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(Onion) NFL Preview

Discussion in 'Football: NFL, College, High School' started by foo82, Sep 8, 2010.

  1. foo82

    foo82 Member

    Dec 4, 2006
    Likes Received:
    AFC North
    Pittsburgh Steelers

    * Strength: Coach Mike Tomlin's inability to figure out if the Steelers are a running team or a passing team keeps opposing defenses on their toes
    * Weakness: Roethlisberger has lost considerable respect in his own locker room and throughout the league because he was not convicted of a crime
    * Intangibles: Commitment to defense forces opposing teams to respect the Steel Curtain until they realize at halftime that it's overrated and they should probably be exploiting a secondary that is actually pretty terrible
    * Biggest Question: Is this finally the year Dan Rooney dies?

    Cincinnati Bengals

    * Strength: In the past three years, their ability to convince NFL experts the team could make it to the Super Bowl has been staggering
    * Weakness: Terrell Owens wants to prove he can still play at a high level, but he wants to systematically destroy an entire football organization much, much more
    * Intangibles: The combination of T.O. and Ochocinco could make the Bengals so annoying at the receiver position that other teams forfeit to avoid playing them
    * Biggest Question: How good is Carson Palmer's psychiatrist?

    Cleveland Browns

    * Strength: N/A
    * Weakness: Okay, where to begin? Let's see, Jake Delhomme is their starting quarterback. Bobby Engram, their 37-year-old starting wide receiver, caught 5 passes last year. Running back Jamal Lewis was cut in the off-season. Man, this is fun and easy! What else? Okay! They're in a constant state of rebuilding and have no team identity, the future of the franchise is Colt McCoy, and their biggest asset is team president and non-football-player Mike Holmgren
    * Strength: Oh, just thought of one: dog faces
    * Player to Watch: To see Colt McCoy become a starter too early, get extremely flustered, and have a terrible rookie season could be quite delightful
    * Biggest Question: How soon will fans bust out the paper bags?

    Baltimore Ravens

    * Strength: Though it exceeds every level of human comprehension, Joe Flacco continues to improve at quarterback
    * Weakness: On the whole, people get a depressed, nauseous feeling when forced to admit the Ravens are a pretty good football team
    * Player To Watch: Signing free agent receiver Anquan Boldin from Arizona was a good move; however, at $3 trillion a year, the Ravens may have overspent
    * Biggest Question: Can they avoid injuries by politely asking Ray Lewis to stop head butting them?

    AFC South
    Jacksonville Jaguars

    * Strength: With stalwart Aaron Kampman at defensive end, opponents will be forced to throw at the weak secondary or run through the soft middle of their line
    * Weakness: Quarterback controversy between Luke McCown and David Garrard has coaches wondering if they should even have a quarterback at all
    * Player To Watch: Pro Bowl quarterback David Garrard
    * Biggest Question: How totally weird was it that three different AFC quarterbacks had to get injured so David Garrard could make the Pro Bowl?

    Houston Texans

    * Strength: Head coach Gary Kubiak is more than living up to his nickname as "The John Elway's Backup Of Coaching"; if quarterback Matt Schaub continues to improve at the rate he did between 2007 and 2009, he will throw for 6,000 yards and 90 touchdowns this year
    * Weakness: Decision to limit injuries by not allowing players to tackle may hurt the defense; running back Steve Slaton's habit of coughing up the ball may be indicative of serious digestive issues
    * Player To Watch: DE Mario Williams, three-time winner of the Associated Press "Team's Only Good Player" award
    * Intangibles: None, as the Texans continue to be a manifestly corporeal team

    Tennessee Titans

    * Strength: Questions about Vince Young's emotional well-being put to rest by presence of mentally stable backup Kerry Collins
    * Weakness: Jeff Fisher took a big chance by signing three kick returners with phobias of things falling toward them from great heights
    * Intangibles: Running back Chris Johnson must abandon his selfish pursuit of the single-season rushing record and concentrate on piling up yards for his team
    * Biggest Question: The Titans secondary must face Tony Romo, Donovan McNabb, and both Mannings this year; will they be able to keep themselves from attempting to get their autographs during games?

    Indianapolis Colts

    * Strength: Peyton Manning
    * Weakness: Standout back Joseph Addai, dangerous receiver Reggie Wayne, and brilliant defensive end Dwight Freeney are not Peyton Manning
    * Player To Watch: Safety Bob Sanders until he gets injured in week four, then Peyton Manning
    * Biggest Question: Why is this consistently excellent team so unbelievably boring to watch?

    AFC East
    Buffalo Bills

    * Strength: Buffalo is well-known for its friendly locals, its world-famous wings, and its proximity to beautiful Niagara Falls
    * Weakness: Once again pretty much centers around the entire roster
    * Player To Watch: Starting quarterback Trent Edwards. Wait, him again? God, these guys are so ****ed
    * Intangibles: The AFC East is, perhaps, the league's most talented division, making it the most respectable division to finish last in

    New England Patriots

    * Strength: Bill Belichick has avoided stealing any wives recently, so he should be focused on the 2010 season; people are sure to tout the Patriots' experience and maturity as opposed to flat-out calling them old
    * Weakness: Considering the talent of this year's rookie class, it's a shame that Belichick will once more work one of them until he dies
    * Intangibles: Can't discount the possibility of another horrific injury to quarterback Tom Brady; oh, please, Lord, let there be another horrific injury to Tom Brady
    * Biggest Question: This may be the year New England finally falls out of contention, but we know full well these ****s will pull a 12-4 season out of their ass somehow

    Miami Dolphins

    * Strength: With a new big-name free agent and a talented young quarterback, Miami has the potential to disappoint like never before
    * Weakness: A common sleeper pick among analysts; few things spell your demise quite as surely as that
    * Player To Watch: LeBron James should play his first game at tight end roughly halfway through the season
    * Intangibles: Already boasting loads of beautiful women and the NBA's most talented assemblage of players, Miami needs only to win the Super Bowl to really send a ****-you to the rest of the nation

    New York Jets

    * Strength: Rex Ryan is a coach who leads by example, an approach that has helped the Jets build one of the fattest offensive lines in the league
    * Weakness: New Jet Santonio Holmes claimed to have a great weed connect, but after hooking teammates up with total schwag, he has lots of ground to make up
    * Player To Watch: Quarterback Mark Sanchez, specifically his muscular thighs and perfectly sculpted ass
    * Biggest Question: Why exactly is everyone so optimistic about this team in the preseason every single year?

    AFC West
    Denver Broncos

    * Strength: Excellent cornerbacks and safeties will provide sure tackling of running backs who are eluding the defensive front seven and rushing untouched into the secondary
    * Weakness: Keep trading for other teams' ****ty quarterbacks
    * Player To Watch: Brady Quinn should have an interesting year, as he has been vigorously studying the Denver phone book

    * Intangibles: Whole team is going to see Phil Lesh and Bob Weir at Red Rocks after its week-three loss to the Colts

    Oakland Raiders

    * Strength: Just nice to see them outside getting some fresh air
    * Weakness: As a team, every single player on this roster ****ing sucks
    * Player To Watch: Quarterback Jason Campbell is an experienced loser and is not going to mope around and act all depressed when team loses eight or nine straight games
    * Biggest Question: If Tom Cable isn't fired during or after the season, will Al Davis get rid of him by drowning him in the Gatorade container?

    San Diego Chargers

    * Strength: Unmatched at dominating the competition all season long and then dramatically losing in their first playoff game
    * Weakness: Nate Kaeding purposely kicks field goals wide right or left, as he hates football
    * Intangibles: Injuries on both sides of the ball continue to hurt the Chargers as players get stabbed with the points or slam the wide part into their faces
    * Biggest Question: Is this the year Shaun Phillips and Shawne Merriman get a consistent spelling on their first names?

    Kansas City Chiefs

    * Strength: Quarterback Matt Cassel feels satisfied whether receivers catch or drop his passes; easy schedule as team plays seven games in the CFL this season
    * Weakness: Offense continues to struggle when trying to huddle up, with most of the players being overpowered and ending up on the ground
    * Player To Watch: In need of a solid season to become a potential holdout, wide receiver Dwayne Bowe is finally trying a little
    * Biggest Question: Will new offensive coordinator Charlie Weis actually explode after a big lunch?

    NFC North
    Minnesota Vikings

    * Strength: Showing off his youthful exuberance, 40-year-old Brett Favre is still out there running the media around like a little kid; defensive tackles Kevin Williams and Pat Williams look impressive in their ability to stop all forms of justice from being served in their StarCaps trial
    * Weakness: The Vikings have struggled to prepare for opponents ever since Minnesota Child Protective Services seized Brad Childress' entire tape collection
    * Intangibles: Except for Matt, John, and Rick, who are pretty great guys, Vikings fans are pretty much ignorant, petulant bandwagoners
    * Biggest Question: The Vikings still have many unanswered questions in the secondary, such as "What's a cornerback?" and "Who was supposed to cover that guy?"

    Chicago Bears

    * Strength: Running back Matt Forte silenced doubters when he had no problem pushing the offensive line out of his way
    * Weakness: Lovie Smith spending majority of practice having players help him pack up his office
    * Player To Watch: Quarterback Jay Culter displayed his toughness and resilience after getting his thumb stuck in the metal spring clip on his clipboard
    * Biggest Question: Mike Martz has expressed doubts in offensive players' ability to learn the wide variety of fish at Chicago's Shedd Aquarium

    Detroit Lions

    * Strength: Since they play in the NFC North, this team should get two easy wins when facing the lowly Lions
    * Weakness: Despite the prayers of fans, players, and coaches, it doesn't seem plausible that the Ford Field stadium will spontaneously collapse
    * Player To Watch: Rookie defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh has the power to burst through the offensive line, the speed to outrun coaches, and the endurance to hide in the parking lot until his contract ends
    * Biggest Question: Is this talent-rich roster willing to put in extra effort to get cut from the team?

    Green Bay Packers

    * Strength: After giving up 50 sacks in 2009, Green Bay's offensive line appears to have forgiven Aaron Rodgers for whatever he did
    * Weakness: With too many offensive weapons, thoughtful quarterback Aaron Rodgers may struggle with deciding who really deserves the ball the most
    * Player To Watch: Former first-round draft pick Justin Harrell is chasing down quarterbacks better than ever with his new motorized wheelchair
    * Intangibles: Wide range of veterans and young players may make it hard for the team to find common ground on movies and music they like

    NFC South
    Atlanta Falcons

    * Strength: It's been more than a year since Matt Ryan appeared in a Gillette commercial, so the Gillette commercial curse should have run its course; Black is still a very intimidating color
    * Weakness: Have all the makings of a team that stays just competitive enough to keep their fans clinging to hope through a 7-9 season
    * Player To Watch: Everyone respects a player toughing through injury, but it remains to be seen how Michael Turner expects to produce without his surgically removed left foot
    * Biggest Question: Can the Braves' return to relevance in baseball keep people distracted as the Falcons start 0-3?

    Tampa Bay Buccaneers

    * Strength: They play the Rams, so at least one of those teams won't have to lose every game this season
    * Weakness: Looking at this roster, it may not be the best year to play in a stadium where fans have access to several functioning cannons
    * Intangibles: Signing a rookie wide receiver named Mike Williams has done nothing but backfire throughout the entire history of the league
    * Player To Watch: Remember Warrick Dunn? He was a fun player to watch. Seemed like a genuinely nice guy, too

    Carolina Panthers

    * Strength: John Fox is likely coaching for his job, so you can bet this team will bring their best each week
    * Weakness: John Fox is likely coaching for his job, so Sundays will reek of the stench of desperation
    * Biggest Question: Remind us again where this team is from exactly?
    * Intangibles: Regardless of their performance on the field, every member of this team will one day die

    New Orleans Saints

    * Strength: Drew Brees didn't lose his right arm in a logging accident, so that bodes well
    * Weakness: Really showing how shallow they are by hanging a gaudy Super Bowl Champions banner up right in the stadium
    * Intangibles: City loves the team and all, but would gladly sacrifice every Saints win for functional houses and an oil-free Gulf
    * Biggest Question: Can the Saints play well enough to reinvigorate the job outlook and restore industry to a broken and defeated metropolitan area?

    NFC East
    New York Giants

    * Strength: Excellent at believing Eli Manning is a Hall of Fame quarterback; cohesive offensive line understands that blocking begins when ball is snapped
    * Weakness: No one but players able to afford entry into new $1.6 billion stadium
    * Player To Watch: After missing most of the 2009 season with a knee injury, Kenny Phillips has looked pretty good in practice, although nobody remembers who he is or what position he plays
    * Biggest Question: How will the Giants handle a very tough schedule that includes games against the Indianapolis Colts, their division rivals, the 1996 All-Madden team, and the '78 Steelers?

    Dallas Cowboys

    * Strength: Yes, there are positives, but reading them will only make you angry and listing them will only make us angry
    * Weakness: Other than being the most infuriating, knuckle-whitening, I-want-to-throw-a-brick-through-my-television-set-when-I-watch-them team in the league, are a little weak at free safety
    * Intangibles: **** the Dallas Cowboys and every ****ing thing they stand for; special teams
    * Biggest Question: Can they finally get over the hump and get back to the Super Bowl, and do they know how much that would depress the entire U.S. populace?

    Philadelphia Eagles

    * Strength: Though they have lost Donovan McNabb's rocket arm, they have gained a highly accurate short-range subsonic cruise missile of an arm in Kevin Kolb
    * Weakness: With the loss of Brian Westbrook, the Eagles have a major hole at starting knee injury and concussion
    * Player To Watch: Michael Vick's athleticism as he walks up and down the sideline, sits down on a bench, and jumps up whenever he thinks his name is called but realizes the coaches are talking to another Michael, is something to marvel at
    * Biggest Question: When will Philadelphia fans finally use their car-battery catapult?

    Washington Redskins

    * Strength: Acquisition of 33-year-old Donovan McNabb gives them a solid quarterback for maybe four weeks
    * Weakness: Receivers, running backs, offensive line, and defense, but, um, this is the year the Redskins really turn it around
    * Player To Watch: Albert Haynesworth, in that uncomfortable car-accident can't-stop-looking way
    * Biggest Question: By how big a margin will the Redskins beat the Rams, and how many games will that buy Donovan McNabb before fans want him benched?

    NFC West
    Seattle Seahawks

    * Strength: Reports from coach's office indicate Pete Carroll is a complete football genius
    * Weakness: Team is in their 10th year of humoring quarterback and Make-A-Wish cancer patient Matt Hasselbeck
    * Player To Watch: Tackle Russell Okung is injured and may miss the season opener, so watching him will spare you from seeing the Seahawks play
    * Intangibles: Billionaire owner Paul Allen is concentrating less on his team and more on hollowing out the earth so he can live inside it with the dinosaurs there

    San Francisco 49ers

    * Strength: He may not be a Joe Montana, but Alex Smith is proving to be a better QB than Jim Druckenmiller, Gio Carmazzi, or Steve Stenstrom ever were
    * Weakness: Whatever head coach Mike Singletary is thinking at any given moment
    * Player To Watch: Veteran Brian Westbrook is always a threat to explode into a cloud of ligaments and bone
    * Biggest Question: If the 49ers are willing to let Glen Coffee go to follow Christ, what's to stop the entire team from following suit?

    St. Louis Rams

    * Strength: Going into 2010, the Rams are almost perfectly positioned to receive another high draft pick in 2011
    * Weakness: Battle for the quarterback position seems to be heating up, as neither starter A.J. Feely nor first overall draft pick Sam Bradford wants to be blamed for the upcoming 2-14 season
    * Intangibles: Scuttlebutt around the league says the Rams have a pretty good track record when it comes to playing decent music on the locker-room boom box
    * Biggest Question: What sick **** thought it would be a good idea for the Rams to face the defending Super Bowl champion Saints on the road Dec. 12?

    Arizona Cardinals

    * Strength: Superstar Larry Fitzgerald runs crisp routes, gets good separation, and watches helplessly as poorly thrown passes wobble to the turf
    * Weakness: Kurt Warner is getting slower and less accurate because he has retired and is never, ever coming back
    * Player To Watch: None, although team is well-stocked with players to turn away from while cringing because you can't bear to watch
    * Intangibles: Matt Leinart, who may be the least tangible quarterback in the NFL
  2. foo82

    foo82 Member

    Dec 4, 2006
    Likes Received:
  3. htownrox1

    htownrox1 Member

    Nov 9, 2009
    Likes Received:
    Pretty good analysis, although I didn't read the whole thing...
  4. RoxSqaud

    RoxSqaud Member

    Feb 21, 2008
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    I read it 2000 times.....twice.
  5. tmoney1101

    tmoney1101 Contributing Member

    Jul 3, 2009
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    Is this a joke? Dre', Matt, Cushing, Ryans...uh Brown..wait, no.

    GRENDEL Contributing Member

    Nov 21, 2002
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    You did catch this right? http://www.theonion.com
  7. tmoney1101

    tmoney1101 Contributing Member

    Jul 3, 2009
    Likes Received:
    That it's the Onion and they don't know what the **** they're talking about when it comes to sports?
  8. foo82

    foo82 Member

    Dec 4, 2006
    Likes Received:
    Or that they are a parody news site and that everything they say is not to be taken seriously. DId you even read the rest of the teams. At least read the cowboys.
  9. JeopardE

    JeopardE Contributing Member

    Jun 29, 2006
    Likes Received:
    Somebody needs funnybone replacement surgery...
  10. foo82

    foo82 Member

    Dec 4, 2006
    Likes Received:
    He probably gets upset at watching the Colber Report.
  11. CrazyDave

    CrazyDave Contributing Member

    Nov 21, 2002
    Likes Received:
    The hilarious and sad part is that obviously it's parody, yet I think it's all more true than ^^ does.
  12. JeopardE

    JeopardE Contributing Member

    Jun 29, 2006
    Likes Received:
    The bit about Westbrook being a constant threat to explode into a cloud of ligaments and bone ... LOL.
  13. MadMax

    MadMax Contributing Member

    Sep 19, 1999
    Likes Received:
    my favorite part:

    Tampa Bay Buccaneers

    * Player To Watch: Remember Warrick Dunn? He was a fun player to watch. Seemed like a genuinely nice guy, too
  14. Dubious

    Dubious Contributing Member

    Jun 18, 2001
    Likes Received:
    1 person likes this.

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