[Relationships] How can you tell if a guy is interested...

If you're happy with one person, stay with them. If not, leave them, or try to work things out and salvage the relationship. Imo, some other (guy, girl) who comes along shouldn't be the deciding factor.

 

Just to quote myself from earlier...

Just a word of advice...it sounds as if you are falling into the exact same trap as before - trying to draw out someone who isn't good at expressing feelings and emotions. I can tell you from experience this is a bad move.

And, with all due respect, this isn't unlucky. You are making choices. You are picking these people.

Although I've read enough of your posts about Ferdinand to believe you don't have some unrealistic view of relationships as Max suggested and that your choice to stay with him or get divorced probably goes well beyond what you've posted here, I will say that hoping Ferdinand knows he dodged a bullet is a bad way to handle this.

If you really want to save your marriage, you must seek counseling. Period. There are no in betweens on this one because it is to the point where you are considering affairs or at least searching for options out of frustration. That is unfair to Ferdinand no matter what he has done in the past and it is unfair to you. The pain that can cause is devastating, believe me.

Isabel, I know that it is difficult for you to get this right now, but this is not about Ferdinand and his problems. This is about you and yours. You have to face up to the issues confronting you, the choices you make and problems you create before you can come to a decision about your relationship. I think I said this in another post to you, but I'll say it again. You can only change you. Ferdinand sounds like he has been the same person all along, doing exactly the same things. You seem to be the one who is disappointed.

I'd be willing to bet he has been the same emotionally unavailable, semi-disinterested person since the start. You just havven't chosen to acknowledge that until now. And when you realize that and begin to seek out new companionship, you pick someone JUST LIKE HIM. That isn't Ferdinand's problem. That's yours.

Whatever you decide to do, you have a bunch of nutty Rockets fans who will listen and give you support and even tell you things you may not want to hear. God knows I've heard it all on here myself. At least you've got us!

 

Isabel;

Let me add unfair to the guy who you would be considering having the affair with. If you're not just playing the field to see if what's out there the other guy might be expecting you to leave your significant other or feel like they've been strung along.

 

I get the feeling that you actually are attracted to guys like this, the strong silent types, and might not consciously realize that.

Think about all of the guys you've dated and consider if they all share this trait in common. If this is the case then you're going to have to accept that for whatever reason you like guys who aren't great communicators and deal with it. Its possible that if you date someone who is a good communicator you might not like them.

 

We've all tried to do the right thing, but its not fair or right to live unhappily ever after...I mean, I didn't want to get a divorce, but now that's its almost over, I can actually say I'm a lot happier and healthier...Things happen for a reason and I truly believe there is someone for everyone, it just may not be the first or second person you meet or marry...

 

Yes, they may be picking you, but you have the choice to walk away or to further it. I truly believe that we attract to us whatever it is we want to attract to us even if it is subconcious. Changing that is really uncomfortable and freakin' terrifying, but if you don't, you just keep repeating the same things over and over - getting in relationships with the same crazy people.

Honestly, I can see that and, if that is the case, you should walk away. It will be easier on you and him and it will give you a chance to start over and find something better for you. I understand the aversion to doing it. I was freakin' miserable when it happened to me. It was devastating. I was crushed.

But, I worked through it and I'm happier now than I've been in years.

You have us!

Seriously though, having a support system is important, but I actually found that to be a little uncomfortable at times. My family in particular had a tendency to over-compensate and over-check on me. My friends sort of treated me with kid gloves as if I was going to break. In reality, what I needed was people who were going to remind me that life was for living, not moping. Fortunately, I had a couple people around me to help remind me of that. I don't think any of us need a big safety net of emotional support because it tends to cause us to wallow in self-pity. I prefer friends who are honest and kick me in the ass when I need it.

I think that first sentence is key...you attached expectations to this guy before even really becoming friends. The very fact that you were thinking about what might be tells me that you were kinda hoping that's where it would lead. Is that any more or less sneaky than him trying to be your friend and hoping to get sex out of it? I mean, in essence you were doing the exact same thing but your end result was emotional stability and love. Regardless of whether that SOUNDS better than "he just wanted to get in my pants," it is still an agenda you set up for this relationship before it became anything more than just hanging out and talking.

You know, you DID want a certain amount of comfort and affection from him. He was right. It really sounds like you both had expectations about this relationship and fears about what the other wanted and you were both right on the money. You thought he might be using this relationship as a means to sex. He thought you might be using his friendship as a means to love and emotional support. You were both right.

Well, I'm glad you think we rock. We are all actually scumbags just trying to get into women's pants, but, hey, at least we are honest about it!

Best of luck. This kind of thing sucks big time. I'm alot happier now, but there are days...

 

The reverse is just as bad.

 

Don't expect the guy to be too open about wanting a relationship with you. If he let's you know that he would be there should you leave Ferdi then he will feel responsible for the break-up of a marriage, and all of a sudden feel a lot of pressure to be everything to you too soon.

It is probably more like he is attracted and may even be considering whether or not he wants a relationship. Probably if you were single he would go out with you and then have the luxury of finding out if he would like to pursue a longer term relationship. The guy may have genuine feelings for you but also a moral dilemma against being a homewrecker, in addition to the added pressure that would put on him.

It sounds like you want to know before you have had the time of easing into a longer term relationship whether one will come out of this.

If you are going to break up with Ferd do it because it isn't working out. That will allow you to explore any relationship opportunities without unfair pressure on the other person to be the reason for the break-up of a marriage.

Don't make another person be the reason you leave Ferdinand. That isn't good for the other person you or Ferdinand. It's all about the order things are done in. Leave Ferdinand first search out other relationships second.

If you aren't going to leave Ferdinand, then don't search out a relationship that will carry you away from him.

 

I'm off to lunch, I hope that crazy woman who has been stalking me isnt there. All I asked her was " How are you?"

 

I think that if he's not giving you clear signals, after you
asked him direct questions, then it is likely that he doesn't
himself know what he wants.

You may have given him the opportunity for introspection
to figure it out, or you may have given him the impetus to
demonstrate to you that he isn't mature enough for a
relationship with you.

my $.02

 

Excellent advice. And it's better for Ferdinand to get your relationship behind him, whether he thinks so (when you make the move) or not.

Isabel, I keep getting the feeling that you way underestimate yourself. After being in a relationship for so long that was unsatisfying, you seem to be subconsciously blaming yourself, and devaluing who and what you are. Cut it out!

 

Isabel,

Just leave him. You already know you need to and you have known this for some time. Looking for anything to help you along the path (a supportive friend or potential love interest) is a lifeline you don't even need. Find the strength within yourself to make yourself happy and do what is right for you (and ultimately for him). Who cares about anything else?

All of these things tie together and once you start thinking healthily for yourself then the other stuff falls in line. I posted this earlier, but women are stronger. Society has in many ways programmed you guys to think differently and to lose power, but that is artificial. You are a scientist so you can logically understand that nature would see women - the ones who nurture and produce life - as more important and thus give them the better tools. You can do what you want and control your life instead of feeling as if you are a passive observer.

I have many many girlfriends that go through bad relationships and fall into old, bad habits, and give up all of their power and all it does is cause misery. I get so frustrated with them. All I can do is counsel, but I can't make them happy or even realize when they are in a bad relationship. I am sorry if some of this frustration has leaked into my post and caused me to go off on something you don't need. Nevertheless, there it is.

 

Isabel...I truly respect you coming out and letting yourself be vulnerable and letting us in your world...If you let me, I'll be emotionally there for you...

But seriously, a majority of the men are not there and never will be...You cannot change a person's habits or how a person feels...If there are closed off emotionally, non communicative, they'll more than likely be like that forever...

What a coincidence, my best female friend is going through a rough time and since there are kids involved, she is sticking it out...Her husband is a cop and not there emotionally and is a horrible communicator...They have done the counseling thing, but to no avail...It comes down to what your willing to settle for and if you can live with being unhappy at times...

It's natural to find someone who understands you and respects your feelings and opinions, but typically there is a trade-off...You can get the guy who is emotional, but a wuss, or the guy who is an ass, but won't be there for you...It's a crap shot...Same way for girls...However, don't fall into something to fill the void or for someone who quickly says they'll be there for you...Chances are, your the booty call...

I myself am in touch with my feminine side and value conversation, listening, understanding the other person's opinion etc, and I'm not a wuss... I don't just do this to get laid, I do it because I believe one should treat people the way they want to be treated, plus I'm big on morales and the principle of things...

Anyway, I know I'm long winded, but good luck in whatever your trying to find and I hope you find what your looking for...I always say its better to try and find happiness than to not try at all...

 

Isabel, you've said Ferdinand and other guys act treat you like a "friend with benefits." What would he have to do to make you feel that it is a true romantic relationship?

My guess is many guys make this mistake in relationships.

 

Please don't take this the wrong way, Izzy, but you sound pretty depressed. Not just from this post, but from a few others. And that's not right because you also sound like a very cool chick .

Seek counselling. Seriously. There's no shame in it. If you had a physical ailment, you'd talk to a doctor....a mental ailment should be no different. And nobody needs to know. Certainly worth a shot before blowing up your relationship. You may indeed find that Ferdinand's not for you. But at least you'd be in a better mental state to make that decision, and to go through the consequences.

Take care. We love you here. The residents on this board are a kooky, disfunctional bunch, but we mean well.

 

What is the difference between a full-blown affair and an affair of a different nature?

I probably won't get any support on this but sometimes women think that sex is the best thing they have to offer, and base their relationship thought process on that. It's unfair to men to assume that the basic reason they want to hook up is to have sex. Sex isn't that hard to come by, the accessibility to loose women is greater than ever before, so why factor whether or not he wants to do the nasty dance into every equation? It's unfair to you both. From what I've read in your posts Isabel you have a hell of a lot more to offer than a romp in the bedroom and I don't really even know you, so just imagine what the people think of you that have that opportunity. My .02