Isabel, Your thread title asked the question of how to get out of the relationship, not if you should stay in it or not. So I will give my answer for the question asked. These are things I learned the hard way. I hope you won't have to learn them the hard way also. 1.) Close any and all accounts with both of your names on them. Bank accounts, credit cards, lease agreements, utilities, etc.. If you have joint savings, you should consider leaving him 1/2. What will happen if you do not do this is that after you leave, Ferd will use credit for living expenses and when you get divorced you will be liable for a part of the debt. 2.) Get a place of your own and move out. 3.) It will take a period of time for Ferd to realize that you aren't coming back and it is over. It is not your responsibility to worry about him, support him, or listen to him whine during this period. Do not fall into that trap. 4.) When you think he has accepted the inevitable, try to negotiate an agreed property settlement with him. You have mentioned that you have kept money pretty seperate, but in Texas that does not matter a whole lot. He is entitled to 1/2 of the assets accumulated during your marrage. This includes YOUR savings, YOUR retirement accounts, YOUR 401K etc.. Try to work something out that is fair. Then get a cheap divorce. If not..... 5.) Someone hires a lawyer. Once either of you hires a lawyer, the other one will be forced to do so and then you will still work out a fair settlement except that you both will be giving several thousand dollars of your share to your lawyer. As I said, I have learned these things through experience. I strongly urge you to find a therapist that you can trust and allow them to help you through this process. Good Luck.
Isabel, Been reading your blog again (fascinating read, BTW) and I have one question for you: Why do you feel that you are tall? Are you taller than 5'8"? The reason why I bring it up is I think you overexaggerate how big of a deal that is. Personally, I prefer taller women (at least not taller than 6'2" ) but it really isn't that big of a deal. I can see if it is a problem if you are constantly running into 5'6" dudes, but that is below-average height for a guy - you do know that, right?
I'm 5'11". Which wouldn't seem to be a big deal, since most guys are at least close enough, but I think it might just be something they're not used to. And it just makes me feel different (as if that wasn't already true anyway ). Oh well, you've got to be yourself... I've just often felt inadequate compared to the standard "girlfriend" types. We all have our insecurities, and I'm trying to learn to deal with it. Spending most of my adult life in a bad relationship because of these insecurities should have been a good lesson to me. To Rookie (the post above Manny's): thanks for dropping into the livejournal and posting the reminder about your advice. Fortunately we don't really have anything in both our names... nor do we have enough to pay a lawyer. The idea of him getting 1/2 of what we have accumulated is depressing... he can take the stuff, but I hate the idea of him raiding my savings account after he already sucked his own savings account dry, living for two years off that and money that I was earning by working my tail off. Oh well. Hopefully he won't do that. Update on the situation: I'll be out of the house REALLY soon, I hope. I cannot take much more of this. He's upset, and wants to work on it, but the bottom line is it's all about his feelings. I am sleep deprived because I stay at the university from early morning until late at night, so as to avoid home and him and have other distractions, and then when I do try to sleep I have to listen to him from midnight until past 2 a.m. Guilt trips. He says I'm being cruel and hurting him, and doesn't understand why I'm withholding affection from him. It doesn't seem to matter that I have no feelings left, and am starting to be completely repulsed by him. His ONLY chance is to get the separation anyway and start over, but from the beginning. Have to date me and win me back. And don't start right away, either. Nothing has changed. He still doesn't realize how much of this he is responsible for. I understand his religious beliefs on marriage; normally those are mine too. However, I try to look beyond the rule at what it's supposed to be about. Bottom line is: we don't have kids, and neither of us is growing spiritually or as a person like this. It was a mistake from the beginning. There's really no way not to commit a sin here one way or the other, so I may as well do something that would send us in a better direction. I was hoping to move out as soon as this week, but I don't know... he's extremely upset. He says he can't "take much more" and doesn't know what he'll do. I hope he doesn't completely snap. I guess I'd better not rock the boat too much until counseling on Wednesday. I just want out of there.
Izzy - My wife is right at 6'0". I absolutely LOVE tall women. It's probably the trait that I'm most attracted to in women. I think there are a lot of guys that feel the same way. I'm 6'5" though, so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. In college I dated a girl that was only 5'2". That made for some challenging nights.
