[Relationships] Getting out of a bad long-term one...

I have never been in your situation, but I would assume you may feel some guilt subconsciously over not making it work. Go to the following thread: http://bbs.clutchfans.net/showthread.php?t=107380&z=1. If the path you are taking will help you answer "yes", it is the best decision.

Men and women make mistakes. It sounds like you're trying to correct a previous mistake.

Context for advice...I'm Catholic by upbringing which is why the first thing I think of is guilt, but I have a few conflicting views with organized religion. Mostly, I believe in a happy, accepting god who wants us to be happy and not a vengeful one who holds every mistake against us.

 

Isabel,

Like others have stated, I think you know what the right thing to do is. You wouldn't have gone through the steps to get yourself out of the house and out on your own. That's a tough step, but one that sounds like needs to be taken. You'll be in our thoughts and prayers for strength because no matter how horrible or unloving the relationship was, it's still hard to make such a drastic step. It's taking a lot of courage from you to get it this far and I know you have it in you to take that final step. You'll probably be surprised how much easier it will be to completely end the entire thing once you're out of the same house.

You don't have a reason to believe that he might do anything drastic do you?

 

Chuck Norris was in a bad relationship once. He thought about it for 1 second, and then roundhouse kicked her in the head and left her. The good Chuck knew that he was going to hurt the person anyway, so if he got it over quickly, she could start healing sooner.

I understand and laud your commitment to your marriage - marriage is something that should be fought for. But if you are harbouring deep resentment towards him (and it sounds like some of it would be justified), that would explain the death of feelings you had for him. Naturally, your sex life died soon after.

A bit of perspective from his side: now he is the one feeling resentment for being trapped in a marriage with no emotional or physical support. You are not doing him any favors by staying with him at this point if you don't think things can change.

You have two reasonable choices:

1) Forgive him in your heart. Talk to him and tell him why you felt and feel resentment towards him and tell him that you forgive him and you want to start over. Start spending a lot of time with him - go on dates, talk to him - you have to forge a new bond with him. Understand that there is no guarantee of success here, but you should do it if you think your marriage is worth saving.
Difficulty rating: Double black diamond

or

2) Tell him it's over. Make it very clear. Do not allow any opportunity for wavering or let any heartfelt pleas sway you. Tear off the bandaid quickly and get the pain over with.
Difficulty rating: Blue

 

Isabel,

You need to follow through. There is no point in going on with something that is obviously not working. If you don't do it now, next thing you know, another 2 or 3 years pass by and you are even more unhappy than you are now.

You given this relationship as much of an oppurtunity to work as possible. When something just isn't working it won't work.

Follow through and stay strong.

 

Isabel, it seemed for a long time that one of the biggest things you had against Ferd was that he wasn't making himself better, or doing anything to be the kind of person you would want to spend a happy life with.

He's now gotten a job, and seems to be attempting to make changes.

I am not saying that because he did this, then you should stick with him. I can't tell you what to do at all.

But if he is making the changes that you want, and you still aren't happy, then you need to ask yourself, are the really any changes he could make that would make you look forward to continue to live with him.

If you look at it honestly and believe that there are some changes he could make in addition to employment, then tell him again and discuss with him the possibility of making those. If he is unwilling, then leave. Be firm and don't drag it out. It is better for you, and it is better for him.

If you look at it honestly and decide that even if he made those changes you still wouldn't be happy with him, then leave. Again, be firm, direct, honest, and don't drag it out.

 

isabel, it's time. pay for the apartment and tell ferdinand the deal. you've spent way too much of your life worrying about this decision. for your health, make the move.



i can't wait for the next chapter.

good luck, girl. we're with you on this one...

 

I think your first mistake was hooking up with a guy named Ferdinand in the first place...

 

Isabel

Do not leave your cat with this psycho

You sound like a very rational person trying to make a very diffucult decision and it appears you have taken the first step in seperating yourself by getting your own place. Its going to be very hard and he is going to beg for you to come back but you must stay strong and be very blunt with him about your needs. Easier said then done, but you have to cut this off and be very clear what your intent is and what the new guidelines are for your relationship (ie: friend or whatever)

Good Luck and stay positive

 

Getting married for all the wrong reasons. Another one bites the dust.

 

Isabel,
do not let guilt play any role in the decisions you make. If you are going to do something, do it at 110%. I felt guilt in my divorce, and I let it influence many of my decisions. To make a long story short, I lost almost everything. I know you have separate assets, but you still have to make decisions in your best interest. I know it sounds cold, but a clean break is probably the least painful. That being said, you should sit him down and tell him face to face. Make everything clear to him. Don't lay blame, just tell him what you are going to do. Make sure he understands that the things you are telling him are not up for discussion, and you want him to understand what is happening.

Good Luck on your fresh start.

 

isabel... I know I'm not the most serious poster on this board (course I am one of the greatest).

but come on did you even read the thread?

how could you take any advice given to this seriously when this is how the thread started?

 

Isabel;

You could do this but will that make you or him any happier that you're continually nagging him to change? It seems to me that if someone really cares about someone and wants to be with them they will take it upon themselves to change, or at least figure out how to compromise enough to make their partner happy.

A lot of good stuff has been said so far in this thread and I'm with everyone else that its time for you to move on. I'm sure its going to be painful for you for Ferdninand and your cat but from what I've been seeing for the past two years is that all y'all have been doing is prolonging the pain and making it more and more difficult. People often don't like to give up what they know even when they aren't happy with that situation but there are times when you have to decide whether you would rather remain miserable with what you know or try something else.

I've had that experience of staying in a relationship that I wasn't happy with for a year but didn't break it off because I was worried about being single. We both realized that it wasn't going to work out and ended it before things got ugly and are still good friends. Things need not end totally between you and Ferdinand and maybe when you have some time apart you can be friends again.

For now though it seems to me like getting some distance is probably the best thing for both of you. Another piece of advice is that since you ended up marrying the first guy you dated that might not have given you much perspective regarding relationships. I don't recommend you do this right away but after you are separated for awhile you should start dating other people. I wouldn't recommend rushing back into a serious relationship but date a few people so you can get some perspectives about relationships and guys.

 

How weird is it that I'm reading this thread and "end of the road" by Boyz II Men comes on?

But seriously Isabel, you've tried. You've tried so hard for so long to make things work. Everyone who knows you and cares about you seems to say get out of it, so take a step outside of the situation and look at it from an open minded standpoint. Would you tell your best friend to get out if she were in this situation? Would you tell your siblings (if you have any) to get out? Your mom is telling you that you should, that's just a huge sign right there. It's hard as hell to throw in the towel, but you need to do it. There's no easy way, there aren't any shortcuts or tricks to doing it. You just have to do it. You have the right to be happy. And that means not living for 2 years psyching yourself up for something, it means not living in misery, it means doing things for yourself. Unfortunately, his feelings aren't what you should be worrying about. You've done plenty of that. It's time to move on.

I don't have any advice to give, only words of encouragement. If you need a female ear/voice (especially since this board isn't exactly female rich) email me mrg123@sbcglobal.net

 

I co-sign with DD 100%. I may have never posted in one of your relationship threads before, but I have been on the BBS for a good number of years now and I have always made a point to read your relationship threads just to see if you ever made any life-changing choices. However, I can only remember you have on-going problems with Ferdinand since I registered for this BBS many years ago.

I'm glad you finally took the step of getting a seperate apartment (did you sign the lease yet? I ask this because you seemed confused that you already had rent due and I used to work and arrange leases for an apt. complex). You've got to follow through with this decision and stop "waffling". You've been "waffling" for the past couple of years trying to make the relationship work. It's clearly evident that you've put the majority of work into the relationship. It's time to move on and concentrate all the effort that used to go into your relationship with Ferdinand into yourself.

I don't think that taking this final step will be as hard or emotionally draining as you may think. You've slowly been moving towards this and already phased out most aspects of a "healthy marriage". I think taking this step will take a huge weight off your shoulders and leave you feeling a sense of empowerment and a positive outlook on the horizons ahead in your life.

 

gotta totally agree with the nimfers.(zac and moe)

You have known this was over for a long time, do what you know you must do.
You tried, and tried, and tried again....it aint working.

You are doing the right thing for your happiness, which is all that should matter to you at this point in your life.

we willl still allow you to keep the Official CFBBS Drama Queen Award once this is done.....so dont worry about that...just do it.

 

you gotta be kidding me? judging from any thread with a hot celebrity picture or that bus stop girl thread, i doubt it would've made a difference how i started the thread. i honestly think those they were being serious cuz some of my guy friends tell me the same thing. isabel, you don't wanna ever know what goes on in an all guy converstation and i've been told vice versa.

here's a perfect break song, if you so choose to end it. the album's not worth buying but if you accidently download it, it wouldn't be the worse thing.

Omd - Was It Something I Said Lyrics

Was it something I said
Or something you read
Is changing your mind
Is turning you around

Is somebody wrong
And somebody right
What was it made up your mind
What could change overnight

And if all of your friends
Who used to be mine
Come down off the fence
And swear that you�re fine
I can hate you no more
I can�t even the score
Almost half of my life
Just fell right on the floor

Don't you come round here no more
Don't you waste my time
Don't you dare to phone me
Don't even have me on your mind

Was there someone you now
Who won�t let you go
Their pushing you under
And bleeding you slow
They don't want your time
They won't give you mine
Their hands in your pocket
And your heart�s on the line
I'm know I'm not perfect
I wanted to be
I have this big mouth
It always contradicts me
You say you don�t know
I say anything goes
But if you think it�s over
Then this you should know

Don�t you come round here no more
Don�t you waste my time
Don�t you dare to phone me
Don�t even have me on your mind

Was it something I said
Or something you read
Is changing your mind
Is turning you around

Is somebody wrong
And somebody right
What was it made up your mind
What could change overnight

Was it something I said
Or something you read
Is changing your mind
Is turning you around

 

You're looking for the answer. The path that you can take which will make you feel like you've made the best choice. The right choice. You post here hoping that someoone can illuminate this path for you. You've talked to family and friends for the same reason (and to hear various opinions on what to do).

But the simple fact of the matter is - all of the various paths that you can choose to pursue are going to be extremely unpleasant. So as of right now, you need to tell yourself to brace for impact 'cause whatever direction you're going to go is gonna suck.

There are some things you should consider.

1) First of all, there's the concept of 'visitor mode'. I coined this term originally to describe some of my family members. They'd be mean, rude, manipulative people on a day-to-day basis, but whenever someone would visit us, they would snap into a sweet-as-sugar personality (which would immeidately vanish again when the visitor would leave). But 'visitor mode' applies to more than that. The people that we work with, our friends, people on the internet, and especially people that we date..... they all use 'visitor mode' on a daily basis. When they get home, you have no idea who is selfish, arrogant, obnoxious, disgusting, lazy.... Part of being married is learning the negative traits of your spouse outside of 'visitor mode' and dealing with them. I'm not saying you should stay with Ferd. I'm saying that his behavior, though maybe not compatible with yours, may not be as uncommon as you think.

2) You've got a certain level of immaturity. I've seen this occasionally in your posts, and you should realize that when you think about direction. Here's an immediate example: You say "Maybe I wasn't meant to move yet." That's an immature statement. An immature person tries to blame fate, destiny, or God for things because they don't want to accept a more realistic explanation. Another example of your immaturity that really pissed me off was when you made a "I'm gonna make him chase me" statement which I blasted you for it (link). And you say you don't play games?

Frankly, I think it was a mistake for you to get married in the first place - not because Ferd isn't the right guy, but because your posts indicate that you're not at the right emotional level to pursue a lifetime commitment. You commited yourself to a marriage, but don't want to fulfill the commitment. You want to make a decision to stay or leave, but you're afraid to commit either way. Grow up. Make a decision, stick with it for the rest of your life, and deal with it.

...

So here's what you need to do: You need to choose one of the following, and commit yourself to that choice:

A) Stay in the marriage.

B) Get a divorce.

You know perfectly well that those are your two choices. You've been avoiding making this choice for years, and you're still struggling with it.

Try this: give yourself a deadline. Today is Tuesday, January 17th. At exactly noon on Thursday (January 19th) you will make your choice. I usually don't recommend using a deadline to push things, but since you have been unable to reach a decision for years, this is another way to solidify your position.

"How do I tell him?" you ask. You sit down with him and have a serious discussion and be final about it, like it's already been done. It's painfully uncomfortable, but you're a big girl now and this is how mature adults communicate.

Note: I don't recommend the "am I happy?" or "I need to do whatever makes me happy." approach. Why? two reasons:
1) it greatly depends on the mood you're in. If you're in a bad mood and face this decision, it could have very different results than if you were in a good mood.

2) (and most importantly)... You change. When you were a teenager, you didn't play with dolls like you did when you were 6-years-old. And when you're in your 20's, you no longer enjoyed some of the things that made you happy when you were a teen. And when you're in your 30's... etc. The things that make you happy will change through time (as they already have through your life) and a big reason for failed marriages is that people reach points of unhappiness later in life as their likes & dislikes change (as well as their spouse's). A once-active man may change to life on the couch watching TV. And he'll change again... and again... and so have you... and so will you... Marriage means enduring the various periods of change that you two will go through. Sometimes the changes you and your spouse will encounter will mesh. Sometimes they won't. The "do what makes you happy" vision is far too narrow to use for a long-term relationship commitment. The better question to ask yourself is "am I capable or willing to endure possible future times that may present areas of incompatibility for us?"

 

Stone Cold Hakeem officially endorses this message.

 

that's some tough love, that there

 

nevermind.