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[Relationships] Getting out of a bad long-term one...

Discussion in 'BBS Hangout' started by Isabel, Jan 16, 2006.

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  1. Sishir Chang

    Sishir Chang Member

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    Come to the D & D and when you see all the pronouncements that narcisstic pedantic blowhards like myself spout around like it was the word of God that will make you feel more worthy. ;)
     
    #61 Sishir Chang, Jan 17, 2006
  2. Sishir Chang

    Sishir Chang Member

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    that's a good point since almost every woman thinks every man has an abnormal obsession about sex.
     
    #62 Sishir Chang, Jan 17, 2006
  3. KingCheetah

    KingCheetah Atomic Playboy
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    Droxford is very very helpful.
     
    #63 KingCheetah, Jan 17, 2006
  4. Isabel

    Isabel Member

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    I think the idea of "abnormal" is that he puts too much emphasis on it, especially at the expense of emotional relationships. True that "we're" not doing it right now, but that's entirely my decision. If it were up to him, we would be doing it as much as possible, because "we're married, that's what husbands and wives do, when you get married you give up the rights to your body." I don't agree with some of that, and I'm not about to do something immoral until I'm 100% sure that we ought to be married to each other, which I'm certainly not right now. He knows better than to bother me about it or try to guilt trip me into it, since it will just make me mad.

    Here's an easy way to chip away at a woman's self-esteem: ignore her emotional needs and don't do nice things for her unless you really have to, but always pay attention if she's changing clothes, ask her to wear less, and confuse her by claiming that you're "expressing your affection toward her" by trying to grab whatever body parts you can, especially certain ones. The idea here is just selfishness.

    (and that's enough about my sex life, thank you... and no, I'm not posting pictures)

    By the way, Manny, if you're in here - I read your response earlier, and sorry about what happened to you. :( That bites. Not much fun. Hang in there. (and maybe look closer to home so you can meet them sooner in person, if you don't meet them that way in the first place)
     
    #64 Isabel, Jan 17, 2006
  5. Refman

    Refman Member

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    Isabel,

    I have some difficult advice for you. I am by no means a great understander of women or relationships. I do know a thing or two about human behavior though. From all I have read from you, you need to make this break from an unhappy relationship.

    Do it gently, yet firmly. Do not give him false hope that this will blow over or is a phase. This part of your lives is over. It must have finality without being unduly harsh.

    Do not feel sorry for him. This may be what is best for him long term. Not being in this relationship may force him to face parts of him that he does not like and eventually allow him to become the man he wants to be. This may be what God has planned for him so that he may grow personally.

    Do be careful with this. The list of things he does that you provided seems a tad sociopathic. I understand that you have no reason to believe he would do anything untoward, but emotionally fragile people do some very uncharacteristic things when faced with this type of finality.

    I hope all goes well for you. You have always seemed to be a very intelligent and caring person. Please keep us updated.

    Regards,

    Ref
     
    #65 Refman, Jan 17, 2006
  6. Sishir Chang

    Sishir Chang Member

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    Often times though men complain that women consider once they get married they don't have to have sex.

    A sure way to chip away a man's self-esteem is to ignore his sexual needs and to expect that men should be satisfied with the emotional connection alone.

    I don't want to presume anything about your relationship but sexual mismatch is a big problem and part of being a successful couple is respecting each other sexually both interms of not forcing a partner to have sex when they don't want to but also being understanding about frustration from the other partner.
     
    #66 Sishir Chang, Jan 17, 2006
  7. Isabel

    Isabel Member

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    That's not true in my case. Some women have a lot of physical desire. I only made us stop because I didn't feel like the emotional intimacy level matched up to it, and thought maybe we weren't meant to be married. But it still took me a while - even after knowing this - to make myself quit (since that meant I was using him... darn that temptation and biological hormones... he knew I didn't feel happy with him or in love with him, but he wanted to do this stuff anyway).

    To him, it's the way of expressing how much he cares (so he says). I don't buy it. You express how you care by listening to the person and trying to make yourself better for that person and doing nice things and being gentle and sweet and supportive. Then... you'll probably get all the nookie you want and it will be the really good kind.

    Anyway, let's just say I'm not one of those frigid girls. Far from it. Maybe it would have been better if I was. :(

    -Isabel (and, if you were about to proposition me based on this little bit of information, you are automatically hereby turned down. No Internet dating or hookups for me, and that includes clutchfans. :) )
     
    #67 Isabel, Jan 18, 2006
  8. glad_ken

    glad_ken Member

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    #68 glad_ken, Jan 18, 2006
  9. rhester

    rhester Member

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    Isabel, my wife and I do alot of marriage counselling (and that certainly doesn't qualify us).

    You have the key here.

    Men need to love women. Instead of lusting women (selfish motives) - (what is real love anyways?)

    Many women today are being used.

    Healthy sex begins in a healthy relationship. When you are loved you will be made to feel valuable, significant and a 'person'.

    I don't think women ask too much at all.

    Men need to wake up.

    The problem worsens because women don't always realize the hurt and pain they hold toward men. They settle for bad relationships out of insecurity, they hold resentments and expectations towards men, they expect more out of a relationship than their man can give.

    Know your guy.

    Suggest counselling (both of you find a 'healthy' counsellor)

    Relationships are too important.

    As a minister I have seen that genuine love resists selfishness and places a premium on honest communication, patient understanding and mutual commitments.

    God Bless you.
     
    #69 rhester, Jan 18, 2006
  10. FranchiseBlade

    FranchiseBlade Member
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    I can't speak for Ferd, but he may be telling the truth. In my first real long term relationship, I didn't know how to communicate, express my feelings, make my gf feel appreciated for a long time. I had all of those feelings, but I hadn't really dated a girl for more than a month before.

    When I had desires to be intimate I really was seeking a way to express my feelings and grow closer. It really meant a lot to me, and eventually I learned to communicate better, but I wasn't just saying that. I did mean it.

    There have been other times when I wanted sex for mutually selfish reasons, or whatever. I'm not saying to stay with him, but don't automatically discount what he is saying it means to him, since his communication skills don't seem to be as advanced as yours are at this time.
     
    #70 FranchiseBlade, Jan 18, 2006
  11. rrj_gamz

    rrj_gamz Member

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    Damn, I thougtht you've kicked him to the curb already...Now is the time...Life is too short for you to have this kind of drama in your life...Life is too short for you to be unhappy...Everyone deserves happiness, but you have to be willing to let yourself go and try to attain it...

    From a catholic perspective, I thought you could only divorce in situations of adultery, but even then, it had to be pretty bad as it is expected for the couple to suck it up...However, you should do what you feel, not what anyone else says...

    You over analyze way too much, I know, I use to do the same thing...Just let yourself go and be happy...Leave the guy already...
     
    #71 rrj_gamz, Jan 19, 2006
  12. Isabel

    Isabel Member

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    He's the Catholic one, I'm not. I do have Christian beliefs, though, and technically it is supposed to be a sin. That's one of the main reasons I tried to avoid it all this time. On the other hand, there are sins like not being loving toward your wife and not showing that you can provide for her (not that I can't provide for myself, but if he can't at least pull his own weight, then what if something happens to me?). The marriage is also going nowhere and at this rate we'll never start a family, which Catholics are supposed to do. He's not realistic enough to realize it. So, as much as I hate to... looks like there's sin in here no matter what. I'm just trying to get us both to a place where we won't sin anymore. (for those of you who think I'm doing something wrong, does this make any sense?)

    Last night, when I mentioned moving out, he said, "Why would you do something wrong like that?" He hadn't been in preaching mode for a while, but started into it. He said it was wrong to end a marriage, period, that these weren't extreme enough circumstances, and even a trial separation would be sinful because it would put us in a position of temptation to divorce. He was saying he loved me (not expressing the emotion though, IMO, except for clinging to me later, which is just more insecurity on his part), but whenever I asked him about the past (unemployment, not being considerate of me, etc.), he says he's always done the right thing, always been considerate of me, always empathized with me. Since I know that's not true, and he can't see that he was wrong... I'm afraid what we have here may be an irreconcilable difference. :(

    Well, I should have the apartment ready as soon as tomorrow... guess it's almost time to start the process. I'm very nervous about it.
     
    #72 Isabel, Jan 19, 2006
  13. reggietodd

    reggietodd Contributing Member

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    Life is too short to be unhappy.
     
    #73 reggietodd, Jan 19, 2006
  14. droxford

    droxford Member

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    Well, it's noon on Thursday. Decision and commitment time.
     
    #74 droxford, Jan 19, 2006
  15. DaDakota

    DaDakota Balance wins
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    Isabel.

    Piss or get off the pot.


    Life is too damned short for you to be wasting it with someone that is making you miserable.

    You deserve to be happy and so does Freddy.......just not together.

    End it now....you are wasting your time....and SERVER SPACE !!

    :)

    DD
     
    #75 DaDakota, Jan 19, 2006
  16. rrj_gamz

    rrj_gamz Member

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    Honestly, don't worry about the sin part as he's holding that against you...Technically its true, but your happiness is much more important...Why would you stay in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship, to me thats a sin...

    Anway, if its a family you want, its very clear you won't have it there...Why raise a kid in that environment...

    Take a leap of faith and be happy...
     
    #76 rrj_gamz, Jan 19, 2006
  17. Rocketman95

    Rocketman95 Hangout Boy

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    Yeah, I'm sure she's going by your schedule.

    Good luck Isabel. It's a hard thing to do, but it sounds like you'll be better off for doing it in the long run. Keep your head up and stay strong.
     
    #77 Rocketman95, Jan 19, 2006
  18. Falcons Talon

    Falcons Talon Member

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    ...just checking for updates...
     
    #78 Falcons Talon, Jan 19, 2006
  19. Manny Ramirez

    Manny Ramirez The Music Man

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    Really - if you believe you are sinning, Isabel, you can always ask for forgiveness in the most sincere way possible.
     
    #79 Manny Ramirez, Jan 19, 2006
  20. Manny Ramirez

    Manny Ramirez The Music Man

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    Now that was truly LOL funny.
     
    #80 Manny Ramirez, Jan 19, 2006
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