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miserable without my ex... what should I do?

Discussion in 'BBS Hangout' started by rm365, May 2, 2010.

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  1. rm365

    rm365 Contributing Member

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    So my ex and I broke up over a year ago. She wanted to get married, I wasn't ready yet. This was mostly because my parents were against it and my ex had jealousy issues with my mother. I am a momma's boy - my mom raised me by herself and I am her only child. At the time, I couldn't have that. I wanted my ex to enjoy going to my mother's place and everyone having a good time having dinner together. My ex wasn't into that. She wanted to know that she was my #1 as she would say.

    Anyway, long story short, we broke up last April after a drawn out marriage ultimatum and me not being ready yet to fight for the woman I loved.

    She came back to me last November because I emailed her suggesting that I saw things her way now. That a man is supposed to put his wife first and that it was up to him to partition time between his wife and his mother. I was finally ready to have kids with her and ready to make her my #1.

    She again wanted to get married but in February, I wasn't completely ready. My mother was still against it. I didn't appreciate how my ex wasn't there to support me when my dad died.

    I did love her, though. She kept wanting to talk about us and where we were going. Finally, one night over the phone, I told her that I loved her but I wasn't ready. I told her I didn't want to hold her if she didn't want to stay. I told her that I would come back and propose to her when I was ready and if she was available. She broke down crying and was really upset. She told me that she didn't want to hear from me for a long time.

    Then she left. I reflected for a few weeks and realized that she was the one for me. She was everything I ever wanted. Now I'm in a world of hurt and I can barely function in my daily life. I don't want anyone else but she hasn't answered any of my phone calls and now won't respond to my text messages. Its been over 2 months.


    What should I do?
     
  2. moestavern19

    moestavern19 Member

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    Get out of the nest and nut up.

    If she makes you happy, be with her.


    Conforming to other people's standards is a great way to live an unfulfilled life.
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. clos4life

    clos4life Contributing Member

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    One of 2 things.

    1)Call her and tell her you are ready to get married right now or the day of her choice with no more delays

    2) let her go.

    Basically, you can't have your cake and eat it too. She wants marriage, you told her to bounce not once, but twice because you "weren't ready". How is she supposed to take it? Either you are ready to marry her or you are not. If she is the one then you will, if she isn't then don't keep pulling her strings man. If you really love her and she truly is a worthy woman then your mother is going to have to accept her (or not and you'll have to live with that too).

    Be a man, be decisive. Stand by your choices. Stop yanking her around.

    Those are my 0.02 cents on the situation.
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. spydermex

    spydermex Member

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    go find her and propose, your mom, if she really loves will still be there.
     
  5. krnxsnoopy

    krnxsnoopy Contributing Member

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    Wow... seems like your mother doesn't want to let his little boy free either.

    Both your SO and your mother have jealousy issues. That totally sucks for you. Who cares who's number one as long as you love them both?
     
  6. TopsDrop

    TopsDrop Member

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    Keep your head up bro.

    Things get worse before they get better.
     
  7. rm365

    rm365 Contributing Member

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    I told her via text message (cuz she won't pick up my calls) that I was ready to propose to her. That I had reflected and that I really love her.

    She told me that she doesn't want to marry me anymore. She said over and over that its too late, that it wasn't meant to be.

    It feels like its over but is there anything I can do? Is there a hail mary shot that I can make?

    I messed up bad by being complacent and letting my parents influence my decisions but is it really too late?

    By the way, thanks for the replies.

    Here is a hot chick to oogle at as your reward. Unfortunately she reminds me of my ex a little :(

    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_XeqPwsH2SPo/SHMNBZ04MfI/AAAAAAAAAFQ/a5UxTXqptxk/s400/chanta_patton.jpg
     
  8. dandorotik

    dandorotik Contributing Member

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    I understand you're upset, believe me, been there before, but just a few things:

    1. If you can barely function in your daily life, plus with the momma's boy thing, you have some serious self-esteem issues and you should consider seeking psychological help.

    2. You brought some of this on yourself. She was ready to be married twice, you weren't (which is basically like telling the women, 'I don't love you enough,' at least that's how she probably sees it), you put your mom before her, which is a definite "no" (unless she was being outright rude to your mom), and so I would expect that she has some serious reservations now about marrying you, sort of like the shoe's on the other foot now.

    3. This may sound mean, but it sounds to me like you have the "don't know what you got till it's gone.....till it comes back then you eventually won't want what you got" syndrome. I think she thinks that if she comes back to you, you'll probably do the same thing that you did before. And I don't blame her for wanting to keep her distance from you- after the 3rd time of you pushing this thing back, she's just had enough of it. I mean, really, you tell her you want to have kids with her but that you're not ready to marry her....what's up with that?!? That's a hell of a confusing message.

    4. I don't know, I would say that the best thing to do is call/email her and say "I realize that you are the one....and I want to marry you..." but, to be honest, she's probably going to think you're BSing her or that you'll go right back to freezing on the commitment thing. You have probably one last shot, so make good on your promise and try one last time. But if you back off one more time, you might as well forget it, it's probably done.

    Of course, you haven't mentioned how old you are and other factors, which might negate some of the things I mentioned above, but barring that, I'd say that this one may be tough to fix. You may have to wait awhile before she comes around- and you have to be sure that you're not doing this because you're afraid of being alone as opposed to really, really wanting her- it's real easy to deceive ourselves and say, "Oh, she's the one!!!!" when the truth is that we're petrified of being without someone. You have to dig down deep in your soul and try to determine if you really feel for her that way or if you're telling yourself one of the "Big Lies."

    Good luck!!
     
    #8 dandorotik, May 2, 2010
    Last edited: May 2, 2010
  9. rocketdancer9

    rocketdancer9 Member

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    If she is the one and you truly don't think you could hurt more than you do now then propose, however she may say no... if you think you'll feel worse if she says no then wait a little while and see if she comes around. And I definitely second the comment above about your mom will love you regardless of what you do... my ex let his mom tell him what to do and I'm fairly certain he lost his job because of it, he is 28 years old and I believe there is a certain age when mommy doesn't always know best anymore.
     
  10. clos4life

    clos4life Contributing Member

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    There is a fine line here you will have to walk between wooing her again because things are not going back to how they were. Problem will be knowing what's wooing and if it becomes stalking. If it ever becomes stalking you better be ready to quit altogether and take this as a life lesson.

    Be ready to approach this like a completely new relationship, don't even think about trying to force the issue.

    Good luck.
     
  11. thadeus

    thadeus Contributing Member

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    ask her if she knows the thadeus.

    also ask your ex.
     
  12. TheGreat

    TheGreat Member

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    As your favorite player used to say,

    You NEED to impose your will ON THE GAME
     
  13. rm365

    rm365 Contributing Member

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    I can barely function because I reflected and came back to her in March wanting to get married. Its been a rollercoaster emotionally.
    I was ready to get married and I thought she would be happy but she was gone and I was dead to her.

    You are right though. I did bring this on myself. I should have realized what to do in this situation and married her.

    I really don't think that I am worried about being alone. I don't think that is the reason I am so upset. Its just that I finally came to the realization that she was the one and I was finally ready to marry this girl but it was too late. This kills me.

    No BSing but I do have a couple of other pretty girls that are interested in me but it wouldn't be the same. My ex and I had a bond. Our convos were so deep. She was so thoughtful.

    I do realize that she probably thinks I am full of crap. How can I make her see otherwise is my question. I would definitely marry her if she came back.
     
  14. rm365

    rm365 Contributing Member

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    She won't even pick up my phone calls anymore. I can't propose to her. I can't find her.
     
  15. rocketdancer9

    rocketdancer9 Member

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    Actions speak louder than words, and text messages are bull****... anyone can text anything, and say anything for that matter. If you have a bond then you'll know what you have to do to get her back... you have the upper hand over any other guy cause you know her better than anyone else does. Get a pen and paper and make a list of all of her favorite things, if at the end of the day you've done every single thing you know she likes and she's still not come around then she isn't the person you fell in love with to begin with and you should move on.
     
  16. Lynus302

    Lynus302 Contributing Member

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    So....your mother has jealousy issues and you want to add ANOTHER jealous woman to your life? And you're blaming yourself because you weren't ready for marriage and you stuck to your guns and admitted it?

    Sounds to me that you're too insecure with yourself....you can't be without a woman who couldn't even support you when your own father died.

    I'm wondering why your folks were against it in the first place. Maybe because they saw your insecurity and were concerned that you were wanting to add another jealous woman into your life....one who couldn't be supportive to you in something as serious as losing your father.

    You need to do some serious thinking about YOU, imho.
     
  17. rm365

    rm365 Contributing Member

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    I've written her 6 hand written letters in the mail so far. I've tried to make them thoughtful but not desperate. She thinks I am desperate right now and that is why I am trying to get her back. I'm not though, I really love her.

    I agree that text messages are for scrubs. It was the only way she would respond to me, however, until last week. Now she doesn't even respond to texts.
     
  18. rocketdancer9

    rocketdancer9 Member

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    Don't stalk... but no more written correspondence, clearly that is not working. You need to convince her that you're happy with yourself and can be happy with or without her... but life would be a trillion times better with her around... I don't know her so that's the best I got.
     
  19. Realjad

    Realjad Contributing Member

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    Are you serious, listen brother.

    This is your time to man up, get your mind together, get your confidence together, let your ego free. Get in your vehicle, go find your girl and let her know that she is your future wife, no ifs or buts about it. No girl wants someone that's going to be questioning everything, but someone that 'knows'. Go sweep her off her feet, tell her every relationship is going to have problems and yours and hers is no different. Tell her you know you want to be by her side, taking on every challenge the world has to throw at you all together. Tell her she has her man right here, marry me, im the one because you will never find anyone else willing to walk through fire and brimstone or any other obstacle to be their supporting you through whatever tries to put you down in your future. So much history, so much time spent, so much crying and pain and putting up with b/s, tell her you both have gone through so much that it's time to see the rewards because this relationship has grown up. Tell her to marry you, this is the time and the only thing your rocky history can teach you all is that your ready for marriage because you can overcome anything together. This is right.

    Tell her all this and let her choose, tell her to make the right choice and whatever she chooses you will respect.
     
    1 person likes this.
  20. rm365

    rm365 Contributing Member

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    Its complicated.
    She didn't support me because she felt I really hurt her. Thinking back, I guess I did. I proposed to her a year ago but after she took the ring, she could tell I was unhappy and so she gave it back and broke down crying. She said that no girl should have to go thru that experience. That wasn't what girls want when they think of being proposed to one day.

    Its true she didn't support me when my dad died. However, she was my ex at the time and we weren't on the greatest terms because of what I just wrote. I shouldn't have tried to reach out for her support.

    I do have some insecurities. Right now, I'm insecure about the fact that I won't ever meet someone as charming and funny and beautiful and ambitious as my ex.

    My mom didn't like her because she felt my ex was too curvy and her boobs were too big. Some superficial crap, but also because I told my mom about my ex's jealousy issues. Now that I think about it however, a lot of girls have that unless they grew up in a different culture.
     

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