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[Relationships] Getting out of a bad long-term one...

Discussion in 'BBS Hangout' started by Isabel, Jan 16, 2006.

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  1. the futants

    the futants Member

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    droxford, while seeming a bit harsh, has some valid points.
    nice one...
     
    #41 the futants, Jan 17, 2006
  2. Fatty FatBastard

    Fatty FatBastard Member

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    You were born a UT fan? Man, that's some loyalty. How did you know at such an early age?
     
    #42 Fatty FatBastard, Jan 17, 2006
  3. Rocketman95

    Rocketman95 Hangout Boy

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    Dude, I was posting on this message board in 1976. That should answer your question.
     
    #43 Rocketman95, Jan 17, 2006
  4. Fatty FatBastard

    Fatty FatBastard Member

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    Yeah, but those Commodore 64's were hell to download any pics.
     
    #44 Fatty FatBastard, Jan 17, 2006
  5. codell

    codell Member

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    droxford is da man
     
    #45 codell, Jan 17, 2006
  6. Manny Ramirez

    Manny Ramirez The Music Man

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    Eh, not to derail your thread, Izzy, but this might be as good as any to tell Fatty that he can change his sig if he wants to. He has used that sig for a good while! :D
     
    #46 Manny Ramirez, Jan 17, 2006
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2006
  7. Fatty FatBastard

    Fatty FatBastard Member

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    OK. Will do. :p
     
    #47 Fatty FatBastard, Jan 17, 2006
  8. Manny Ramirez

    Manny Ramirez The Music Man

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    Niiiice... :eek:
     
    #48 Manny Ramirez, Jan 17, 2006
  9. Fatty FatBastard

    Fatty FatBastard Member

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    Sad part is this is what I have up on myspace. I've actually had girls write and say "rate me! I gotta know what I rate?"

    And then they get mad when I tell them.
     
    #49 Fatty FatBastard, Jan 17, 2006
  10. Isabel

    Isabel Member

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    I would never ask people to rate me. I wouldn't want to know. :)

    Anyway, checking back in on my little thread here...

    ...interesting pattern of what always happens when I post an advice thread. At first everyone seems nice and supportive, and it's cool, then someone starts in with a harsh/ tough love/ whatever post, then everyone starts agreeing with them. I'm not sure what part of it they're agreeing with, but I assume the worst, and it makes me completely doubt myself and feel unworthy of making any sort of change because now I don't trust myself. :( Which may be silly, since you guys only see little bits and pieces over the Internet and you don't know me (plus your values and priorities may not be the same as mine anyway), but I always do worry that everything's my fault.

    If some of you wonder why it's taken me so long to do this: self-doubt as above, and also trying to do the "right thing" and honor the commitment. I just don't think it will lead to any personal growth or a useful or fulfilling life for either one of us, though. But this is why I've given it so many chances. The problem is that, emotionally, I just don't have anything left for him. Sure, if you act like a jerk to someone and they enable you for too long, sooner or later they'll learn better and it will come back to bite you in the butt. On the other hand, I know he thought he could count on me and now that's being taken away from him. Suffice it to say I feel like a total dirtbag for doing this to anyone, and don't worry, I don't expect to be having relationships past this point. They scare me anyway. I just want a bunch of good friends, because I like having support and having people around. I don't think this is insecurity; rather, a basic human need. (more so for some of us than others)

    Keep in mind that I'm a girl and we tend to react more emotionally to things anyway. I believe you can rationally look at a situation without having to be cold and heartless about it. But I'm from Venus...
     
    #50 Isabel, Jan 17, 2006
  11. Fatty FatBastard

    Fatty FatBastard Member

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    Babe, you gotta be mean with these things. Sad, but true. Especially since only you wants to end it.

    Look, my college girlfriend broke up with me fairly harshly, and we ended up being great friends later.

    My ex-wife remarried the day of my divorce, without telling me. She also tried to take my son away. And even we're back on speaking terms now.

    There is no "right" way. Just do it, and move on. Chances are, in a couple of years, you'll laugh at how much angst you put yourself through doing the right thing.

    Face it. Neither of you are happy right now.

    Get it over with! Just like a band-aid. Rip it right off!
     
    #51 Fatty FatBastard, Jan 17, 2006
  12. Stone Cold Hakeem

    Stone Cold Hakeem Member

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    Noone made you stop trusting yourself except for yourself. True story. And noone can make you start again. Or make you feel better about your decision. Or reassure you 100% that everything will be ok. It has nothing to do with planets or emotionality. We don't have all the details. We don't have your perspective. We don't have any stake in this, you have everything. That is why it is important that you follow through with this absolutely. That is why you do this and you don't turn back. Because the sooner you get out and on your own and start rebuilding your life, the sooner you can look back and say, "Hey, I was right". The sooner you'll start building trust in you again.

    Everyone here -- cold, warm, heartless, compassionate -- is rooting for you to do what you know to be the right thing.
     
    #52 Stone Cold Hakeem, Jan 17, 2006
  13. droxford

    droxford Member

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    Isabel

    I know my post was brazen. I wasn't intending to put any 'tough love' on you, nor was I trying to come down on you. I'm just trying to call it like I see it.

    I barely know you at all - just from what I've seen on the bbs. A good friend of yours or a family member may not be a straight with you because they don't want to hurt your feelings (especially since you're already distraught). This is because they love you and care about you. And that's great, but you must realize that this means that they may not be completely objective with you, as I have been.

    Either you're going to be miserable from feeling guilty for ending it with him...

    ... or you're going to feel miserable from feeling trapped in your marriage to him.

    Pick your poison.
     
    #53 droxford, Jan 17, 2006
  14. Invisible Fan

    Invisible Fan Member

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    Nothing is guaranteed, Isabel.

    It's like you've decided to leave everything behind to become a farmer with a new plot of land. You don't know what to grow or sell, but you hear good things about being a farmer....

    It's going to take a lot of work and effort to make something out of your new life. You've already started the events to it. Now it's time to commit and develop some focus so your dreams can come to fruition.

    Treat Ferdi's situation as a formality. If he's burned enough, either his balls will drop or he will. Sounds harsh, but once you quit enabling him by working around his delusion, reality will settle in for him.
     
    #54 Invisible Fan, Jan 17, 2006
  15. Isabel

    Isabel Member

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    Just for a little perspective, I've finally been honest with my mom about this relationship (just in the last few months) and told her some of the less pleasant things about it. She made a list of the reasons why he hasn't been good for me, and I had her read it to me when I needed a pep talk. Anyway:

    • Abnormal obsession with sex
    • Not allowing me privacy
    • Emotionally abusive – thinks he’s always right, doesn’t respect my opinion, plays on my sympathy, doesn’t admit fault
    • Doesn’t see himself as other people see him
    • Lazy
    • Selfish, Self-centered
    • Doesn’t really like people
    • Thinks he doesn’t need individual counseling
    • Doesn’t put me first (even though I always try to accommodate him and check to see how he is)
    • Not showing any real love – doesn’t cherish
    • His actions don’t command any respect
    • Doesn’t seem to have any pride in himself – clingy
    • May not know what being a real man/husband is
    • No concern for my schedule (keeping me out late etc. and not even being sorry)

    I mean, there are a lot worse human beings out there than him, but these are the overall reasons I've had trouble with him.

    So, leave, get the heck out of there, sounds good, right? Well, it always does... until I go confront him and he argues with me. I always end up feeling like I'm being talked into having to give him a chance, but there is no joy in it for me. If he really is trying and doesn't know what to do... I just don't know if I buy that. Not from someone who's 43 years old and was smart enough to get into Rice.
     
    #55 Isabel, Jan 17, 2006
  16. Invisible Fan

    Invisible Fan Member

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    Yeah, the guy is deluded....
     
    #56 Invisible Fan, Jan 17, 2006
  17. ROCKSS

    ROCKSS Member
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    • Abnormal obsession with sex

    I am not sure what this means, please elaborate :D

    You`ll do fine, just tell him and move on. You will give yourself an ulcer going back and forth like this. Good Luck
     
    #57 ROCKSS, Jan 17, 2006
  18. underoverup

    underoverup Member

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    That sounds like the opening paragraph of a really bad harlequin romance novel.

    :D
     
    #58 underoverup, Jan 17, 2006
  19. droxford

    droxford Member

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    Really?......cool!
     
    #59 droxford, Jan 17, 2006
  20. swilkins

    swilkins Member

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    It's obvious you don't want to stay in the relationship. When you put the time in, you're always going to carry some guilt.

    Sign a short lease and just get through it. It will give you plenty of time to think it over.
     
    #60 swilkins, Jan 17, 2006
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