[Relationships] Getting out of a bad long-term one...

well, at least he got one part right.....you are indeed certifiable

 

This is kinda abstract advice, but when going through tough times, don't listen to sappy emotional music like Chicago or anything. It just makes it worse. Listen to upbeat, non-love songs. Plus keep your mind active on learning new hobbies, take some art classes, play a musical instrument, read the New York Times or something out of the ordinary. It'll get your mind thinking of other things.

This is just my breakup/hard times advice similar to my working out is great for you idea.

Good luck everyone!

 

Why would you listen to Chicago in the first place?

Sorry I've never liked that band since they dropped the "Metropolitan Transit authority" from their name.

 

I'm actually curious as to why he would choose "Ferdinand" as his name. Second, those names that you use aren't the real names of the people, right? Does he know about these names that you use for him and everyone else?

EDIT: basically, what I meant is... did he specifically mention the BBS or anything else that made you so certain that he meant clutchfans and not your journal or something else that you might have saved your account signon into?

 

If you don't have an agreement to correspond only through emails, put one in place. So when he pulls something like that again, you can react by not responding to his emails for days or even weeks. Threaten a restraining order if he breaks the agreement again. He'll back down when authority is mentioned.

He's emotionally torn between anger and dependency so he'll feel like he's making the best of efforts even if his delivery is cold and stilted. Letting him rough out the storm by himself might be your best response if you have no intentions of getting back with him.

My 2 cents...

 

I think he just needs to leave you alone. In my experiences its best to just cut off all ties with a person - otherwise its an open wound that just never quite heals.

 

If it's over, it's over. He needs to know that though. When you say, "I said that I didn't know if I could ever go back to it, that I might just not have that in me, and it certainly didn't feel like the thing to do right now.", it makes him think he's got a shot. He needs to be told definitively that it is over. If he continues to stalk you, give him one warning and then take out the restraining order.

I know it sounds cold, but his relationship is like an infected wound. It's festering, and needs to be cut off.

 

Isabel, in all honesty, stop dealing in maybes with him. You need to tell him once and for all, "Look, this is over. I want a divorce. I'm never coming home. You need to learn to live with that. End of story."

The longer you drag this out (and it is you who is dragging this out), the more painful it is for BOTH of you. You need to get it over with so you can BOTH get on with your lives.

You worry so much about hurting his feelings, but can't you see that the longer you do this, the more you just drag the pain out for him? I mean, which would you rather have, a fast, almost instantaneous death or a slow torturous one?

Give yourself AND Ferdinand and break and finish this thing once and for all or you are both just going to continue to suffer. I'm sure you would like for it to all just go away, but it won't. You have to end it and the sooner the better.

 

I agree with this.

 

stop this madness!!!!

 

Where are you in a band at, the Vatican?
Would you honestly worry that people think this? And if they did, I don't think their opinion is worth worrying about in the first place.

 

Amen - this post needs to be repeated ad nausem throughout this thread - at least until Isabel heeds its advice.

 

I agree with Falcon's Talon, Jeff, and Droxford. You need to be honest with yourself and admit that it's over for you, and you want it to be over with him.

A while back I was madly in love with a girl, we had a great relationship together, but she eventually fell out of love with me and ended it. I was tortured for a long time, and would die to get any thing from her, just a word over the phone, an email, anything. I resented her deeply for cutting me off and stopping all communication, I was really angry at her for that at the time- but now I see it was definitely for the best. If she stayed in touch, or spoke to me to try and comfort me, the torture only would have lasted longer. Total cutoff was the only way to move forward, for both of us. Now it's time for you to do it. Don't think you're doing him any kindness by giving indefinite answers or leaving openings; you're not.

Good luck.

 

I give up. Get back together with him. You're going to anyway. You've made that abundantly clear with the constant excuses in this 10 page thread.

 

It's more unfair to string him along as you are right now than it is to leave him. If you want to be fair, finalize and clarify your situaion.

Nothing drives a guy more crazy than to be strung along with a bunch of "maybe" and "I don't know".

 

No s*!&. If you were unhappy for the past several years, end it. If you were happy the past several years, stay with him. I think it's pretty cut and dry at this point.