[Relationships] Getting out of a bad long-term one...

Thanks guys. I'm making it thus far, though it hasn't been easy emotionally. (I haven't managed enough sleep this week either.) He's backed off a bit and continued our discussion on email. He did email my mom asking for advice. She took more of my side than his. We're trying to be fair about it, and he's started to be more mature with me, but he still doesn't take much responsibility for things. Ferdinand thinks I am immature compared to him, as well as overly emotional, and blames a lot of things on that. Like thinking I made it difficult for him to tell how seriously upset I was. (apparently my word wasn't enough)

Needless to say, I don't see myself taking back anybody who's going to be looking down on me like that. If I tell you I'm upset, at least believe me. The next guy I end up with - which is probably going to happen, like, never because I'm the kind of girl everybody just sees as a good friend, but theoretically... is going to respect me, I will see to that.

The aloneness is a little weird, even though I've been gradually separating myself from him over a period of the last couple of years - in terms of not spending any time with him, at home, etc. and getting involved in lots of other stuff. So all that was already there for me. It's still hard to get used to not being special to anyone anymore, but so be it.

This weekend, unfortunately, I need to get back to the business of moving more of my stuff and cleaning up/ fixing up my new place, and I don't have as many social distractions. (which is too bad, as I could use social distractions) I've also got a sort of life/career crisis going on at the same time, but what do you do?

 

Denial: not just a river in Egypt anymore.

I thought I was done with him bothering me so much in person, but he called (silly me decided to pick it up because at least it had been a few days)... at first I think he was lonely and just wanted to chat about random stuff, and that's fine. But then he asked me to go exercising with him tonight, and to go to lunch with him tomorrow. (no to both, of course, but I guess he has the right to ask... I just don't know if he gets it though )

I want to see how he responds to the ongoing email and the part where he had accused me of "verbal abuse". WTF?!? I wonder what he'll say counted as abuse. He still thinks he's done everything pretty much right and is doing everything right, and I'm wrong for giving up. I think he doesn't really think of me as gone and thinks I'll snap right back into place...

And I actually do have someone offering to help keep me company, or keep me occupied... which is nice, but I'm going to limit the amount of time that he can spend doing that. (look, guys, just because you get a girl's phone number and you're going to be friends and hang out, that phone number is not supposed to be used several times a day, especially at first.) I don't see him as more than a friend at this point. But oh well, my emotions never cooperate with reality. Therefore you get the drama queen and the soap opera that is my life.

 

Exactly. Guess I'd better limit it to the official "relationship discussion email" and not answer the phone if I think it's him.

 

no, why?

 

Bad news, guys. Looks like he really has read this board. He mentioned it in an email to me, and considers it an offense against him that I post these things. (look, we all need to vent and ask friends for advice. He can do the same about me, on any board he wants, even here if he thinks he has to.)

Latest arguments from him:
-The only morally correct course of action is to work on improving the marriage.
-There have been times when I have thought he might be cold and unfeeling, and I said that to him. Apparently that counts as "verbal abuse". (IMO, he feels it when it hurts him - just not when it hurts somebody else)
-He's only known how I felt for a few months, and wishes I had told him. (This is not true; the first thing I do when I'm unhappy with my relationship with someone is tell that person that. Some of you have even dug up old threads - which I had forgotten about - where I mentioned my unhappiness with him, and it was nothing that I hadn't already expressed to him. Oh well. He insists on believing that he didn't know there was trouble until recently. Look, I was there, that's just not the way it was.)

I'm hanging out with friends (and just that; no relationships or funny business for me anytime soon, those things scare me) and having as good a time as possible considering all this. It was an emotionally weird week. I feel like things are finally normal, though, the way they should be.

I just think there's no going back to this marriage. He sees everything the way he wants to see it and is not willing to change. His friends can't straighten him out because he doesn't have any. (oh, and Ferdinand, if you're reading this, STOP. Go get on your own board somewhere. Thank you.)

 

Interesting... for a long time, it seemed like you wanted me to stay in the marriage (and that may be your belief system, which is valid). Then you seemed to end up on my side, or agreeing that I needed to get out, once you saw all the stuff he was saying? (or just because I seemed to insist on leaving?)

in other words... if someone really is manipulating me, not listening to me, and either lying or blocking out everything I tried to tell him.... hopefully I don't have to stay in the marriage then.

(thanks for the support, and hope this makes sense... it's 3 in the morning)

 

and he can read the board all he wants. I can ask him to stop. Can't make him.