um.... of course.... Actually, I really am. It does have more of a family sense once everyone stays together and work on things together. She does tend to give me some of my own time, so it's not as if she's crowding me. But housework wise, I'll actually help her with the cooking and the dishes, laundry, etc. (this can't possibly come out well in this BBS ) Sorry about the bilingual assumption. It was what I mentioned, just an assumption. Either way, I've went through enough websites and newspaper ads to know that there are plenty of open jobs available, especially when high pay is not the main issue. I'm sure you would've been happy whether he got a fat paycheck or not as long as he was showing some sort of effort in helping out financially. Finally, what you should do now is really your decision. There's nothing any of us can really do except to let you know that we think you deserve to be happy. If you decide to try counseling, I'm pretty sure that 99% of the forums will give you words of encouragement and hope that everything works out. If you choose to leave him and file for divorce, I'm sure most of us would still be encouraging and hope you find someone else that makes you happy. I pretty much felt the same way. It's one of the things I enjoyed in these forums more than any other. I hope everything works out!
File, A.S.A.P. Don't cheap out on the lawyer. Get a decent one you can work with. You will be STUPID if you try to sort it out yourself. You WILL NOT be able to do a good job with that work. When you file, all the cards will be on the table. Stop. I posted that yesterday, and last month. And the month before that. You keep trying to delay, not pay the cost, find an easy way. I say that with all the affection I can have for an internet stranger who writes nicely . I do wish you well, dear, but you are begging for a kick in the pants to get you moving. KICK. Kick again. There now. mwah. Keep moving, please. When you get past this drama we will take you out for a "cf.net hosts Bell Bell" gameday visit.
Thanks again for all your support and well wishes. I'm amazed that someone in my situation would get this much support. I think Manny Ramirez probably summed it up best in terms of what this situation is and how I got into it. I do hope there's something better out there... I've been working through this for a while and come to terms with the consequences for me: losing Ferdinand's companionship (even the good parts), not living in this house (well, I could, but I should save money if it's just going to be me), being alone for a while and the possibility that who knows, I may never find a good relationship again. All that was hard to face for a while, but I'm OK with it now. The reason that I don't act faster is for his sake. He is taking it pretty hard. It's worse because he doesn't have a lot of people he can talk to, and (in 43 years) this is the only really close relationship he's ever been in. It was working for him, or so he thought. And I don't want to take it from him. At the same time, is it fair to me to make me stay here for his sake, when he's not giving me what I need? Maybe it is. Let me know if you have any opinions on that. I just feel like I'm too young to settle... like I said, I'm not going to have kids with this guy, so we'd both be losing our chances to ever have a family right there and just going into a holding pattern for the rest of our lives. I'm trying to give him time to deal with it, be there to listen to him (trying to behave as more of a friend so he doesn't get the wrong idea), and giving him access to counseling, as well as not acting like so much of a "wife". (Which I did for a while... out of guilt and trying to make sure that "at least I could say I did the right thing"... just made me feel like I'd sold myself and not even gotten paid for it. ) He is upset, and I feel bad because of the lack of other close relationship in his life or history. Even if he did change things, though, I wonder if it's too late for this relationship. Is that reasonable? Another thing I'm trying to ask is: how should I go about getting him to accept it?
Isabel, It's only natural that you feel bad about what is happening. However, that is no reason for you to stay in this relationship when it is glaringly obvious that you are not being treated the way you want to be. I really hope you do what your heart tells you to do, not what Ferdinand's heart is trying to tell you to do. Good luck.
It's not fair to stay. You are prolonging the pain. With all breakups, the honorable thing to do is end it quickly, and as professionally as possible. Dragging it out, stringing it along, is cruel torture. Put the knife in, use one clean stroke, and finish him. Stop thinking it's nicer to just take turns poking both of you with the point till you bleed to death.
Quickly, bluntly, and finally. At this point, him feeling bad should not be on your radar. Getting on with your life is the only thing that should be important to you. It is not fair to you to stay in a relationship that you already know is over and it is not fair to him to keep giving him the hope that you will be there forever. He will accept it himself. It is not your place to get him to accept it, it is your place to let him know once and for all that it is over. He will either accept it and move on or will not accept it and suffer. Either way, the only thing that is left for you to do is to, as another poster said, Git R Done.
Wow, reading about Ferdinand's actions or lack thereof, I thought he was maybe 25 at most. It is kind of comical to think of someone at his age, and not being able to find a steady job by now.
I can sort of relate to her plight. My wife's twin brother hasn't been able to hold a steady job since I have known him.
Isabel, So essentially you are telling us that you are contributing 95% to this relationship while Ferdinand does about 5%. You need a balance of 50-50 for it to work. You could probably get by with 55-45 and maybe even 60-40 but any ratio greater than that is a recipe for disaster. He is taking advantage of your good nature and how you don't like hurting people. You know the old saying, "Misery loves company?" Your husband sounds like a miserable person who is using you to help his misery be not as bad, if that makes sense. There comes a time where you have to put aside what you think others want you to do and do what YOU want to do. I think you have been wanting to do this for a long time but something inside of you just won't let you make a clean break. Please don't take this wrong way - but go see a counselor if you need to; you have to ween yourself off this guy. You are really trying but it looks like you need help and I doubt a bunch of on-line dorks like myself and the rest of this BBS is going to be the solution. Thus the need to see a professional - good luck. I just think the longer you put this off and keep making excuses for wanting to stay with him; the more miserable you are going to make yourself.
Well, it's actually not too easy for some people to hold a job, especially if he is not educated to the point where it's hard to find cheaper replacements. What I've learned in some of my old jobs are the very fact that the more they pay you for staying longer, the more they might try to find an equivalent, but cheaper replacement. Business is business. I still get the feeling it's not the idea that he doesn't have a job, but more of the political aspect that he doesn't seem to want to find a job. I believe that in the present humane society, most people would agree that if someone tries hard enough, results are not always the one thing that matters. If he tried to be a hard worker, a better husband, less clingy, more lovable, maybe this problem wouldn't have came up at all. Or maybe, the feeling's just gone, and there's nothing anyone could do about it. Fact of the fact is that isabel's somewhere between her late 20s to early 30s from what I've gathered (unless it's just my speculations again and I thought I read it somewhere), she should not have to sentence herself to a lifetime of unhappiness. Sure, a female's lifespan is proven to be longer statistically, but what?.. she waits till she's in her 50s+ to find someone that makes her happy? We all know that's too much to ask of anyone, so don't feel guilty. People do it all the time, it's about time that you do something for yourself. You're being as selfless as anyone I know, it's not a sin to be happy.
Isabel, dragging it out like this is hurting him more than just ending the thing. Trust me, he knows he is losing out, but because you haven't actually done it, he's also stressing out trying to think what he can do to save it, and holding the slightest glimmer of hope that things will work out and he will have what he wants. You are torturing him to death one pin prick at a time. Those pin pricks won't hurt as much as a knife wound, but he's being slow roasted and he can't begin to get over it and get better this way. If you really want to help him deal with this the best way possible, then you have to make it clear and definitive that it is over. Do it quickly and leave no doubt. It will suck for him, but at least all the cards are on the table and he will know what he has to deal with, and can make whatever adjustments he feels are necessary. Until it actually happens he still has the pain of going throgh it with out the finality of the whole thing so that he can actually DEAL WITH THE ISSUES. The sooner it is done, the quicker he can heal and move on. Dragging it out is just slow roasting the poor guy. I know it is hard on you to deal such a blow, and you want to soften it, and squirm around trying to get out of it with you having been as nice as possible, but that isn't what is best for Ferdinand. He needs to know exactly what the deal is and deal with it the best way he can as soon as he can.
That's what I was trying to say, Isabel, but FB said it better, of course. Or, you could just view it as a choice between his signature and mine.
I'm sorry that I don't have to add any advice to this thread. This thread kind of depresses me. I am just curious about Ferdinand - does he have a university degree or anything? What would be his profession if he had a job? But anyway, this made me go . Wow. I'm 33 and have never been married. I can't imagine how it would be for me to have been married for 16 years at this point!!
Here's the thing. Ferdinand has a master's in geology and tried for a Ph.D. at one time. He wanted to be teaching it or working in something similarly challenging. If he doesn't get it, he tends to live on an adjunct salary or sit at home living off his savings until he absolutely has to take some other job. I don't get this. I mean, you can be looking for what you really want, but for goodness' sake go work somewhere while you're doing it... support your own arse... He's trying to open up to me and it looks like, from his words, he sacrificed everything and maybe denied too much of himself to follow my career and let me make the decisions in "our" life. I didn't mean to cause him so much pain, and didn't realize that at the time. I wish he could get his old self back - the person he used to be - and go on from there. Without me. He doesn't like to contemplate that. He repressed his own dreams and desires and no telling what for the security of a relationship. That makes me sad. I wouldn't have wished that on anybody. Now you start to get an idea of the uneven patterns in our relationship, and why it seems better (to me) to just scrap it and start over. I wish I could give him my Ph.D.... since I might not even end up using it after this year, and I don't care that much... but it doesn't work that way.
okay, i know i've come into this one a bit late. i don't mean this to criticize anybody specifically...more our culture as a whole. everything seems to be the easy way out and the selfish thing. "i want a divorce" - selfish, this is for yourself without thinking of the other person. the words "til death do us part" mean anything to our society any more? are you going to say these words at your next marriage? if not, then why would you have a next marriage. surely you knew the person good (their faults) before you got married, so surely you can live with them now - if you never knew them, well, you screwed up - but i'd recommend seeking marriage counselling and attempting a re-dedication to each other. there is no need to get a divorce - other than one's selfish desires to chase a pipe dream rather than being satisfied with the wonderful things around you now (yes, you most likely live a better life than 90% of the people out there, get over yourself and live contently). - this goes to both people involved in a marriage, not just one
You sound like Ferdinand... oh well, at least he will get his opinion represented in this thread. No offense to 3814... I value everyone's opinion on this board, and for Ferdinand's sake it's good that someone is expressing that side. But to defend mine: I never meant to have a "starter marriage". The relationship was never that great; I shouldn't have committed to it and had misgivings the whole time, but I was young and had low self-esteem. I may have been codependent. He may have been depressed. I know I screwed up. It just seems kind of early in my life to be screwed completely. opinions, anyone?
People tend to get married prematurely at times, sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. As much as I agree that the vows should be sacred, it takes two to make it work. It seems to me that one side is giving every effort in the world without anything in return. When things continue to go this way, sometimes people lose the feeling that once attracted a person to a particular other. I think this is one of those cases. Marriage is sacred; it still is. However, it takes a lot of time in order to have something concrete. I used some of my friends as an example earlier... 8 years before they decided that it is the right time. I'm not saying that people should not get married until almost a decade has passed, I just think that people make mistakes along the way, and who really could judge and criticize what might be a misjudged error? One thing though, I can personally vouch on how hard it is to get back on your feet once you've sat down and do nothing. When I took some time off school a few years back, it was hard to do anything else but to sit there and pretty much pretend that I'm trying. Sometimes it just needs a jumpstart. just more pennies for my thoughts...
don't take my message as 'siding with ferdinand.' remember, it takes two people to be dedicated to each other - that means that you two need to get some counselling so that not only do YOU recommit to him, but also so that HE realizes your needs and commits to doing all that he can to make you happy - that means getting off of his lazy ass, that means doing the "extras" to make you feels special, and so on. i am not at all taking his side, i'm saying that you both have to work your asses off to make it work, and it WILL be worth it. everybody has faults, but you need to work with each other to overcome the shortcomings. do all that you can before giving up on this...seriously, get some counselling, let him know what your thinking and feeling - open up to him, get him to open up to you, and do all that you can to fix this.
