[Relationships] Getting out of a bad long-term one...

Wow...More manipulation:

used family opinion against you...
accused you of being irresponsible...
accused you of being immature...
accused you of being discourteous...
accused you of being a bully...
accused you of being unfair...
accused you of treating him poorly...
accused you on not knowing what you're doing...
acuseed you of being uncharitable...
accused you of doing the "wrong" thing...

He doesn't sound at all sensitive to what you're going through. He's still not realizing the situation. He's not taking you seriously.

Try not answering your phone for a week.

(btw - I come from a family that uses every single manipulation tactic you can think of, and I've learned ways to deal with most of 'em. Thankfully, my wife's family is almost completely free of manipulation, and we live close to them, not my family.)

 

Sounds like a used car salesman. Those are high pressure tactics. He's probably figured out what works best on you over the years.

Stop talking to him for a while. See if you're happier then (or at least less miserable). Then, you'll know whether your decision is right for you.

Good luck.

 

The fact that this grown man is using his mother and whatever he says she thinks is weak. He's passive agressive about his emotions and both of you are accustomed to know what he's getting at.

That **** shouldn't fly. You're letting his short-hand inflict you, and in the process you're enabling him by playing his game. Say something like, "I still respect your mother, but this is our issue to work out, which you're doing very horribly right now."

If he brings stuff about "my wife" tell him what you think "your husband" should do. You already some spent time with that on your list... Ask him more about what "his duties" are. The more he plays the guilt game, the more you can burn him with what he says he should do and what he actually did.

If he says crap about being right or doing right, he's rationalizing his opinions upon you. If your misery makes him right, then move back.

This is the time to right down the list of his wrongs and lay it on him, for your benefit....especially when he mentions his mum again. You deflect his passive anger with your direct anger. "Your mom thinks poor of me...well here's what I think about what you did.

Don't use emotions against him. List the events that bothered you and what he constantly does wrong to you. Don't call him a b**** or a p***y, or use your emotions. Lay down facts and let him stew over it.

Since he's the clingy type, you might have to change your phone number. You should only call him instead of letting him prattle on when you answer his calls. If you want to be fair and talk once a week, it's entirely up to you. Warn him about calling you less, and then do it. Don't threaten him or warn him about the number change. It's your right, and when he bugs you on the new number, more measures can be taken.

He's using everything he has (your pity) because again, it wasn't his choice. You are in control. Only you can decide whether to move back again.

Just remember, he's the type that will use this incident against you instead of thinking of it as a wakeup call to be a better husband.

 

You could...

invite a bunch of BBS'ers over to your new apartment for a Rockets viewing party. Then, when he calls, he'll get to hear the sound of about 30 men in the background as you are laughingly distracted by your enjoyment of the party-full-of-men.

 

Stay strong Isabel. The fact that he brings his mother into the discussion just shows what a piece of garbage this guy is. He sounds really weak, manipulative, insecure, and selfish. You're doing the right thing here, no doubt in my mind.

 

Isabel,

You seem to be a kind & Intelligent woman.

You know deep down you are doing the right thing. Courage is doing the right thing, even when you know it will hurt.

I admire you for that.

Stay strong.

DD

 

Isabel, if simply answering his call subjects you to this abuse, hit the end button. Many times on the phone, my ex would start laying into me and I would simply hang up. Wouldn;t warn her about it. Just "click". When she would call back, I'd answer and start again. When she started laying into me again, I'd hang up. Eventually, she'd either stop insulting or stop calling. Either way, problem solved.

Don't let him manipulate you. He's trying to push the guilt buttons.

Like DaDa said, stay strong. Don't act on feelings of guilt.

 

If you would like, let me talk to him. I'm pretty good at insulting someone until they cry. (yes... even men)

 

Uh...A little late, but He is not your responsibility...He is a grown man and all he is doing is giving you a guilt trip, and guess what, it worked...It is normal to move on and feel a little bad, but "scum of the earth", please...Scum of the earth would entail you being a child molester or running a concentration camp or something really worthy of the term...

btw, not sure where your at, but SBC/ATT has a deal around the Dallas area, which I'm sure its everywhere for DSL being about $16/mo. You need an escape from reality...Since you can't do a Total Recall, and you don't drink, go shopping and buy yourself something or go do something YOU enjoy...A movie wouldn't be bad either...

 

Glad to see your eyes opening up. Sometimes you have to get mad and put your foot down.

 

I don't want to derail this thread or move it to the D & D so perhaps I will start a separate D & D thread. The post you are responding to was less about advice to Isabel but using her situation as an example for a philosophical question.

I enjoy the religious discussions on the D & D and find them very interesting and don't want to give the impression I'm out to bash Christianity. I'm not a Christian but am curious about all sorts of religious beliefs and why people follow them.

 

Always trust your instincts.

 

Wow, Isabel...in the past I have said you sound like a friend of mine - former Rice grad/science PhD type who plays the piano and is religious. Now I think you could be my sister. I have heard all of those things you relayed previously via her mouth about her soon-to-be ex husband. To this day, he tells her that she does not understand how hard it is for him. Him only.

Men are stupid little babies. Why women bother is beyond me. You guys are superior yet you stupidly ignore that fact.

 

The ship has sailed. You don't need to talk to him at all. I would file the paperwork for the divorce and be done with it.

There's nothing you will ever say to him that will make him suddenly feel better, so why bother?

 

how much longer left in your tenure at that school?

you need to get the hell outta Dodge tootsweet

start looking now for your next city of residence.

you've been wanting to get out for a while, dont stop at just your own place..

only other thing to be said is to echo Dak...Stay Strong, trust your instincts.


and good luck

 

"Goodbye."

sheesh, your descriptions of him are making me sick. In my unprofessional, Dr. Phil opinion, he's an anus.

 

Get three guys to help clean out your place. If he refuses, play the wife card for legal reasons...

That'd shut him up for a moment...he'd probably cry in his corner.

When he calls, get someone with a male sounding voice like a girlfriend's husband or boyfriend.

He already thinks the worst of you. Who cares what his mother thinks... If you do, then talk to his mother directly. You'd be playing with fire, but I bet you're tearing yourself up analyzing what she thinks instead of confirming it and moving on.

As for religion, it isn't up to him to decide. If he does something stupid with himself, that's still between him and his God.

Most of all, tell him that you gave him chances to commit all these years. The fact that he didn't take it seriously and thinks that this is the first sign of trouble should be stressed repeatedly. He assumes it's his second chance.