Sometimes relationships don't work There does NOT have to be a FLASHPOINT I don't think it is heartless to say . .it ain't working I have a hard time breaking up with folx as well they haven't done ANYTHING but they are not the Right one I have to tell myself because folx wanna say . . .what did i do wrong I say nothing. . it just ain't clicking right Then . . they say they can change I say . . you shouldn't HAVE to change unless you want too not for me .. . . Rocket River
I'm sorry that you are having such a rough go of it. You deserve to be happy, and you shouldn't feel terrible about getting out of your relationship, even if it causes pain to Ferdinand, when you are not happy being a part of it (but that doesn't mean you aren't going to, like most people you don't like to cause others pain). I am glad that you feel comfortable in sharing your feelings here, because I know when you are hurting this place can be a comfort. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Izzybell... I gave you my advice a while back.... You gotta do what makes *you* happy. For once in your life, be selfish....think of you, and what it is gonna take to make you happy. You have given it your all for too long, and it hasnt worked nor does it appear it is going to. Have faith in yourself, and trust your feelings.
Isabel...15 years ago I was Ferdinand. When my ex left and filed without warning I was devastated. The blindside hurt most of all. You have tried your best and given fair warning. If you do it, don't feel guilty. You are doing him a favor in an odd way. Ten years from now, both of you should be able to admit it was the best course of action. I survived and now thrive. I learned a very valuable relationship lesson the hard way. You sound like a very fine woman. Good luck regardless of your decision.
I'm not a relationship expert, so this question is both a leading one and a learning one. What's the difference between a separation and a divorce? Couldn't you and Ferdinand get a separation and see how it goes for a month? See if he attempts to change (i.e., force the counseling issue for a) his depression and b) his lack of relationship equality and c) whatever you're doing on your side) and see if you can handle being alone and on your own. Of course, don't date. Don't try to get attracted to anyone. Just live your life how you'd like to live it. After a month, see how you feel and how he feels. If you don't miss it and don't see any changes in him that make you want to try again, go for the divorce. Is that a viable option?
The idea of being on my own is fine with me by this point. I'm trying to think how to go about it. I was thinking separation first and then surely one party or the other will want to move forward with the legal stuff. What's the point in being married if you're not together? I was just trying to think of how to do that... He wants more counseling and I do hope it helps. But is it reasonable to say that it might be too late for this relationship as it stands now? My feelings are completely gone. He says that he still has feelings. Well, of course. Let's just say, hypothetically, that I treated him well and tried to do everything right, so maybe of course I'm someone that he would want to be with. But not the other way around. I do think he would grow more from being on his own and being forced to. Trust me, I can get attracted to people easily enough without trying to. But I'll be very cautious in the future. (and to candlegreen - I agree that he shouldn't have sat on his arse for two years like that. It's one of our irreconcilable differences. And no, he's not bilingual... don't let the Spanish names fool you. We're actually white Americans. And you are helping your girlfriend out with that housework, aren't you?) So: what should I do now???
I really don't understand what you are waiting for. You seem to have made up your mind that no matter what he does, you are through with him. If that is the case just get on with it. Don't drag out the pain and suffering for longer than needs to be done. Do it, and know that your decision will hurt him, and you will feel bad, somewhat for doing it. There is no way around that part of it. It is just part of the game. That doesn't mean it is wrong to do it. But once it is done both you and Ferdinand can start the healing process, and moving on. You will get over it quicker than he will, but just be strong and don't prolong the pain if he keeps making promises and trying to get back. After all you seem to be saying that it doesn't matter what changes he makes you are finished with the relationship. The longer you take to get on with the decision you seem to have made, the longer it will be before everyone involved can start healing, and moving forward. These things are never easy, and I hope that things work out best for everyone involved. Like I said if you are thinking of the kindest way to do it, then just tell him, be completely honest, and blunt. If it is true that he has killed any hope you had for fixing the problems because of his numerous false starts, then tell him that. Tell him that those hopes are dead in you and wont' come back, if that is the truth. It will seem cruel to say that to someone who is hurting, but it is far better than leaving a thread of hope for him to hang on to. Because if he misses you the way it sounds like, he will keep telling himself that if really makes the changes he will be able to show you, and somehow you will end up back together. That is cruel to him, and he won't truly be able to move forward that way. Do not be more cruel than necessary or make up harsh reasons that don't exist, but do be completely honest and leave no doubt in his mind.
The funny thing about feeling guilty is it doesn't accomplish a d*mn thing. We somehow believe subconsciously that by feeling guilty, we're making up for something. Frankly, you're feeling guilty about Ferdinand does not make anything better for him and only worse for you (which is probably the point, subconsciously). Emotionally martyring yourself doesn't do either of you any good. So stop thinking guilty thoughts. Every time you find yourself thinking guilty thoughts and beating yourself up about it, pause. Pause and remind yourself that you are a GOOD person. You are. You are a GOOD person who's trying to take care of herself as best as she can. In the end, it will be better for both of you.
Before you even say a word to Ferd, cancel all the credit cards he has in his wallet and cash out any joint accounts. Not to be spiteful but to protect you financially. Get a lawyer. If you are really going to get a divorce, I think you have already taken the Catholic Church out of the equation.
Isabel, I don't care to get into particulars of my situation on the board but if you want to talk, email me at trey@mcglaunenterprises.com
I'm not one to give advice on this topic. I've been married for 20 years and am only 37. I've had plenty of ups and downs. The cause is distributed. Many times both of us were unhappy. One thing that both me and my wIfe have managed to hold onto (knock on wood) is our jobs - 20 for her, 17 for me. That's huge. We also have a son. It doesn't sound like you're happy and if you are unwilling to involve counselling then it sounds like separation is inevitable. The important thing is that both of you are unhappy. Good luck
Not the least little bit. You are still a good person, you have just come to the realization that you are a good person in a bad relationship. It happens all the time and IMO it is not necessary to find where the fault lies until later (as you self assess to try to avoid similar relationships in the future). That is a perfectly acceptable alternative if y'all don't own a house or if you are willing to cede the house to him. The real point is, get out of the situation. You already have a leg up on this since you don't have kids and as such will not have any custody fights. The cheapest way is if he is willing to agree to the divorce and to division of assets. The more you can agree on how to split up, the less you have to pay the lawyers to fight it out for you. No clue about how the Catholic Church does things, but legally the church is not involved. True enough.
I can definitely see how you might feel like "cr@p" right now. Two people are hurting right now, but it is not YOU actively hurting him. You are both hurting because of the situation and because you are both aware that you are only going through the motions in a failed relationship. I believe in Karma, but I believe you will be in for worse "retribution" the more it drags on because it is the dragging that is causing the most hurt. Once y'all let go of each other, the healing can begin and none too soon from the sound of it. Honesly, you might not feel "worthy" of being in a relationship for a while, but once you do what you already know needs to be done, you will start feeling more "worthy" every day and eventually (it will be far sooner than you think right now), you will find another special love. The best thing you can do is get the hurting over as quickly as possible so that you can both get to the healing part.
Isabel, Getting into this thread too late, so I really don't have much to add. FranchiseBlade and R2K had some good posts (but so did many others), I would go back and re-read their posts again carefully. I think you are a good person (at least if I go by your posts here), but I get the feeling that you had a lot of insecurities about yourself or at least when you first met Ferdinand. You probably felt you couldn't do any better than him, when in reality, if you had just a little more confidence and patience, someone better would have come into your life. In other words, you settled for less. You have tried counseling and that hasn't really gone anywhere. Yes, you made vows but sometimes God speaks to us in ways we never realize - I think He has been speaking to you for some time and now you are finally ready to find that person He has intended for you - your REAL soulmate. Just quit making excuses on putting it off - you know what needs to be done. Go ahead and do it!
Isabel my darling ~ run away with me to the Florida panhandle in my lust powered Camaro. When it gits to cold to gig flounder we'll start our traveling ~ we'll follow the Jimmy Buffett tour around the world err South Florida... It'll be great.
