My 4 year old was punched in the head by an autistic 13 year old - a discussion...

Having seen what mothers who have autistic children have to go through, I'd say just have some sympathy and let it go. Trust me, they're probably going through more hell than your kid did for that moment. Yeah, it sucks what happened to your kid, but it also sucks that they have the burden they have for a lifetime. As long as your kid is ok, let it go. Your initial response is understandable, but at some point, you've got to understand this wasn't a "typical" situation.

 

I don't blame you, I'd be furious in the moment, and probably still burning now.

And if this child was hitting kids every week, I would also think his parents' are absolutely irresponsible.

But I think it's unrealistic to expect that from now until the end of the time his parents will always be there to stop their autistic son from every mistake which seems to be your point. Maybe you got really unlucky and this is one of the very few times he's been able to strike someone unabated.

From their reaction (and believe me, I've seen parents be incredible aloof if not encouraging of terrible behavior) I would err on the side of caution and choose to believe they are sincerely sorry and trying.

My son has no issues and we are extremely proactive in how we raise him, but I'm absolutely positive there will be one, if not a handful of times down the road where I will have to apologize on his behalf for doing something stupid. We're human after all.

 

somewhere in facebook land, there is a post about how some really rude guy yelled at an autistic kid who was just trying to play with another boy.

sorry couldn't resist.

eh, i think you handled it as well as anyone could have. we all say things in the heat of the moment especially when our kids are involved, so I aint gonna get on you for that. seems like they felt a mixture of embarassment and frustration in there as well.

 

I'm not really following what you're more upset with, the action that happened or the lukewarm apology after.

I do know no matter how much you try to watch them things are going to happen with kids no matter how well they're being watched and the other parties involved may or may not care. Am glad to hear your son sounds largely unhurt, best to use it as a learning experience on being the bigger person and move on.

 

i would not feel bad about the way you reacted or spoke to her. and i wouldnt worry about it going forward. nothing you can do at this point anyway.

i know he is autistic, but a 13 year old hitting a 4 year old IS dangerous and if he is going around doing that than maybe he should not be in crowded places or if so, have tighter parental control. this is probably not the first time this has happened. and im not saying you have to lock the kid away, but maybe keep him out of busy lines with lots of people, lights, slamming cash registers and printers and other noisy stuff.

its a sh**y situation all-around and there is not really any recourse. what are you going to do...press charges against the kid? fight the parents? make them give you $50? of course, everyone can sympathize with the parents, but its not fair to the rest of us to have someone that can randomly attack people half his size running around.

 

With all due respect, this comment suggests that you have almost no experience dealing with a special needs child in your life at any point.

You likely have no idea how difficult it is for the family involved. Not defending the kid punching your kid. But at the same time it sounds like the mom was sincerely sorry.

The responsibility of having 4 kids and pets is not even remotely comparable to the mental, physical, and emotional stress of having a child with special needs.

 

QUESTION to the GROUP: Does the severity of the situation change your position?

If the punch had broken your kids arm? Would you reaction be similarly mild (as long as they paid for the treatment . . . or I guess you could sue)

I don't know what I would have done . . . I don't know enough about Autism to say much on it.
I was of the mind that an Autistic child can learn . . . . Learn Consequences
I wonder if everyone has such a mild response. . . if that does not teach him that there are no consequences to randomly hitting people

Rocket River

 

I actually understood your reaction until I kept reading you bringing up this terrible comparison over and over again. You have no idea at all what you are talking about and you are making yourself look really bad.

There is absolutely no comparison at all to a pet or normal child with a child with a mental disability. None whatsoever. You need to accept that.

Nothing is easy with a special needs child. Those trivial things you're taking for granted are very hard.

You take offense to the comment that it's hard to care for an autistic child 24 hours a day? What are you even talking about??

It is more difficult than you could imagine. If you had any experience with this at all, you wouldn't hint at that whatsoever. Stop with the ALL children thing. It's nothing like that at all. Your children understand the things you say to them. An autistic child often times does not. Your children do basic things that you don't even think twice about like eat and sleep (relatively) normally. An autistic child often time doesn't even do those things without a struggle. As an example, parents with autistic children have such a huge problem feeding their child as they have various sensory input issues that lead to them not eating most things.

If you can't comprehend that, you need some introspection.

Again, the mother seemed genuinely sorry. The fact that she was crying and you're questioning why (even going as far to say possibly only for herself) is a bit pathetic. The grandmother may have made some stupid comments, and you have every right to be mad at her for that. The kid isn't the grandmother's child and the mother seemed to have been more than sorry. You should relax and think about that.

If you honestly have real intentions of learning from the situation go volunteer (even if just for a couple of hours for one day only) at an autism support group. If you can't do that, since you also seem to have a lot on your plate, I suggest reading one of the various online support forums for mothers with autistic children. It might give you some sorely needed perspective.

Again, I don't think you were wrong for being angry in that situation. Anyone would have. But you seem to have no understanding of what autism actually means, leading you to make daft comparisons meanwhile thinking you actually understand somewhat. You don't.

I mean all this in the kindest way possible, so I apologize for the parts of that which seemed harsh. And I meant no disrespect to your life story or whatever you have dealt with. But just for this particular case, you are severely downplaying the reality of dealing with a mentally disabled child (that's what I meant by special needs). This is my last post on this topic. Hope your anger cools down.

 

Maybe this wasn't the intent, but I guess my main thing here is that I think it's healthier to try and avoid assigning blame in this case. It sounds like the older kid was severely autistic. Those kids seriously operate with a different operating system than other folks.

Blaming the parents in this case rings false, too. It's like when people (mostly people who have never had children) blame parents whose babies cry on airplanes, as if they had any control over that situation, and weren't themselves mortified that it is happening.

To me, this is almost into the territory of the kid that was attacked by the gator at Disneyworld, and it's unfair to think that everything like this can be prevented, even in modern, polite society. Some things are just tragedies, even on the small scale like this. We don't need to assign blame, we just have to accept the consequences and try to learn from them.

I'm a father of two kids. It does upset me that an innocent 4 year old was attacked. But it also breaks my heart that the mother of the autistic boy has to live with that uncertainty and burden every day of the rest of her son's life.

I have close friends with special needs kids, and it can be very hard on them.

 

You are oblivious.

 

Having a child with disability does not mean your child can harm another child.

Fortunately it does not sound like a serious injury.

IMO, the lady would have apologized had she been a person without personal issues, not just relating to her child.

My suggestion based on what you told us is to let this case be a reminder of gratitude. Move on and enjoy your fulfilling life.

 

I think we all have every right to expect that a parent with a special needs child would do whatever they could to control their environment in such a way that it doesn't harm someone else's child. Considering the mom's reaction and insincere apology, it's safe to say it's not the first time her child has done that to someone else and as such she should know better than to put her own son in a situation like that. Double bad move on the mom's part. You should be angry but in the end just as thankful your children are safe and maybe a lesson learned.

 

One day that kid is going to hit someone who's family isn't so forgiving about it...I'm sure after that day he'll have serious reservations about ever hitting someone again. It's just a matter of time if the mom is going to let him out in public and not watch him closer. The fact that the 13 year old hit a MUCH smaller child is troubling...autistic or not, he targeted a helpless child with violence. Apparently that's acceptable to some around here and something JayZ just needs to get over because the mom has it rough...gotcha...

 

You obviously don't understand autism. That boy didn't think to himself, "I am going to go over there and hit that much smaller child!" And if an adult hit him he wouldn't then think to himself, "gee I shouldn't hit anymore because there will be consequences". Their brains don't work like that. There can be random triggers that cause actions they aren't even fully aware of. Sometimes even if aware they cannot stop themselves. Sometimes their brains are ahead of their actions, sometimes behind. Sometimes colors or smells or other environmental factors are so strong their controlling brain basically shuts off.

I love autistic kids, by the way, so this isn't meant to sound negative.

 

As usual, wise words from Deckard.

I agree entirely. Hard to deal with a situation like that in the moment. I don't think you were over the top at all, even if you do regret some of the words you might have used. Hard to blame you in that situation. Way more tempered than most people would have been, honestly.

 

Are autistic children prone to violence, in general?