Really bizarre and expensive Mavericks merchandise

Got a couple of hundred grand running around that you just have to get rid of? Like the Mavs? You've got all kinds of choices: A date with Devin Harris or Jerry Stackhouse, a team of life-size bobbleheads, a chance to be Mark Cuban for a day, and other disgusting choices.

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Dallas Mavericks catalog has a lot for the big shots

Forget the Christmas catalog from Neiman Marcus.

For Dallas Mavericks fans, the ultimate gift-giving book is the team's Above The Rim collection of unique and, for the most part, unaffordable-to-the-common-fan experiences and merchandise.

You want a Ford Mustang emblazoned with the Mavericks logo on the hood and the sides? This book has it. It goes for $90,000 and is billed as the definitive American muscle car – which isn't misleading anymore because these Mavericks actually do have a little muscle, unlike so many of their predecessors.

You want decadence? How about a three-night getaway with Devin Harris to the exclusive Ocean Club resort on Paradise Island in the Bahamas? You will fly there on the Mavericks' team jet and have dinner, cocktails and golf with the point guard. The experience is tabbed at $300,000, but only one is available, so hurry.

Those are just two of the many outrageous offerings in the slick catalog, which owner Mark Cuban says is the newest way for the ultimate Mavericks fans to show their pride.

"It goes beyond the foam fingers, T-shirts, hats and face paint that we all love and touches the imagination of every fan, myself included," Cuban writes in the book. "Whether you've ever dreamed about becoming a Maverick, pictured yourself driving the ultimate Mavericks ride or wished that you could call the shots as owner for just one day, your ultimate Mavs fantasies can be fulfilled right here."

For $20,000, the owner for a day will get a crash course in the organization's inner workings, have lunch with the team's executives, sit courtside, have access to the locker room and get interviewed on the television broadcast. There's also a post-game suite at the W Hotel thrown in.

No mention of whether griping about the referees is a prerequisite for purchasing the package.

You also could have been a player for a day, signing an official one-day contract. But that offer is off the table, having already been purchased for $20,000. And the not-so-poor guy doesn't even get paid.

The Mavericks haven't forgotten the ladies, either. A spot on the dance team is available for $20,000. You get to train with them for two weeks, then perform on the court at a game. It's called "Dancer for a Night," which sounds more palatable than "Prancing Around in Very Little Clothing in front of 20,000 People for a Night."
You want the ultimate 18 holes? You got it with a very nattily attired Jerry Stackhouse and you playing Dallas National Golf Club for the bargain price of $25,000. Trust us on this one: If Stack is in the group, the entertainment will be worth the cost.

There are plenty of other goodies to buy, with the most disturbing being life-sized bobble-head dolls of Dirk Nowitzki, Harris and, perhaps, other Mavericks.

Which brings up the question: What does one do with a life-sized bobble-head doll?

Maybe they could be put outside the front door like some people put those big stone lions. The bobble guys could act as security guards, assuming they can play a little defense.

 

Someone with a thing for skinny, boyish-looking men.