[Relationships] Getting out of a bad long-term one...

Yes, believe it or not. This is not an email. The parts in quotes are taken verbatim from actual phone conversations, and I typed them as soon as he said them. I've never known anyone else to talk like this either, but this guy does.

(while I'm glad for the anonymity of this bbs, too bad I can't appear in person just to do my Ferdinand impersonation - the tone of voice, which usually comes across as kind of harsh.) He is one different dude. Maybe I should be giving him another chance, or be nicer to him , but my instinct says he's just not a very nice person.

 

(darn it... I wrote a long response to this and the computer logged me out and ate it... I'll try to recreate it, and faster, but it's too bad )

See, I always worry that I'm really the bad guy, since you only see my side, and that you don't see it and neither do I. I mean, I hope that's not true, but I often think - how many people are out there who are clueless or psycho or evil or manipulative but don't realize it? I really hope it's not me. But, if it was, how would I know? So I'm just trying to put the evidence out there to see if I really have a case.

At least he finally moved our discussion to email (after repeated requests from me whenever he would call), but... well, here's essentially what he said:

"In case no one has told you before, you tend to
be very melodramatic."
(he goes on and on about it, accuses me of "using hyperbole", and says he can't tell when I'm being serious and that I wouldn't ever tell him when there was a problem)

He claims that I've been collecting black marks against him in my head for a long time and he's finally accumulated too many.

He accuses me of insensitivity and even some abusive behavior in the past (not sure what he's talking about even)... "but I love you, and I forgive and
forget....all I remember is how upset you were and wishing I
could help you feel better."

Anyway, that's what he said. A lot of horsesh!t. I never exaggerated anything and was always clear about what the problems were, and told him as soon as we had them. I don't know where he gets the idea of the melodrama. The "but I love you, and I forgive and forget" right after the accusations sounds kind of like a manipulation tactic to me... being high and mighty, letting me know he's morally better than me. If he really just wished he could make me feel better, that would have been the main focus of most of his communication with me, both then and now.

But... look, guys, I've always had low self-confidence. When I was young, I was behind for my age socially and not extremely popular with the boys. I was afraid that I would never be pretty or charming or socially adept enough to truly capture any guy's heart, and I hated that since I'm an affectionate person and wanted to be in a relationship, so I'd better take what I could get. Of course, I was 19 so I never even really found out what I could or couldn't get, but he seemed to offer stability and someone to listen to me. When you're young and uncertain, far away from home, tired of guys your age trying to use you, and just wanting comfort and a good friend, it seems tempting. And, even when the relationship turns out not to be so great, you want to hang onto it. When you do have the courage to try to break free, he convinces you otherwise. Just saying how I got into this. Unfortunately, it's probably made me emotionally worse instead of better.

(and I wonder... what if it is my fault? What if everything he says is true somehow? How would I know any better? Not like I've had any other relationships to compare it with. )

I've been kind of shaken up today, kind of sad. Don't worry, I think we're past the point of no return - myself and most of my possessions are already safely stashed somewhere else. It would take a deliberate act of moving back to ever get back together with him, and I don't think I could do that. But I go about my business knowing that I hurt someone else, that even his cat wonders why I'm moving my stuff out and I don't stay. And the reality is settling in emotionally: that I'm going to be all alone for a long time, that I'm not even special to anyone, that everyone sees me as just a friend. (ironic, since relationships scare the daylights out of me anyway right now) That I'm not as strong as I like deep down inside - that I'll be riding this emotional roller coaster, wanting comfort I can't have. It still "really sucks", I guess. Thanks again for listening and for all your support. You guys are great.

 

No I don't, honestly. Why would you think that?

I just like security... kept it in a bad relationship for far too long... having trouble dealing w/ this stuff and need a lot of sleep. But I'll make it. I appreciate getting to post in here. It's a hard time for me.