Relationship Problems

Lil Pun,

Breaks are for a lot of things and I think you're experiencing one of them. It's easy to say it's all on the other person, but you should use this time to figure out your flaws as well. If you don't, there's a good chance that you'll find yourself in the same position in your next relationship.

The same exact thing happened to me. When my college girlfriend and I went on a break before breaking up, I didn't take the time to try and understand what I was doing wrong. Part of that was because that person happened to be an absolute b****, but that doesn't mean that I didn't contribute to the deterioration of the relationship, even if it was a minimal contribution. So, fast forward three years and I'm in the same exact spot with my ex. The problems I didn't bother to investigate and fix before really helped ruin a good relationship. So, while we were on our break before we officially broke up, I really took the time to look inside myself and see where I went wrong, even though I knew that I wasn't the only one that made mistakes in the relationship.

I contribute the fact that I'm in an amazing relationship with a woman I'm going to marry in less than five months partly to that time. I looked at flaws in the way I handled myself in the relationship, fixed them, and now I'm happier than I've ever been.

You're doing a good thing Lil Pun. You'll be a better mate for someone down the road for it, if not for your current girl. Good luck, man.

 

Where have I been for this?

This **** sounds like what I went through in my divorce.

Lil Pun, listen to a guy that went through this in already.

The advice that FFB has given is sound.

Do not let the guilt influence your decisions/actions. You may feel like you are taking responsiblity for your shortcomings, but she will exploit every ounce of guilt you feel and completely neuter you.

Do you think she is letting the guilt of her neglecting you affect her actions? Absolutely not.

You probably have both failed to sacrifice things for each other. Why do you dwell on what you have not done for her.

You're setting yourself up...badly.

You need to be who you are with this girl. She needs to be who she is with you. If you two can't be true to yourselves, how can you expect to be true to each other?

Cut your losses and find someone more compatible with you. Don't look at the time you have already invested in this relationship. The sooner you get out, the sooner you find your REAL happiness.

 

I concur - Listen to Fatty

read his post over and over again. Apply it. Live it. It's completely true.

-- droxford

 

When I read the first post in this thread, I wondered how the whole thing would sound from Pun's girlfriend instead. We don't actually know the girl, so it's hard to be confident about assumptions we have about her -- after all, they are only reflections of what you think of her.

 

I have seen the exact same actions in the past in my ex...

From the "going out with friends", to the "not calling", to the not respecting the "break"(separation).

In the end, divorce city. She played on my guilt to get everything.

 

There is something here you have not considered. The Chocolate. You have forced her into a chocolate free environment during Easter. The consequences of which I don't think any man can comprehend.

 

Ok...now...

You be yourself and do what you want to do.
She has to be herself and do what she wants to do.

If you want to stay home, and she wants to go clubbing, you both do what you want to do.
If you can live like that, then stay with her, but once you feel you are "sacrificing" your things to do hers, or vice versa someone will start feeling neglected.

BTW, I am the quiet, get home after work, hardly ever want to go clubbing/dancing kind of guy. Ex was the social butterfly. Opposites attract, at first. Then it becomes sacificial.

 

Coming from a girls point of view---I would say you were sacrificing more than she was. Nobody is perfect in any relationship. But it seems to me like you tried harder to make everything work than she did.

 

Dude - you gotta stop thinking in terms of 'right' and wrong.

If you don't feel like calling her, don't. If she wants you to call more often, she'll need to communicate that to you. And if she does, you should adjust your behavior to be considerate of her. That's how things work in a relationship.

is it right that you never made an effort to call her?
maybe... maybe not. If she told you she wanted more phone calls, and you ignored her, well.. that's bad. If she didn't communicate that to you, she shouldn't expect change. Don't blame yourself.

Is it right that she didn't speak up about it?
Well, if she wants change, she needs to communicate. If she didn't communicate that to you, she shouldn't expect change. Don't blame yourself.

Is it right that I don't like to do the same things she does?
You answer 'No'. DEAD GIVEAWAY - this CLEARLY demonstrates that you are unnnecessarily blaming your self. That fact that you like what you like doesn't make you wrong or right - just different. With your distorted logic, does that mean it's RIGHT for you to change what you like and don't like for your girl? Reltationships don't work like that. Don't blame yourself (starting to see a pattern here?). This is a clear sign that your head's messed up.

Is it right that she spends all of her time with her friends instead of me?
Well, if you've communicated to her that you want change, and she's ignoring you, that's a bad thing.

LISTEN TO FATTY

-- droxford

 

We shouldn't talk about "faults." Look, it is not your fault nor is it her fault. People just grow apart. I know you feel guilty about not calling her as much, but in your first post you said you were bothered by how she doesn't call you.

That is not the signs of a good relationship. After people have been togehter for a while, two things happen:

1. They stop calling each other all the time because they love and trust each other. They give each other space and recognize that you don't need to contact the other person 24/7 to show you "love" them.

2. They talk to each other three times a day and love it.

In your situation, both of you have felt this "calling" thing is beoming a chore. That means you are both bored with the relationship and you want to move on. Unfortunately for you, she moved on first with her clubb'n ho friends.

At your age it is very hard to settle down. This is especially true when you've been together for a while and you're getting to that "sh*t or get off the pot" stage where serious commitment is around the corner. She is not ready for the next level in your relationship and you're better off letting her go.

 

again, there is a lot of good stuff in here.

lil pun-like i've said before, i've dated my ex (first love) on and off 3 times in a span of 7 years!!! i was stupid for blaming myself, feeling guilty each time, etc-all those feelings you're having now.

we did get along better the third time compared to the first time, but the underlying fundamentals of the relationship were not working and those issues came up EACH time we dated. i did give it a try, like i said, THREE times (that is a lot!!) and looking back, those were the stupidest things i've ever done.

i really should've walked away and left the whole situation. i was young too. i promise, in 5 yrs, you'll look back and be thankful.

but like others here said, everyone must learn on your own. you may feel like our advice is harsh or something, but it's b/c we've been in your situation before and we're trying to be a parent and steer you away so you don't get TOO hurt.

good luck and DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP over this!! life will move on!!!

 

I think the problem is you are not ready to walk away. And that's definitely okay. It will do no good to walk away if you aren't ready. You will know when you've had enough....I promise. I know it sounds corny....but this song from Madonna got me to thinking in my past hurtful relationship and helped me to realize I was ready to move on. After I did he came crying to me. And I stayed strong and am proud that I did. Good luck!

Madonna- Power of Goodbye

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long

Walk away
There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress

There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye

Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye

There's nothing left to try
There's no more places to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye
There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye

 

I will add to those saying that Fatty is right. I've been through it, and you are going through it now. She started calling you during the break because she felt her hold on you slipping, she wanted to test if she still had it. She does.

She wasn't doing this to be cruel and was probably all subconcious on her part. The break was initiated by her. You are doing a good thing to ponder things you could do to improve the relationship. But giving in to her every wish at the expense of losing yourself isn't one of them. She won't respect you for doing that.

Stick to your guns, and then whether you end up with her not, she will at least have to respect you.

There is a great line in the film Barcelona, about when someone starts getting cold feet and wanting to back off from you or the relationship you need to try manouever X. That is where you take yourself away from the relationship and other person even more than they are doing. It won't always save the relationship, but if it is going to be saved that is the way to do it.

Anyway good luck

 

Thanks for speaking up. We need more FEMALE advice here.


LIL PUN, if not calling her ENOUGH is water under the bridge, then you wouldn't worry about it. Like I said in my first response, it is lack of attention that gets a human being, not just a female, bored to death or feel like their pushed aside. I think she walked away from telling you the truth, so it's not just you, it's her too...

MAN, shoot, I wished WORDS COULD SAY WHAT WE EXACTLY MEAN, but sometimes they don't come out right... we need to be careful. Cheers, buddy. Be good.

 

Like a Virgin
Madonna


I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
Didn't know how lost I was
Until I found you

I was beat incomplete
I'd been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Shiny and new

Chorus:

Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
When your heart beats (after first time, "With your heartbeat")
Next to mine

Gonna give you all my love, boy
My fear is fading fast
Been saving it all for you
'Cause only love can last

You're so fine and you're mine
Make me strong, yeah you make me bold
Oh your love thawed out
Yeah, your love thawed out
What was scared and cold

(chorus)

Oooh, oooh, oooh

You're so fine and you're mine
I'll be yours 'till the end of time
'Cause you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
I've nothing to hide

(chorus)

Like a virgin, ooh, ooh
Like a virgin
Feels so good inside
When you hold me, and your heart beats, and you love me

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Ooh, baby
Can't you hear my heart beat
For the very first time?

 

Nah, I think that you are saying that you both have areas where you could have done better.

What we're trying to get you to see is that this is the reality of many relationships that break up. Sometimes, if you try to hard to make a relationship work, you burn up the the drivng force.

You guys have to be true to yourselves. Do you really want to partake in the social life that she enjoys so. Does she really want to partake in the quiet time that you enjoy?

 

That Fat b*stard appears to have some sound advice.

Look time heals all wounds and you have a big one open now. Try to take up a hobby. Spend more time with some friends.

Just don't do any swan dives in a bottle.