[Relationships] Getting out of a bad long-term one...

I'm not the Catholic one. I was married in the Catholic church, but I don't personally feel that they have the final authority to speak for God. (look at how many mistakes they've made) Not turning this into D&D here either... anyway, Ferdinand was the Catholic one, and he's a lot stricter than most Catholics. One thing we liked about each other at first was that we had morals and ideals... my mother thinks that maybe he's just trying to live life by the book but doesn't really have the right spirit inside. I, on the other hand, am trying to be a good person in accordance with God's will; for some individual situations, I may go beyond a strict interpretation of the rules (in other words - why are these rules there? do they apply to this particular situation? what's best for everybody long term?). In this case, I believe we sinned to get into it (pride & lust, for my part... and wanting to prove to the world that I didn't have to be a pathetic old maid... I'm sorry for that now and just wondering if I get a second chance or not).

One reason you can get an annulment is if you weren't in a good state of mind to make a commitment at the time. Well, I think I was codependent and didn't have my head screwed on straight emotionally - does that count? But otherwise... I told him he could blame it all on me. If I do leave and get a civil divorce, he can accuse me of adultery (once I'm back in the dating pool) and then they can make me the bad guy. I'll take the blame and just hope I can be forgiven by the big guy upstairs... because at least that gets us moving on. I believe God works with different individuals in different ways.

Yes, divorce is a sin; otherwise people wouldn't take marriages seriously and would do it all the time. But there are lots of sins involved here. I haven't done anything "final final" yet, just got myself another pad... who knows, it may not be forever... it just seems like the right thing, to me. Hopefully I'm not too screwed up.

So, for those of you with Christian beliefs, how does the ArtV argument above apply here? (Ferdinand uses the same one.) As for the guilt - Ferdinand also thinks it's my conscience telling me I'm doing something wrong. But, in that case, I feel a whole lot more actual "conscience" telling me things whenever I let him mess with me physically. Because it's just not right. It's not a real marriage right now. He insists there's a bond between us - IS NOT. Bonds have to go BOTH ways. Doesn't he feel the least bit bothered that I resent him and he makes me sick??? I think the guilt may be more low self-esteem, worry about how he's going to react, and the fact that I usually don't do anything that goes against the Bible or someone else's wishes either for that matter. And the fact that I am empathetic and I can feel his pain already. He, on the other hand, says he's empathetic, but he obviously ISN'T or he'd understand how I feel.

sigh... I wish my minister was back in her office, she'd back me up... on the other hand, there are doubtless those who would say that I was falling into the liberal Christian trap and that she was going to easy on me and what was I doing with a female minister in the first place... my conclusion is usually that we'd all better pray for forgiveness because sometimes it's just hard to tell who's right.

 

Thanks for all your support. (and the same goes to the rest of you who have been following along) This is not an easy thing for me, and it really helps to have some advice and support. I'm doing a lot of it alone; I don't want to overburden my friends.

Also, as for the "rebound relationship" - since I've been trying to get out of the Ferdinand thing for a while, I almost ended up in one last year. (Many of you guys remember the story. Honestly, I wasn't trying to "cheat"... more to transition, if anything... anyway, those of you who wanted me to end up with neither Ferdinand nor this guy got your wish. He went from putting moves on me to not even wanting to stay friends - NOT FUN for me at the time... and eventually ended up with one of my female friends (more awkwardness); I don't see her much anymore but then I ended up being good friends with her brother, so... like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days of our Lives. ) The moral of the story is: don't get involved with anyone while you are emotionally vulnerable. Whenever it doesn't work out with someone, you just may end up running into them all the time if you're part of the same circle. Don't tell guy friends about these problems because it just may be like dropping a match near a can of explosives. If you tell them, do it over the Internet, and make sure those people stay forever separate from your real life.

And, honestly, relationships scare me right now. I just like having guys as friends instead. It doesn't feel so lonely that way, yet I don't have to be getting on that emotional roller coaster. I don't want to be messed with right now. If anyone ever wants to get close to me again, they had better take their time and know what they're doing.

 

I need to try to set up high-speed Internet of some sort... not sure where to begin on that. (I'm technologically behind the curve, let's just say. We had dial-up at the other house, and I would have switched except I've been planning to leave, like, for a long time now.) I'll see what the cable company offers, or the telephone company, but it's already a weekend now. I'll just hang out on campus and use the Internet there. That's what I usually do anyway.

Now, if only I drank or used other mind-altering substances like most everybody in our culture seems to, I'd have a much easier way to deal with this... sigh...