I am who she is speaking of. Everything she says is true. Most of what you guys say is true. If it seems that I am making decision to keep my ex happy, it's because I am. If I can get more time with my son by bending over backwards, I will do it...only for my son. I have no pride left, so I don't care what people think of me, whether it be a wimp or a guy with no ballz. The bottom line is this. As long is she is happy, I can ask for time w/ my son beyond the time in the decree. I feel terrible that those decisions have to affect "Tara", and I have told her that I won't hurt her like that anymore. My situation is the source of the problem, and the only way to remove the problem is to remove the source. It was not a power play, and I am not seeking any type of upper hand. We have had this discussion/argument before, and I can't go through this every time this situation arises. It is too much stress on everyone involved, including the boys. I am still together with Tara, but I am drained.
Tara, One thing I can vouch for with Falcons is that he has on many occasions shared his grief over his lack of ability to spend ample amounts of time with his child because of his ex-wife. From your original perspective I was cautious, but after finding out it was him, I think he is just trying to be as courteous and nice to her as possible to spend more time with his child, and I truly commend him for that. Someone that shows so much devotion to their child is a loyal and honorable person that if the circumstances presents itself, can be the same to you and your child.
FT, you are a big guy to admit that your handling of this situation may not be popular to all parties involved. Some of these guys on here are too young to offer perspective. I for one, find these conversations interesting with respect to the human element. I have never been in this situation and cannot offer solace, but I know that if you handle your childs spiritual self with this type of regard always, they will profit from it eternally. Good luck guys!
Yeah, I'm feeling preTTy drained too. I was recently told/reminded by a close friend of mine that Falcon is a lucky man to have a woman like me. This friend helped me gain my confidence back, and I've decided not to allow anyone or anything bring me down again. I can compromise and accept certain things, but I deserve fair and respectful treatment... and I expect nothing less. If Falcon is insinuating that "not hurting me anymore" is only possible by leaving...well, I won't argue that anymore...Like I said...I'm drained too. He needs to decide whether this relationship is worth saving. He himself has told me that our relationship would be perfect if it weren't for his ex's demands and unfair decree hanging over his head. She certainly has her foot on his neck. It would be a sad sad thing if he allows his ex to keep him from having a life of his own. I've already promised to do my part in this...now he has to make a decision.
With all due respect to both of you, may I suggest that the best way to approach this particular problem is NOT to bring it onto a public BBS. I understand that Tara was seeking advice and all, but this is NOT an issue that anyone here should be dealing with, helping on or really even discussing, particulalry considering the well-being of the children involved. I know it may not seem like you are shouting it in Times Square or going on Jenny Jones, but this is a public place that will leave a PERMANENT public record of this incident for anyone and everyone to see. I seriously doubt anything positive can come from airing dirty laundry this way. I wish the best for both of you, but I also urge you to seek counseling on this issue - religious or otherwise - and, most importantly, be open and honest without the aid of the virtual world. Discussing it here will almost certainly worsen the situation and I don't think anyone wants to see that.
I was about to tackle this issue, and after reading and rereading the post a few times, I would have to agree with Jeff. This is just too big an issue with many different layers to be resolved easily. There is no clear-cut answer or advice that will solve this rift. A profesional mediator would be best, face to face with both of you involved.
Jeff, You are probably right to some degree but...Falcon and his ex went for "professional" help in their marriage(that obviously didn't help them). We don't know any of you personally(you don't even know our names). I came on here to find out whether my feelings were even justified because I was doubting myself along with how I should feel. This board has helped me realize that I really do have legitimate reason for the hurt I felt. I also realize that this is a difficult issue for anyone to give advice on. I was simply searching for others with similar experiences and how they handled it. I guess our situation is quite unique to say the least. I don't feel like we were "airing dirty laundry". We really have nothing to be ashamed of. We both love our children and want the best for them. We just have to figure out what "the best" is. Thank you all for your input.
Actually, common law marriage has little to do with the fact that a man and woman lived together for a certain period of time nowadays. It has much more to do with how you represent yourselves to the public eye (ie joint checking accounts, insurance policies, credit cards, etc.). I have a great friend that is a Family Law attorney here in Dallas, and he has told me many many times, you can live together for years with little risk of being considered common law, providing you have no joint accounts, purchases, insurance, etc. ANYWAY, sorry to derail the thread for a bit.
Wow, Falcon, If you love Tara you should treat her with respect. The day was not just for your son but her kid too, and you should respect this. I understand that you want to spend time with your kid, but what are you teaching him by disrespecting a woman you love? Be a stand up guy, your ex may be vindictive, but the court has granted you visitation. It sounds like you are worried about the EXTRA visitation that you are allowed, well, your Ex will probably not want to take that away too, as it gives her a break from the day to day raising of a child. The comment about "Salvageable" was simply wrong, IMHO. You should love your children but doing so at the sacrifice of your marriage is a very bad idea. Again, this is all my opinion, and if it is taken out of context, then ignore it. Just treat each other with respect and love. DaDakota
Falcon, Let me tell you, I have gone through an almost identical situation with a similarly vindictive ex (my daughter's mother) and I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, and a lot of what Tara is saying too, having gone through it with an ex fiance. Please, feel free to email me if you wish. I actually sought legal and professional help for the situation, and may have some good facts to share. Up to you and your comfort level of course.
Glad this worked out. . . and Glad I was wrong about various things I have had various issues with the Ex over my son. I dislike POWER GAMES so i refuse to play them. I can keep the strick letter of our agreements but not unlike Falcon . . .I want to see my son more. I have had opportunity to help more than I was committed to . . and as long as it did not have a significant impact on me and those i cherish . . i did it . . no questions asked. When threats, etc coming into . . I simple said . . Do what ya will. . . .and let it go . .. what will happen will happen. ROcket River
DD, I do respect that this day was for both of our children. I went to the altar with my son and his mother, and I went up to the altar with Tara and her son. The ex made it clear that she didn't want Tara to be involved in the baptismal ceremony of my son. If I fought her on this, I would have lost the day of Baptism since it was not my day to begin with. We did have all of our families over for a celebration at a nice Mexican restaurant afterwards...just my extended family and her extended family. I'm not quite sure what you meant by disrespecting Tara, but we do our best not to let our children observe our disagreements. I hope you don't think that I would do ANYTHING that my ex wants me to do...I am a rational adult, and I wouldn't leave Tara because the ex told me to. Yes, the court has granted me time to spend with my son. Right now, Iget to see my son every other day. In 7 months, unless we can work out something different, I must become an every other weekend Daddy. The only way for the ex and I to work something out is to be on speaking terms. As far as my ex enjoying the extra time I get with my son, I know for a fact that she would stick him in a daycare so that she could have that extra time...even if I was available to watch him (which I always am). She's done it before, having a live-in watch him while she goes to college, while I have the time free and am available. This, of course, when we weren't really on talking terms. Now that we are amicable towards each other, he is allowed to spend nights with me, I have gotten for time on days when I wasn't scheduled, and I know much more about the things that he is involved in. The not salvageable comment was harsh, I know. I won't try to excuse it, explain it, or justify it. I will say that I was wrong. Apparently this relationship is salvageable. We both are working harder to treat each other with respect. We both understand each other's feelings and situations a little bit better now. Hoop-T, I may just take you up on that...Thanks. Rocket, At this point in time, I can work with the divorce to the letter...my biggest concern is when he turns 3 and I have to become an every other weekend Dad. I don't know if I or he can handle that and I'm trying to do what I can to not let that happen. I wish I could call her bluff, but: 1. The ex doesn't bluff. and 2. If she is bluffing, I'm gambling with my son's time with me and my family. The stakes are just a little too high for me. I will err on the side of safety. For all that offered advice and concern, Thank you. We had a good talk today and straightened out some misunderstandings. We're giving it another try with the knowledge and experience of how to handle these new situations that we encountered. Oh, and A-train... Stay away from my Tara!!!
FT, I think that where we are in our lives is based on a culmination of past decisions. Am I trying to make a point or judge your actions? Not at all. I'm just sharing that I personally find solace when in an uncomfortable situation knowing that I have the opportunity to learn lessons that nature and God have especially designed for me . One does have to be aware of the opportunity; the lesson doesn't usually just 'come' to you. Also, be prepared that the lesson may not remedy the situation, but just make you wiser. I hope that little bit of advice helps you find some solace also; you're in a tough spot, but shared by many in this country. I cannot imagine some one trying to use my child to manipulate me. I don't use the term loosely, but I consider that evil. God meant for you two souls to have a special bond for eternity, it is heinous that a person, even another parent, interfere. Jeff, You caution is warranted, but it is still ok for people to seek advice here, don't you think? There are some pretty savvy and experienced folks here. If some one here did happen to help FT and Tara, wouldn't that be a worthwhile tradeoff?
I know that God does not put you in any situation without giving you the means to deal with it. I also know that whenever a decision has to be made, you, and you alone, are responsible for that decision. You always have a choice. Sometimes it's a no win situation, but you still choose your course. Whatever you choose, God will help see you through it. You just have to be able to accept how He guides you.
Okay, it's great to know that I can have female roommates for years and not have to worry about common law marriage. The only joint thing we have is a fitness membership, so I should be safe. No plan on EVER having a joint bank account with a female, married or not. B
