[Relationships] Getting out of a bad long-term one...

How the f*ck are you going to post on the BBS if you don't call the electric company?

While you're at it, ring up the Water Works. Then, hop on the B&O railroad and swing on over to Ventnor Avenue. Just watch out for the luxury tax.

 

If you are happier living alone by youself than living with him. Then why bother. If he feels he needs you, he'd do his best to make you happy and win you back. If he makes such efforts but cannot sustain it, it's time to move on, cuz if not you guys would be back at the starting point, doing it over and over. If he makes such efforts but you simply don't care about it anymore, it's time to move on.

 

If he loves you, then he doesn't want you to pretend to be happy. He wants you to be happy. If you stay and are miserable that won't be good for him.

You need to get out of the mindset that by staying you are doing him any favors. The opposite is true. If you can't stay and find some happiness, then you aren't making him happy. If you make him think that you are happy, he'll be happy and believe that the steps he has taken to try and make things work have been sufficient.

Again, making yourself miserable doesn't do him any favors, even if you are miserable in his presence. You will do him a favor if you deal honestly, frankly, and firmly with your feelings and make your move.

There is no lie, that when you tell him you are leaving, he will be super hurt, and make a scene, and promise all sorts of things. But that is part of the healing process. He needs to go through that in order to get better and move on.

If you keep draggin it out, and are miserable yourself, then you are torturing him slowly and surely.

If you really want to do him a favor then stop dragging it out. That isn't fair to him. He's already some changes(like employment). Maybe he's on his way to being a better person, and you need to give him the freedom to that, and live the rest of his life, away from you.

It sounds like you need the same. If you want to get on with your life, then do it. Everyday that you drag it out is a day taken away from you starting a life on your own. It is also a day that he is made miserable and can't begin the healing process.

Don't stay on his account, because that isn't for his own good. Either stay because you are willing to, and believe you can make it work, and he does too, or go.

You aren't sparing him anything but a chance to start his own healing if you stay.

 

Don't kids yourself. He's probably walking on egg shells.The fact of the matter is that is he knows you are going to do it. It's just a matter of when.

 

When you signed the lease you should have been provided with a copy of it. If not, you can request one. The person who told you that at the apt. complex must have been new...or dense.

 

While I'm far away from you my baby
Whisper a little prayer for me my baby
Because it's hard for me my baby
And the darkest hour is just before dawn

 

Because its going to be very depressing sitting in the dark and I mean that about more than just your apartment.

 

Why turn on power?

Because you can use batteries for things other than flashlights.

If you want to be a student again, moving out and meeting new people is one of those great experiences many don't have a chance to repeat. Learn new stuff and keep an open mind....the guilt will pass away quicker.

Remember, if he's still miserable, it's only your fault if you put a gun to his head and order him to be miserable. Quit enabling him.

 

If you really care about him and feel bad for him, then stop prolonging the torture. You are being far more cruel to him by staying if you know that you are going to leave.

It leads him on into believing if he just does the right thing, or says the right things, then it will turn around and you will be happy. Meanwhile he knows that you aren't happy, and that he is on the edge of losing you, so he feels horrible anyway.

If you really are worried about him feeling bad, and you are definitely going to move in a different direction with your life, then stop hanging in there and making him suffer. Better to let him deal with the loss of you once and for all. It will take some time, and he will be in great misery during that period. But that is part of the process. That process can't even begin though until you make your move.

If you are really worried about him being happy, then get on with the move, so that he can deal with it.

If you keep dragging it out and you finally leave, he will think less of you later on. He will be resentful that an unpleasant period was made to be longer than it had to be.

It isn't fair to him. He doesn't know if you are leaving, until you leave. Until then he knows that you are unhappy, and isn't sure what he can do about it, but will try just about anything. This isn't a good period in his life. The longer it lasts the more resentful he will be once he's moved past the loss.

 

He's a grown man. He knows it's coming. End the suffering. Start the healing process.

True story...during my separation, the marriage counselor told me and me ex to just do what we wanted to do. If she wanted to go out and I didn't, she could go out without me. I had to move back in from my apartment to see how things would work. For about a week, she started wanting to be with me, and was super nice to me and things almost seemed like they were before. Then, one day, when she didn't get her way, she asked me "How long am I going to have to keep acting like this?" At that point, I realized all the niceties were just an act. I knew it wasn't going to work and moved out for good.

If you are ever going to be happy, you have to find the strength to tell him and stand by it. Nobody is going to lie and tell you it is easy. It hurts to be alone, even though you are miserable right now, but it will start to get better once you start finding yourself again. If and when you get into that apartment, take up old hobbies, exercise, try to reach some old goals, do something to keep you occupied.

 

(at the risk of jumping on the "dump him" bandwagon, and since it seems that you are choosing to leave him...)

Any time you feel bad about leaving him, think about what your first nights in your apartment will be like. The freedom. Ohhh..... the sweet freedom....

ten years I've been married..... the "single-guy-in-an-apartment" freedom is now just a distant memory for me.... mmmm.... the sweeeeeeet freeeeeedom.

 

I've been married for nearly 6 months and I've already learned the value of sending my wife off to D.C. or New Mexico to visit friends.

 

I wonder how it will feel in 6 years?

 

It'll still be wonderful. We both value our independence, so she doesn't have a problem with me hanging out with the guys a couple nights a week and I don't mind her spending time with her girlfriends even if I'm at the house doing nothing.

Of course, in 6 years, we'll probably have a little one, so all that will be thrown out the window!

BTW, I'm sending that check tomorrow. Sorry it's been so late.

 

Cool. Sounds like you guys have it figured out. I'm still afraid of the big M, but then again, maybe I haven't found the right girl yet. I still have that "new cow" syndrome. You know, when the bull is in a pasture and he wants a new cow every few days?

No prob on that check, no rush. I thought it may be cool to have a post FF get together one day, that'd be cool so set it up if you feel like it and let me know.

 

Isabel,

I hate to say this but you sure sound like you have no self-esteem at all and that you truly don't know yourself. This dead end relationship hasn't been helping and I do think you are doing the right thing.

But, *******, you have got to quit feeling so f*cking sorry for yourself and for loser Ferdie. It just isn't healthy. I am probably the last person to say these things since I am also a sensitive person and have gone through too many disappointments. But it is sad to see you waffle like this and feel that you are a bad person just because you want to be happy! I mean it would be comical if it wasn't for the fact that you really are feeling this way.

Anyway sorry to do a droxford on you , but you have got to get over this guilt of hurting a guy who has been nothing but a dirtbag to you. I mean you know he hasn't been treating you right for a long time, why are you so worried about hurting him? I just don't get it.