[Relationships] How can you tell if a guy is interested...

Please don't.

 

Im not going to get banned am I? You're too good for her anyways.

 

Remember this? (.)

 

What a trip! I just saw that disappear. What a strange universe we've created here. It's a strange, cool universe, or it can be cool, but most definitely strange.

Very few of us know other members outside of the BBS. I've shied away from seeing people in person, that I really like via posting here, just to keep my anonymity. And that relative anonymity allows people like our dear Isabel to post her thoughts on very personal and intimate areas of her life. It also allows me to talk about some subjects, and some things I've done in the past without too much worry of "the real world" poking it's nose in.

What gets me, as a half century+ old hippie, is how this discussion has evolved. I wonder about my own life, love and relationships, about how wild I used to be, sexually and otherwise, and how different mores were 35+ years ago, and yet how so much is the same. We, men and women, still have a hard time understanding each other.

I've been in a decades long relationship, and I still wonder how my significant other can love someone as crazy as me. And how I've managed not to blow the entire thing. I'm at a loss, really, to explain it. Love, and great sex, are a major part of it, and we've got children now, although I'll be on Social Security, if it's still there, when my youngest starts college.

I read what all of you post, most of whom are much, much younger than I, and frequently ponder how different, and alike, so many of us are. As for me, what a long, strange trip it's been. I both pity and envy many of you, all at the same time. And many I admire very much, in this BBS world sort of way... even some who would be surprised at the admiration, I'm sure.

Good luck, Isabel. I'm still reading. And I just got off the phone from talking to a close friend who's doing business in Bangalore. How trippy is that??

We now resume your normal broadcasting.

 

No and not at all.

I respect what Isabel is going through. I understand it - maybe better than most given my situation. I have a lot of empathy for anyone going through something like that. It sucks.

 

Testing the integrity of your back-up plan is very practical. Not exactly respectable, but still very practical.

It'd be more decent to end one relationship before starting another.

But, hell, all's fair etc.,.

P.S. I'm there for you. Or something.

 

I think Jeff is probably the best example..just look how much attention he's paid in this thread.

That guy is interested

 

True all men are different and this isn't to say that men aren't interested in emotional intimacy but I think in general men, particularly younger men, want sex before emotional intimacy.

Overall both men and women want sex and emotional intimacy the difference I think is where it ranks interms of a relationship. Women tend to look at emotional compatibility as being a precursor to sex while men tend look at sexual compatibility as a precursor to emotional intimacy. I think that there are a lot of reasons for this dealing with biology and sociology. In general men have been taught to downplay and even fear their emotions. Growing up a man crying is called 'girly' or a 'wuss'. Boys who talk about feeling inadequate or unhappy are called whiners or the ultimate schoolyard insult "gay." So for many men opening up emotionally is difficult and a sign of vulnerability. Getting sex OTOH is something that's prized and encouraged so its far easier for men to put sex above emotion.

For women they've been brought up to protect themselves sexually and in general sex has been discouraged. Girls and even adult women who go after sex are tarred as "sluts." Women have been taught that sex makes them vulnerable so in general they prize communication to get the feel of a man before they have sex with them.

So in general men are brought up to aspire to be studs while women are brought up to avoid being sluts. Leading to different priorities when it comes to forming relationships.

Before Jeff and others jump down my throat. Yes I am generalizing and all men, and women are different, but I think you'll find this more true among men than Alan Alda and more true among women than the women from Sex in the City.

 

Sorry Jeff

 

Diminutive stature is really just a guideline, not a rule.

But, seriously, one of my new rules for myself is to be honest with people, especially if I think it is a good person who doesn't need me to bull**** them and I don't think Isabel needs people to tell her what she wants to hear. I think she needs people to tell her the truth.

I mean, Isabel, the problem you have most is people who aren't straight up honest with you and it's confusing, right? Well, you can count on me to be honest and I don't mean to be harsh at all - I try to be honest, but not ****ty about it. I just think you have enough people around you telling you things to be manipulative. Personally, I freaking HATE being manipulated, so I wouldn't do that to you or anyone.

You are just in an awkward and emotionally-charged situation. Your best bet is to take a step back and try to be open minded. It's tough, but it will be better for you in the long run.

 

I forgot to add:

* Answers with very wise advise to your "How can you tell if a guy is interested" thread and doesn't BAN members for telling him so

 

Don't push it.

 

Wait.. Are you talking about this other guy, Ferdinand or Jeff?

 

It seems to me like this whole process has helped you
to discover what it is that you really want in a
relationship.

I think that is the first step toward getting what you
want.

The next step, in my opinion, is for you to become able to communicate it openly with someone to whom you feel
an initial attraction.

There are a lot of people out there who have potential, but
if you think about it, you can probably figure out how the
right one will react to open communication.

When the response is right, then I think you will know that
you are communicating with the right person.

 

I just skimmed, so I hope I'm not repeating anything.

I think that maybe you gave this other cat consideration because you want to move on from Ferd, but maybe you are scared about what comes next. The idea of somebody already being there may have seduced you, emotionally speaking, more than the other guy would normally be capable of.

I think you need to stop giving Ferd ultimatums and give yourself one: Once and for all, is this the man I want to be with?"

That decision should be based on you and no one else. It seems these problems with Ferdinand have been going on for a while. If you have to threaten to move on for him to change, that means he's only doing it to keep you and will go back to his ways when he thinks you'll tolerate it again. You should definately not stay with him just because there won't be another guy to move on to.

Anyways, good luck, hope you find what you are looking for.