage" ultimatum like his? I don't think his ex-girlfriend is Numero Uno to him. It is now his "ex"... he let her go for one reason or another, let us not forget. Fatty, did you have a nagging girlfriend at the time begging you to DUMP your mom? WTF?!?!? I was about to give you some sound advice, but you just go on and make SILLY analogy. The 09 Rockets? Really? Who's the one injured? Who's the ROCKETS? You??!!? Don't make me laugh. Your situation is MORE like this here: I can't tell which ahole of these three you are in THIS relationship, because it seems like someone might end up saying "tell me how my *ss taste" at the end, sir. Good luck.
^ Swoly - the ******* is clearly you, as whenever somebody comes to the BBS for relationship advice (a questionable move in its own right, but I digress), you never fail to respond by barging into the thread and acting like a completely judgmental douchebag. I have no idea what gives you the cache to make pronouncements on people's personal lives. All I know is that they invariably suck. You're like the world's crappiest advice columnist. You should have a talk show. But it should be broadcast to no one, so that nobody would have to listen to it.
Yeap, he had the same questions the last time. Again, some try to help.He compared himself to my Rockets in 2009, and that's a NO NO. It worked. Thank you, SamFisher!
Different circumstances. Having a normal relationship is cool. Mom trying to dictate your life because she is lonely is completely different. I'm sure in all of your experiences with different people, you have seen the ones that either can't function without getting their parents permission or approval or the people that can't live their life because one of their parents makes sure they are involved in every aspect of their kids lives because they have to have someone to live through.
