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Normal in a relationship?

Discussion in 'BBS Hangout' started by BBnP4l, Oct 21, 2003.

  1. Deckard

    Deckard Blade Runner
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    Don't apologize. After hearing that, all I can say is cut your loses and get out of the relationship. (easy for me to say!)

    Eons ago, before I met my wife, I was in a relationship for far longer than I needed to be because I couldn't work up the will to break it off. I knew I needed to. I knew I didn't feel about her the way she felt about me. And I had gotten into the relationship in the first place for the wrong reasons.

    She wanted to get away from her family and, having known her years before, not having anything going on and just being a chump, I let her move in "for just a few weeks until you get settled somewhere". Right. Her idea of settled was being settled with me.

    It was too easy. The sex was great, but we had nothing in common otherwise. Nothing. I finally worked up the energy to call it off (which was unlike me... I was usually more decisive, but I must have been in some weird state of mind for awhile. She did everything to please me, which didn't make ending it any easier) and felt like a tremendous weight was lifted off my back.

    I had several great relationships after that and never looked back. She's been married now for years. Sometimes it's better to go ahead and make the change. Looking back, I'm just sorry it took me so long.
     
  2. cson

    cson Member

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    "Love like you've never been hurt..... and you'll fish for a lifetime."
     
  3. Gutter Snipe

    Gutter Snipe Member

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    hmmm...that's a tough one...oh wait, no it isn't.

    GET OUT!!!!

    There's no point in being with her mrpaige - you just listed all the reasons. Come on, you aren't really compatible and she's jealous? Cut your losses.
     
  4. Falcons Talon

    Falcons Talon Member

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    Mr. Piage...it sounds similar to my first marriage. If I knew that you are going to have through go anything near what I went through, my best advice would be to run...NOW!!! She sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She sounds high maintenance. It sounds like she wants all your attention and time, but is not willing to give you you want.

    I think I might understand what your going through.
     
  5. pradaxpimp

    pradaxpimp Member

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    wait are u my girlfriend?
     
  6. Falcons Talon

    Falcons Talon Member

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    Mr. Piage...it sounds similar to my first marriage. If I knew that you are going to have through go anything near what I went through, my best advice would be to run...NOW!!! She sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She sounds high maintenance. It sounds like she wants all your attention and time, but is not willing to give you you want.

    I think I might understand what your going through.
     
  7. Pole

    Pole Houston Rockets--Tilman Fertitta's latest mess.

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    wow....this chick sounds like a Dallas girl.
     
  8. Rashmon

    Rashmon Member

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    It's already over for your relationship Mr. Paige. Cut and run.
     
  9. ima_drummer2k

    ima_drummer2k Member

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    Or do some work in her backyard, then run...
     
  10. drapg

    drapg Member

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    All women cheat. Once you understand that, your life becomes much less stressful.
     
  11. droxford

    droxford Member

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    As far as trust in a relationship is concerned, I recommend that all men follow these rules closely:
    • Any guy that she has had a previous relationship and/or had sex with, she must have absolutely ZERO contact with that guy. This is an absolute must.
    • She should not regularly spend time with another guy one-one-one. The word regularly is important here (i.e. every Thurs. she goes to a restaurant with him, or something). If she regularly wants the companionship of another man, that's why she has a boyfriend.
    • She should spend almost zero time with other single men. It sends out a poor signal to you and her dedication (or lack of) to your relationship. You can't date AND have a boyfriend (or... at least, you shouldn't). If she wants to be in a relationship with anybody, she needs to realize that that's going to require dedication. Dividing time between a boyfriend and other single guys is NOT dedication and is suspicious.
    • Be very very cautious with your trust in her, and NEVER trust another guy she spends time with. Whenever she intends to spend time with another guy, ask yourself things like "what's his motivation?"..."is he really only interested in her as a friend?"..."Is he a lonely person?"... stuff like that.
    • How you feel and how you act can be two different things. Speak calmly to your girl and let her know how you feel. If she accuses you of being untrusting, respond calmly and affirm with her facts such as "It's not a question of me trusting you. But if some other guy has ulterior motives, it's important for me to be cautious."
    • I suggest that you have a conversation with your girlfriend and explain to her that if she is wanting for your relationship to progress, she must recognize that past boyfriends/lovers are going to hinder that progress. And that doesn't apply to just you, but to any other boyfriend she may have. If you want your relationship to grow strong, you must leave those people behind and move forward.
    The recurring theme here is that being in a relationship means that you don't get to act like a single person - you have to change your behavior. If you want to act like a single person, you shouldn't be in a relationship.

    HOWEVER... don't be over-protective. If an old friend (NOT ex-boyfriend) comes in town to visit, you should have no problem with her visiting him. If a group of co-workers is going out for drinks after work, let her go. Better yet - offer to come along.

    If you ever get married, and your relationship has a stronger commitment to it, you can lighten up a bit on many of these rules, but not when you have a girlfriend.

    -- droxford
     
  12. droxford

    droxford Member

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    EDIT: one-one-one should be "one-on-one"
     
  13. JuanValdez

    JuanValdez Member

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    Why shouldn't you be? I trust my wife, but I'd be a fool to trust some other man around my wife.
     
  14. coma

    coma Member

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    Good post droxford.

    I would like to say that if you speak the above words to her, be prepared for the "Oh, so you don't trust that I can make decisions on my own, and you have to make them for me. Stop trying to be my father! I'm so sick of EVERYONE trying to control my life!!! Die, you controlling b*stard, DIE!!!" speech.

    Oh, and mrpaige.

    Once you ponder all the reasons not to be with her, and you still want to be with her, I'd suggest you have a man to man talk to this ex-boyfriend. Because he apparently doesn't know the code between men, or if he does, he thinks you have no balls. I mean come on, if I used to bang some girl, and now she is with someone else, yet I can summon her whenever I want, I'd be sending the msg to her current boyfriend, that he has no balls. Although your girl is at fault, that guy shouldn't be playing like that. He deserves to get his face kicked in.
     
  15. pippendagimp

    pippendagimp Member

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    Drop this baggage and move on. This chick is just bad news for you all the way around. Always keep close to your heart the sagacious words of one Tony Montana...."In this country, first you make the money, then you get the power - then you get the girl". You need to go make these movies and get paid.....then the right chick for you will come along just like magic :)
     
  16. Isabel

    Isabel Member

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    I don't think I could live in a relationship with droxford's rules. Are you comfortable with the shoe being on the other foot? What if you reversed all those rules to pertain to yourself and other women? What if you aren't even doing anything with those other women?

    It's my opinion that people can have friends of both genders, and that you can have a good mental/emotional friendship without getting into a physical relationship (at least if the other person is OK with that). This is probably especially important if you're married, since your significant other is probably not going to be everything you need, all in one package. You can save the serious romance, and all of the physical activity, for that person, but I think it would be easier if you were still able to hang out with other guys/girls without everyone coming to the wrong conclusions. At least that way you wouldn't feel like you were cut off from the world.

    And if you're just dating or boyfriend/girlfriend... well, legally that person is free. They're more free than they will ever be again (after they get married). They may need time to decide what's right for them. Hopefully they will want to spend more time with you as the relationship progresses, and other people will become less important.

    But these are just ideals... in real life, people panic at the thought of their significant other drifting away from them, or what they might be doing. I would think having an honest relationship would help. (that way, it would be very hard to go have an affair and then lie to your partner's face about it, every day) If my husband was spending time with other women (never happened, so I can only imagine), I think I'd just try to make sure I was "competitive" with them. Make sure I was meeting his needs. A person of good character won't truly want to look outside of his/her own relationship if that relationship is already in good shape.
     
  17. Rocketman95

    Rocketman95 Hangout Boy

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    Outstanding post, Isabel.
     
  18. B-Bob

    B-Bob "94-year-old self-described dreamer"
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    Cudos to Isabel, and condolence to mrpaige. I agree with the chorus here: get out!
     
  19. F.D. Khan

    F.D. Khan Member

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    Respect is a two way street. She should respect you and not even try to have any but extremely minimal contact with an individual that she had previous relations with.


    If she doesn't respect you, then how can she love you?
     
  20. VesceySux

    VesceySux World Champion Lurker
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    Isabel, I guess you've never seen When Harry Met Sally.


    Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
    Sally Albright: Why not?
    Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
    Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
    Harry Burns: No you don't.
    Sally Albright: Yes I do.
    Harry Burns: No you don't.
    Sally Albright: Yes I do.
    Harry Burns: You only think you do.
    Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
    Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
    Sally: They do not!
    Harry: Do to.
    Sally: They do not.
    Harry: Do to.
    Sally: How do you know?
    Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
    Sally: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
    Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
    Sally: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
    Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
    Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
    Harry: I guess not.
    Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

    :)
     

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