[Relationships] Getting out of a bad long-term one...

Update time. (is anyone else awake in here? please let somebody be here to reply to this... not just the really drunk ones coming in from the bars right now)

So, I got the keys, moved some stuff into it (not enough to be really conspicuous when he got home). After he had been home a couple of hours, he called me to see where I was and when I was coming back. Well, this time I wasn't. You can about guess the conversation that followed.

Most of it was in an accusing, I'm-right-you're-wrong tone. "Terrible. Just terrible." "How could anyone do such a thing?" Apparently I ripped a big piece out of his heart and he's walking around with a dagger in it. His life is diminished forever, just because I got what I wanted. The only thing or person that could make him feel better would be having his wife there. I'll talk to him by phone and email, but he's upset that I won't see him in person at any set point or tell him where my new apartment is. I didn't tell him, but I did say, "you wouldn't do anything psycho, would you?" He said, "I'm not the one who's acting psycho."

He thinks I'm not only mentally disturbed, but selfish and sinful. I got called just about everything. The preaching was a big part of it. He says I'm going against the will of God and it will have bad consequences for me. His tone was mostly accusatory (at one point he lapsed into being sad and upset, and said he may as well be struck dead tomorrow and he might not mind because he has nothing to look forward to). Even if I tried to phrase it as just taking a break for my own psychological health, and not knowing what the future would bring, he didn't like it. He wants me to work on things with him and commit to the marriage. (sorry, I do not have the stomach for that) He doesn't understand the relationship was not there as far as I was concerned. He believes he's done the right things and been a good husband, and that I just insist on running away.

So... I finally got him off the phone (took forever) but I'm under such a huge load of guilt right now that I can't even describe it. I tell him I do care about him and things will get better, but he doesn't believe me. I guess I'm supposed to sacrifice all those things I thought I was supposed to do and go back and try to please him, so he won't hurt? That's what I always did before. So it's not like I haven't tried. I hope he's OK... I don't want to be held responsible for someone else's downward spiral... I just feel like scum of the earth right now. Yet there was nothing else I could have done except go back to that unpalatable, emotionally manipulative situation... right? Anyone awake in here? I've never even dumped anyone before...

 

Thanks to all of you for your support (who are up this late)... and arkoe must be psychic because I did pack a bottle of Nyquil on purpose. Not that I'll even need it, being this exhausted... time to fix the bed and hang up the shower curtain. I just hope Ferdinand is able to pick himself up and be OK. Fortunately (I think), I've gone too far this time to be easily pulled back.

 

Thanks for all your support... I tend to be in agreement with those who think he's manipulating me.

Unfortunately, he called again after work tonight... so, why not, if he's going to bother me, I'll just write some of it down.

“So, how long are you going to keep doing this?”
“I’m going to keep asking. It’s only right.”
"I spoke with my mother today, and she had lots to say about you. I’ll just leave it at that."
(tone of voice indicating that it wasn’t good)

Him: "So what are you doing tomorrow?"
Me: "Well, the choir is performing at the minister's installation ceremony..."
Him: "Sorry I can't make it, I'll be at work." (I know, that's one of the reasons I felt like I could even tell him.)
Me: "That's quite all right. Did you think I was expecting you to come?" (he wouldn't have usually come to little things like that)
Him: "Because my wife is performing. That’s entirely natural."

Me: "Do I have to tell you what I’m doing every day?"
Him: "It would be nice. It would be the responsible and mature thing to do."

“The fact remains that I am your husband. It would be nice if you were to show some common courtesy in that regard.”

[has the nerve to expect me to go eat lunch with him tomorrow]

"You’re pushing me around."
"You see what you’ve done to my life?"
"I was not given a fair chance and I was not treated right myself."
"My mother was wondering if you were capable of a mature relationship, and we want you to figure out what you're doing."
"I love you – faults and all"
“The possibility that this separation might be permanent – it’s illicit. I cannot accede to that. It’s wrong.” (yes, he does use those big words all the time)
“Now, what can we do to get your heart back?”
“How could any fair-minded person not choose the option of love and charity?”
“I’m making a good faith effort to be the best husband I can be.”

What followed was a looong discussion with him asking how he could improve the relationship and what he could do to be a better husband. He claimed to just want to comfort me. (tone of voice is very cold and distant, though... too much logic and not enough heart) He still thinks of himself as better than me, or I get that impression. Needless to say, he denies it when I say it's a guilt trip. He always ends up making me cry and feel like I have to at least do something that would technically give him a possibility for a second chance, though I try to tell him the relationship is dead and may not be able to be revived from my end.

“You have one chance in life for this kind of thing. I could never feel this way about anybody else."

Is he going to start this every night? It's not going to be cool when the work week starts and I need my sleep. He just insists that there has to still be something there in our relationship. It makes me feel like I "ought to" give him a chance. The problem is that my gut reaction is - I can't stomach it, he's scary, run away. That my only chance for true love is to get this guy out of the way first, since he's not it. That he really wants his security back but isn't going to have true feelings for me. But I can't prove this. I also can't prove the things I feel are true about his attitude, since they don't really lend themselves to logical proofs...

Most of what he was saying, especially at the beginning, made me want to just call a lawyer and file papers as soon as I'd moved my stuff out of the house. Because this is ridiculous. He still seems to think I can and should come back anytime. He wants me to be aware of the hole in his heart and how he only got an hour or two of sleep last night. Oh well... what do you guys think? The problem is that I try to analyze everything too much and wonder if I did give him a fair chance. I know I may not have lately. The problem is all the years before that, when I did and it wasn't working. You run out of chances to give people after a while. I just think this one is screwed up, we don't have any kids, we should both start over. I just cannot stomach the thought of hanging out with that controlling guy or having his hands on me... as always, feedback welcome...