[Relationships] How can you tell if a guy is interested...

Geez, I get busy at work (for a change) and now find out that Izzy is about to kick Ferdie to the curb??!!

Dayum!!

 

Women make the best friends, and more often than not, it has nothing to do with attractiveness. I've found the more attractive (the societal definition of "attractive" anyway) a woman is, the greater her chances of being superficial (very big generalization, but...).

To answer your question, if you're dating, the only way to tell if a guy is interested is if he gives it away that he's not. By that I mean if he's out for sex, you'll know eventually. The problem is that until he gives you the indication, he'll play you to the best of his ability. Then there are the rare instances where a guy seems genuine and really likes you for what you are and not for the sex. Watch out for these... they may be serial killers.

 

The best advice I can give you is this:

1. Don't rush into anything. You are at a point in your life where things are going to change drastically and the last thing you need is an increase in drama.

2. Be very direct in all communications. If you are anything like me, and it sounds like you are, you aren't always straightforward with people. Time to let that go - at least for now. You need lots and lots of clarity in all things - relationships, legal issues, etc. This is no time for subterfuge or confusion.

3. Let others do the work. Again, you sound similar to me in that you tend to overdo everything and then expect others to meet you there and, when they don't, you're disappointed. Time to try something different because, and I can tell you this from experience, that doesn't work. You are in no position to work at relationships right now. You've done that and it didn't work, so now you have to let others come to you.

I know that is a tough one. It's hard for me as well. When you are used to being the pursuer, it is tough to let things happen outside of your control. But, as scary as it may be, it is a much better place, ultimately, then the one you've been in up until now.

By the way, if you need to chat about this stuff, feel free to drop me an email - jbalke@tworoadsmedia.com. Suffice it to say, I get where you are coming from.

 

So once upon a time I...uh, knew this guy who...worked with this gorgeous woman.

She was married and he was single. They didn't really know each other until one day they started working on an intense out-of-town project together. They were getting along really well and he was very attracted to her both physically and mentally. He knew she was flirty, so he wasn't sure if she was at all attracted to him.

The random flirtations lasted for about a month until it became obvious to him (after many of his coworkers pointed it out) that she was interested. Regardless, he never tried to go out socially with her on a on-on-one basis. Then she asked him out.

It didn't feel right, but he was too interested in her to say no, so they went out and had a great time. Despite the obvious signals, he didn't act on impulses that night and acted gentlemanly.

Fairly soon afterwards, he came to the realization that going on a date with a married woman was pretty f'ed up. He was a little dissappointed in himself and also lost respect for her. In fact, he lost so much respect for her he started to get more annoyed by her flirtations than intrigued.

Ultimately, he maintained a professional friendship with her for a long while. She eventually quit and they saw each other very infrequently. However, they maintained contact through e-mail and phone calls randomly.

She eventually separated from her husband and then reached out to him very soon after she moved out. She tried to get together with him a number of times. Despite his physical attraction to her, he wasn't anywhere near as attracted to her mentally and he pushed back on her advances. After a little while she stopped pursuing and they haven't talked since.

This fictional story may not apply to you at all, but if does, hopefully it makes some sense.

 

What do you teach, again?

 

Your "friend" is a wise and honorable guy.

 

Isabel;

I've only skimmed this thread but I agree that the direct approach it is the best.

Face it men are wired differently than women. In many ways we're scared of our emotions. We're scared that if we emote too much it will make us look weak, turn into jackasses, become effeminate, become despondent, become violent or any combination there of.

I think you've been looking for a guy who will emote but really not many guys are like that and many of them are gay. Trying to play it coy with this guy will end up driving him and you crazy. If you're interested and you suspect he might be interested just go ahead and tell him.

I know that many women don't because they were brought up that the man should always ask first and don't wear white after Labor Day until Memorial Day and so on but we live in a culture where gender and sexual mores are in flux. These days many men are afraid to approach women, especially in the workplace, out of fear of rejection, fear of being tarred as being desperate and worst of all fear of being charged with sexual harrassment. In many ways its up to women to make the first move.

That said don't just go up to him and confront him but invite him out to coffee, lunch or a drink and in the course of conversation just place your hand on his while you look soulfully into his eyes or say something like, "We've been spending a lot of time together and I think we get along great and I would like to be with you more." Most likely at that point the guy will let you know.

Above all don't string the poor guy out. Be honest with him and yourself if you want to be with this guy or make your other relationship work and be honest with him if you're serious about him or if you're just looking for some distraction from your current relationship. Nothing is worse than being conflicted between two people you want to be with and can't decide which. It makes for great drama precisely because it sucks to be in it.

 

And I agree with Jeff's advice to take things slowly.

I never have liked the idea of a girl leaving one guy for another (I call it 'island hopping'). It never seems to work out.

-- droxford

 

i agree with Jeff.
If you just ended a relationship(or want to end one), you should not immediatly go to the next. Just relaxed think about everything. One of the problem with starting a new relationship to early is that there is a chance that you start to get anoyed by the other person much sooner then when you waited, because you are still upset with your ex, especially if your new boyfriend has some of the same qualitys.
Just do not get into a new relationship before you are sure you are ready.

 

I see... there's no "chemistry"... is there?

First time I ever quoted myself, BTW.

 

the helping a female friend when she is in a difficult situation is wel known. Some people use it to get the other person to like them. But i think that people do not use it to get somebody into bed, because it can take a long time, most people who just want sex do not want to wait so long, and do not want all the crying.

To see if he does this just as a friend or as a potential boyfriend, think about this: did this person showed you that he cared before you had the problems with your relationship? did he offer to help you in difficult situations even when he did not know if your relationship was not good anymore? because if this is the first time he offered to help you(with such a intens thing) then he is interested in you.
If he already tried to help you before it depends on how he act when he is with you.

 

Was he in the Peace Corps? Does he have a tree hugger sticker on the back of his Ford Escort? Does he eat quiche?

Wolf in sheep's clothing....

Tell him to submit a personal balance sheet, have us review it, and we'll let you know if he's good for you. Never underestimate the importance of fiscal responsibility.

 

Don't look at him as wanting to sleep with you as bad. That is a good thing. It's not an ulterior motive. This is part of being in a relationship. Sex is not some bad thing that gets in the way. If you are saving sex for the perfect guy then ok. I get that. But that is a tougher road to follow because like I said, if you hold out, you whipped him, and that won't be true love. It'll be him doing everything he knows to finally have sex. He may not even realize it. That is whipped. Which is cool for you. He'll know you inside and out. But he is so owned and your relationship will not be all it could be. So don't worry about sex. This isn't about some guy who will have sex with you and leave you all depressed. It's about you having great sex and finding true love. You have to try. So once you are single you flirt in a subtle way and draw him in. He'll come to the dance floor because he is attracted to you. Then you have to see about the rest.

 

Ditto here. This is the EXACT reason why I have tried to avoid really intense, personal relationships that had any possibility of leaning towards an intimate dating thing. I mean, I've found some really great friendships already, but I'm doing exactly the opposite of what I would've done in the past by purposefully not getting emotionally attached. If that means being alone for a while, so be it. Better that than ending up in something destructive or emotionally draining.

My guess is that the guy likes you but the number of obstacles staring both of you in the face makes him ultra cautious - and righfully so. To be frank, it doesn't sound like, despite your best intentions, you would have any problem moving this beyond the "I'm there for you" stage (insert Seinfeld joke here). That is a dangerous place to be given your current situation.

If I were in your shoes, I would be totally open and honest with the guy. Say, "I think you like me and I like you as well..." and fill in the blank. That may be, "But, I cannot get emotionally involved with my situation as it is" or "And, I really want to take this to the next step," or whatever. That is up to you.

But, being that you are in this complex emotional situation, you need to - FOR YOURSELF - be blunt and straightforward with this guy so you can see where you stand and evaluate from there. Make no assumptions. They'll only get you hurt. Just be honest.

I would also caution that, given the fact that you have been in an emotionally neglectful relationship, it is HIGHLY likely that the first person that takes the initiative with you will draw you in fairly quickly. DON'T FALL INTO THAT TRAP. Emotionally, you'll want to, but it is bad for you right now. Trust me. As scary and confusing as it is, you need distance and space and non-attachment to figure out where to go from here.

You also do not want to put someone else through what you are about to go through. Just having had these "intense" conversations could get him subpeoned to testify in a divorce proceeding if it goes that far.

Be careful.

 

I wonder if he read this post?

 

As Behad would say - This is a BBS not fantasy land.

 

I think it is too hard to tell without more information. I have been a good friend to girls with no ulterior motives. Sometimes they get the wrong idea and think I am interested. The only way that got resolved was by them talking to me about it, and I was honest with them.

Other times, I am a good friend to a girl, and I also have the hope that it becomes something more. But I don't show my interest if I don't think she is interested or if she is in a committed relationship. If she starts showing more interest, then I do try to take it further.

It sounds to me that you have shown a lot of interest but he has done nothing? Still, without more details, its hard to tell which category this guy falls into. Also you are committed, and he might just think its wrong to do anything until its over.

 

I think Isabel and Jeff should meet in person if they have not yet done so.

 

Isabel has enough problems already.