[Relationship Advice] Getting serious about a girl

Paris is worth worth a mass!!!

If you want historical inspiration, read this short excerpt from Wikipedia about one Henri of Navarre. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_IV_of_France

No crown of France for you, but hey you'd get the girl, no?

 

Oh my goodness. I had held off from reading this thread but now I am glad I did because I am going through the exact same thing. I was raised in a Southern Baptist family but through the times I have come to be agnostic myself. My family really doesn't like it and have sneered and said things like "I should have went to church more." or "I feel sorry for you." or other things. They have eventually gotten used to it and although they still do not approve they just don't bring the subject up.

My girlfriend of five years was raised Catholic as everybody in her family. The subject of marriage and kids has come up pretty often, especially lately as my college career is slowly coming to an end. She talks about how the kids will go to mass with her or her family, they will practice Catholic practices and what not, and how they will even attend a Catholic school. I have told her that maybe one of those things is OK but not all three. She is pretty cool with it though but every time the subject reappears she mentions those things again and I have to remind her that it's not going to happen.

I don't mind them being brought up in the Catholic lifestyle but I don't want them having to live through it during their home, school, and free times. When they get older they'll eventually be able to make their own decisions on religion and life and you'll still love them the same even if they stick with religion.

The biggest thing is probably them families but as somebody has already said this would be your family and you being an adult should take control of that. Tell the other family members that these kids will be raised our way and not according to anybody else as they are ours. If you compromise a situation with your significant other then you had a say in how they were raised so it is you two who made the decision and not just her. I think both of our families realize and understand this. My family doesn't care what religion it is as long as they don't end up like me. Her family understands that it is our choice.

If I were you I would make some kind of deal like that though. You can take them to mass and church functions but this isn't going to be shoved down their throats every day of the wakened lives. Just compromise, that's what all relationships are, compromises.

 

Maybe try scientology?

 

Raise them as good believers.... Like Martin Luther. A Catholic that finally got it.

 

I'm impressed with your forethought!

I think that half the battle is won by having these prolonged discussions now rather than to have these issues come up unexpectedly after marriage or, worse, after kids have arrived.

You will figure it out in time.

 

Didn't cathloics start the whole "masturbation is evil" thing? Yeah, that's pretty much the worst idea ever.

You're better off getting rid of her...

 

You definitely need to resolve this sooner rather than later if you see yourself being with her.

For your family - who cares? I know what you mean about them because I have extended family that are/were big time baptists and pretty much see Catholocism as Devil worship. But if you love this woman that is more important than your family judging you.

One thing to consider, though. Catholic churches vary in their allowances. Some are very strict about converting before marriage (they won't marry you if you are not Catholic) while others don't care. Further, some are more strict than others about Baptism as well. At the least you would probably have to say that you will allow her to be in charge of spirituality for your kids or something along those lines.

Religion and money are two of the bigger issues for marriage so it is good you guys are talking and trying to find issues to smoothe out. I would guess her Catholocism is stronger than your agnosticism so you should probably start thinking of ways to compromise.

 

It is definitely good that you are figuring this out before hand. As far as the families go, once you are married, you will have your own family, and it will ultimatley be up to you and your wife how that family is run.

In the end if your family is dead set against it say this, "You know, you guys are probably right, because you usually are, but this is something I feel really strongly about, and have to do. It may be that later on this will be a mistake that I have to learn from."

That speech works on the family problems most of the time no matter what the issue is.

My father was Catholic, and my Mother was protestant. I went to both services at various times. I never went through the communion, and all that which it sounds like your wife wants. But perhaps you could allow your wife to raise the child Catholic, and get her to allow you once a month, for exposure to other things(religions/experiences).

I think as long as you raise your child to be thoughful, reflective, and open, exposure to all things can be handeled with appropriate context etc. Judging from your own experiences and this post, it sounds like the children will be raised to be thinking people, so I wouldn't worry too much.

 

Basically, you and your girl need to work this out on your own. If you aren't able to come to a consensus about it, then maybe you shouldn't get married or have kids, but IMO, you shouldn't even worry about either of your families. Once you are married, she is your family and the only person who should have a say in how you conduct your family business should be you and your wife.

 

LOL- foundation....the family is the foundation......religion is a choice.

Or is all that born again stuff just phooo phooo?

DD

 

You think people would not have their own beliefs if they do not go to church at an early age???

 

catch me sunday mornings in that 8:30 service

 

I'm an Evangelical Baptist who left God at age 18, and came back to Him when I turned 28 after trying to figure out life. During my time away from Him, I met my wife, who is a hardcore atheist raised in a family which practices a form of Buddhism (or Taoism, not sure) where they actually go under some sort of trance while being "possessed" by one of their "deities". It wasn't an issue for me at the time because I was an agnostic just like you, however it became an issue after I rededicated myself to God again.

My wife and I have arguments about religion sometimes, and I won't lie, it has been a struggle at times. I'm not sure what will happen when we have kids or how we will raise them. But I'd rather go through the struggles with her than have a smooth time about it with a Christian female (who undoutedly will bring her own set of problems). Every marriage will ALWAYS have arguments, if you marry an agnostic, it just means you will probably argue about something else. If you love this woman and she loves you, then you two should be marrying each other for each other, and weather whatever storms come along because I guarantee youm every relationship will have them.

My approach to the religious arguments I have with my wife is (To quote the great Luther Vandross who said it best):

"I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
whoo-oo-oo-oo yeah"

and trust me you will need the whoo-oo-oo-oo yeah.

 

Love is the Only true religion,nothing else matters

 

The real solution is not take your kids to church, just wake them up early and turn on joel osteen. thats all the religious experience i need. i think church is overrated. the only thing you can learn from church is hypocracy i hate the way church ppl look at non-church ppl as if we deserve to go to hell or something.

Either way your kids will find their own way. Besides a little catholicism growing up wont hurt them, if might teach them more discipline. Thats really what church and religion is for, to keep ppl in line.

 

By all means, today's youth need Christian Truths pounded into their skulls from the cradle, so that later on in their life they have very few rational thoughts wrt the one and only true religion.

 

Two words: Secret Vasectomy

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This reminds me of when a cousin of mine married this girl who "converted" to Judaism for him. Then about a year ago he finds out that she had become born again and had been taking their daughters to church secretly.

Yeah they're now divorced, haha.

 

Just don't have kids.

 

I agree with others in the fact that if you get married, this decision is one that you and your future wife need to make - not your parents or her parents, etc. My parents are 2 very radically different individuals when it comes to religion - my father grew up Church of Christ and had a very bad experience with it. He now claims to be a deist (although I think he really is agnostic) and hasn't been in a church in well over 30 years. My mother grew up Episcopalian and then switched over to Methodist. She is thinking about going back to the Episcopal Church. Yet they have somehow made their marriage work (they just celebrated their 41st anniversary this past December). But what works for them obviously doesn't work for everyone else. But it is like hotballa said, if you truly love one another, you can make it work even if you differ on your stances for religion.

As for me, I converted from Methodist to Church of Christ because that is what my wife is. I would always chuckle when people came up to me and say things like "Boy, that has to be really hard to make that change or don't you feel weird going to a Church of Christ?" Other than the fact that all the singing is a cappella, there isn't much difference at all. It wasn't a big deal to me.

I hope you can work it out as that is something that is important and needs to be resolved before you get married (unless the 2 of you are unique like my parents).

 

I am jewish and my wife is Catholic. I got lucky in the fact that we're both closer to being agnostic than we are to our respective religions. We did have the family thing to deal with, though. While neither family is hardcore on either side, it was still a sticking point from the beginning. "How are you going to raise your children?" We were very clear from the beginning...we will raise our children to be good people and they will learn many different points of view. When they're old enough, they can make their own decision as to which path to follow.

With the predicament that your possible wife-to-be still wants to take the kids to mass, I'm not sure how to get around that. I think you need to be very very clear from the beginning on what you want. You can consider your parents feelings, but that in no way should direct your final decision. It has to be between you and your girlfriend/wife. If she wants to take them to mass, fine...as long as she allows for you to teach your children your point of view as well without degrading it.