[Relationships] Getting out of a bad long-term one...

Ok, I'm going to be totally blunt here. I don't think you do care about his feelings at all. If you did, you would have shut this thing down long ago. I think you are more conerned with feeling guilty and for what society or your friends or your family or your church tells you is right. You are willing to basically put this guy through total hell to assuage your guilt and then tell yourself it is better for him if you string him along.

Do you think ANY man wants a woman that doesn't want him? Maybe for a short time, but, unless he's a stalker, most guys have enough self respect to realize that they deserve better for themselves and move on.

You have already moved on with your life. You need to allow him to do the same, but he cannot do that until you tell him it is over and break ties for good.

 

The "I wonder if it's the right thing to give it one more chance." Or the constant wondering if you're commiting a huge sin. Quit second guessing yourself and just end it already.

 

We've ALL told you what you need to do. Several times. The best thing for both of you is for you to break it off, period, and be done with it. No second chances. No maybes. Nothing.

Yet, you keep wanting to give him one more chance? What the hell? What were the other chances?

Like I said. I give up. You can do what you want to. But don't keep asking for advice if you're not going to take it.

 

Was he emotionally abusive when you married him or was it an act to "hook" you? I'm no expert, but I am learning quickly that a marriage formed out of deceit was never a marriage at all. Those are grounds for a "dissolution of marriage"

 

If you were not mature enough to make that decision or in a capable frame of mind, same thing. This might help:

http://landru.i-link-2.net/shnyves/grounds_annul.htm#grounds
http://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/__P3Z.HTM

Insufficient use of reason (Canon 1095, 10)
You or your spouse did not know what was happening during the marriage ceremony because of insanity, mental illness, or a lack of consciousness.

Grave lack of discretionary judgment concerning essential matrimonial rights and duties (Canon 1095, 20)
You or your spouse was affected by some serious circumstances or factors that made you unable to judge or evaluate either the decision to marry or the ability to create a true marital relationship.

Psychic-natured incapacity to assume marital obligations (Canon 1095, 30)
You or your spouse, at the time of consent, was unable to fulfill the obligations of marriage because of a serious psychological disorder or other condition.

Ignorance about the nature of marriage (Canon 1096, sec. 1)
You or your spouse did not know that marriage is a permanent relationship between a man and a woman ordered toward the procreation of offspring by means of some sexual cooperation.

Error of person (Canon 1097, sec. 1)
You or your spouse intended to marry a specific individual who was not the individual with whom marriage was celebrated. (For example, mail order brides; otherwise, this rarely occurs in the United States.)

Error about a quality of a person (Canon 1097, sec. 2)
You or your spouse intended to marry someone who either possessed or did not possess a certain quality, e.g., social status, marital status, education, religious conviction, freedom from disease, or arrest record. That quality must have been directly and principally intended.

Fraud (Canon 1098)
You or your spouse was intentionally deceived about the presence or absence of a quality in the other. The reason for this deception was to obtain consent to marriage.

Total willful exclusion of marriage (Canon 1101, sec. 2)
You or your spouse did not intend to contract marriage as the law of the Catholic Church understands marriage. Rather, the ceremony was observed solely as a means of obtaining something other than marriage itself, e.g., to obtain legal status in the country or to legitimize a child.

Willful exclusion of children (Canon 1101, sec. 2)
You or your spouse married intending, either explicitly or implicitly, to deny the other's right to sexual acts open to procreation.

Willful exclusion of marital fidelity (Canon 1101, 12)
You or your spouse married intending, either explicitly or implicitly, not to remain faithful.

Willful exclusion of marital permanence (Canon 1101, sec. 2)
You or your spouse married intending, either explicitly or implicitly, not to create a permanent relationship, retaining an option to divorce.

Future condition (Canon 1102, sec. 2)
You or your spouse attached a future condition to your decision to marry, e.g., you will complete your education, your income will be at a certain level, you will remain in this area.

Past condition (Canon 1102, sec. 2)
You or your spouse attached a past condition so your decision to marry and that condition did not exist; e.g., I will marry you provided that you have never been married before, I will marry you provided that you have graduated from college.

Present condition (Canon 1102, sec. 2)
You or your spouse attached a present condition to your decision to marry and that condition did not exist, e.g., I will marry you provided you don't have any debt.

Force (Canon 1103)
You or your spouse married because of an external physical or moral force that you could not resist.

Fear (1103)
You or your spouse chose to marry because of fear that was grave and inescapable and was caused by an outside source.

Error regarding marital unity that determined the will (1099)
You or your spouse married believing that marriage was not necessarily an exclusive relationship.

Error regarding marital indissolubility that determined the will (Canon 1099)
You or your spouse married believing that civil law had the power to dissolve marriage and that remarriage was acceptable after civil divorce.

Error regarding marital sacramental dignity that determined the will (Canon 1099)
You and your spouse married believing that marriage is not a religious or sacred relationship but merely a civil contract or arrangement.

Lack of new consent during convalidation (Canons 1157,1160)
After your civil marriage, you and your spouse participated in a Catholic ceremony and you or your spouse believed that (1) you were already married, (2) the Catholic ceremony was merely a blessing, and (3) the consent given during. the Catholic ceremony had no real effect

 

i dont think anyone should be in a relationship after they have tried to the extent that it sounds like you have. people make wrong judgments in life as in a marriage or anything else.

and just beacause a book (bible) tells you its wrong. when judgments from the text has been alterted many times. you tried thats all you can do. there is no point to drag it on. its better for the both of you.

you say that you should not get married unless you feel like you want to be with that person forever. but its not just you in the marriage. and the mental part is just as important as being physically hurt. when your in a marriage your suppost to feel the opposite of hurt.

gather your courage and end the relationship for yourself and the other person even if they dont have the courage for yourself. and if you feel like your abandoning him then do your very best to find a way to be a friend in the future

 

So Isabel you are so intent on being "selfless" that you are willing to make yourself miserable?? Not to sound like an ass but have you considered going into counseling?

 

hey isabel,

i didn't read this for awhile but it looks like ppl are pretty hard on you today. i know i've written about my previous relationship on this board before but if you don't know, it's basically the same as yours (emotional abuse, feeling guilty, wanting to pls him, stayed with him, thought he was the only thing good for me, yet i was miserable, cried everyday, emotional roller coasters (i don't know if you have that part)). we did the date on and off, on and off and on and off once more over a span of 7 f*ckin' years. looking back, it was THE dumbest thing i've ever done. i vowed i would never let someone get me so down again. it was miserable even tho i lied to myself and told me i was happy.

the cleaner the break the better. no phone, no email, no snail mail, no IM, no driving by, no NOTHING. go exercise like i said earlier in this thread, find a hobby, occupy your time.

you've tried all you can try, relationships are about more than one person, if he doesn't understand that, he never will.

email me and i can give you my number and i'm willing to talk to you if it makes it any better. i understand there are some days where you just want to cry and have it all go away. but life doesn't work like that. you have to make your own decisions and moves. IT'S YOUR LIFE. BE HAPPY.

-ruby

ps-just remember, everyone here cares and loves you and only wants the best for you. do something for you...everybody deserves happiness.

 

Well I feel like Fatty then - you asked the board what you should do and I don't think a SINGLE person told you to get back with him. Yet, this thing is on its eleventh page! I hope you can see things from our perspective - it is perplexing and exasperating that you still don't want to do what is best for you. I'm out on posting in these threads of yours from now on - I'll still read them, of course, and I hope you find that happiness. But posting in your threads to give you advice is pointless - you never want to follow it or anyone else's (when you should especially droxford and Fatty).

 

Here: I got you this, courtesy of Ferdinand.

 

There is absolutely nothing selfless about what you are doing.

Stop playing the martyr.

Look, you can't even post in a thread without trying to redivert attention to your "situation" and seeking affirmation. You asked for advice and the board responded, out of genuine concern for you and your well being, concern offered without ever having met you. And yet you haven't moved anywhere, unsuprisingly, becuase you're not here for advice, you're here to for affirmation, to feel justified, to glean some semblence of a sense of worth from the words of people who, for all practical purposes, don't know you.

Its obvious Ferdinand is pathological disturbed. From what you've described --and I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds -- it sounds as though the abuse extends beyond verbal manipulation. In the very least, his sexual objectification of you has eroded what little self esteem you walked into the relationship with.

Unfortunately, noone here can rebuild that for you. You need therapy, and not from us.

 

Bingo.

 

Wow, I don't know how I missed this one. I haven't read all the pages yet, but good luck with the relationship problems.

 

You can't break his grip if you don't break his delusion.

What I wrote before sounds cold to him, but he's not in a rational frame of mind.

What's really right for him is to continue the same pattern from the day both of you got married.

I wouldn't worry about the implications of scandal or embarrasment. You're kind of caught in a circle with that quote. How do you know what's really right if you don't have a sample of what other people think?

You have to look inside and listen to what your heart tells you instead of what other people are telling you (except for me hahahah)

Try meditation if your heart is cloudy.

You could sacrifice your life and become a nun. It'd be the most selfless solution.

I have to clarify and say that what some people here have suggested is for you to stand up for yourself. We aren't advocating selfishness. Allowing yourself to be exploited just isn't right to casual observers.

It's unfortunate that both of you are accustomed to a zero sum relationship where one has to lose in order for the other to win.

Ask yourself why being independent or free has to be attached with feelings of selfishness.

It's because Ferdinand's persistent that he is putting himself up to this hell. You can be compassionate and free him and yourself by giving him definite answers.

However, it's up to you because in this game the both of you are playing, you're in the winning position for probably the first time in your relationship.

Maybe that's why you feel guilty. Not because of your newfound independence, but rather your control of the marriage.

 

I don't think you're getting it.

While we haven't been in "your" shoes, some of us have been in his. You keep talking about trying to do the right thing, and being a "selfless" person, even if it hurts you; yet you're doing the "one" thing that we ALL know isn't right. Whether you're doing it because you're having second thoughts about this, or trying to help him is the issue.

According to your thoughts about this over the past year, we're assuming you already know that you're not going back to him. This begs the question "Then why in the hell don't you do what we, as men, KNOW to be the right thing?"

You have made your decision. You know this. We ARE here for you, believe it or not. But when you ask us what you should do with Ferdinand, and then you don't do it, we get the collective , as well. Mainly because we have been in his shoes, and we know that you are doing him a disservice.

 

Two things and then I'll leave it.

I understand this, but I just disagree, so I won't try to argue with you about it. For me, right and wrong is perspective. In your case, you are trying to figure out if it is more right to hurt his feelings or make yourself miserable. Tough choice when you are trying to figure out right vs. wrong.

As for our ability to be understanding, this board is not the place to look for it. You're talking to mostly guys who spend their days chatting about "gaming clans" and whether or not T-Mac's shooting percentage should be a worry for us all. It's like asking a group of scientists to craft you a beautiful short story. They MIGHT be able to do it eventually, but your chances are better at the literary convention.