Preview of tonites Presidential Debate

> I was lucky enough to come across a copy of tonites
>night's Presidential Debate.
> Thought I'd share it with you guys in case you were not
>going to be able to catch it live.
>
> Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the presidential debate between
>Vice President Al Gore and Gov.
> George W. Bush.
>
> The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a
>question. The candidate will
> ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks
>designed to appeal to undecided
> women voters.
>
> The opponent will then have one minute to respond by
>trying to frighten senior citizens
> into voting for him.
>
> When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper
>softly while he continues to spew
> incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.
>
> Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you
>give us the name of a downtrodden
> citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that
>strains the bounds of common
> sense?
>
> Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we
>tenderly made love the way we have
> so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid
>marriage, the downtrodden have a clear
> choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes
>for the richest 1 percent of
> Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the
>richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox
> so they can't hurt old people like Roberta
>Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs.
> Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one
>by one, to pay for gas so that
> she can travel to these debates and personify problems
>for me. Also, her poodle has
> arthritis.
>
> Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
>
> Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day,
>hugging people, crying with them,
> relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity
>exists. I want to empower those crying
> people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent,
>whose mother is not Barbara
> Bush.
>
> Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if
>Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid
> to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to
>pronounce his name?
>
> Bush: The current administration had eight years to
>deal with that guy and didn't get it
> done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about
>that guy is have Dick Cheney confer
> with our allies. And then Dick would present me several
>options for dealing with that guy.
> And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You
>know, as governor of Texas, I
> have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day
>about how we're going to deal
> with New Mexico.
>
> Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
>
> Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been
>keenly interested in. I served my
> country in Vietnam.
> I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World
>War I. I myself lost a leg in the
> Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came
>home and tenderly made love
> to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter
> would find romantic.
>
> If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge
>to deal knowledgeably with any
> threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an
>ironclad lockbox. Because the American
> people deserve a president who can comfort them with
>simple metaphors.
>
> Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the
>Social Security system?
>
> Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman
>and I have proposed changing the
> laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to
>every senior citizen without having it
> cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year
>2250. In addition, my budget
> commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to
>guarantee that all senior citizens can have
> drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a
>federal employee who will also
> help them with the child-proof cap.
>
> Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
>
> Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of
>Texas, I have to do math every
> day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether
>I'm going to fill potholes out on
> Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to re-roof the
>sheep barn at the Texas state
> fairgrounds.
>
> Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.
>
> Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting
>politician, but will fight for the
> working families of America, in addition to turning the
>White House into a lusty pit of
> marital love for Tipper and me.
>
> Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the
>past by electing no one but
> Republicans.
>
> Lehrer: Good night.


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