Marriage

It still exist?? If it doesn't work out you can always blame it on your parents.

 

Are people really suppose to go into marriage with the expectation that they'll go through regular 6 month dry spells?

I think going into marriage with the expectation that you'll eventually be able to let yourself go and withhold sex and still expect your spouse to be happy and fulfilled and still lend the same emotional support - THAT is not a proper expectation either. Yet many, many people are in that boat. And many get divorced because of it.

 

Marriage won't work if either person is 'withholding' anything to try and get their way (if that is the scenario you're talking about). I can put up with that for a day and I probably do the same thing once in a while, but that sort of behavior has to be overcome quickly through communication and conflict resolution.

 

it's one thing if you never had great sex, but like all things in marriage, there is a lot of work involved to keep things exciting in the sack. the most important aspect of a marriage is that you know that your spouse has your back. she/he should be the first person you would go to war with, to die with, to die for.

 

It's because men are in high demand. While women are becoming more educated and financially independent, men as a whole are becoming less driven and underrepresented on college campuses, and more men in late 20's/early 30's are living with their parents. This means that many, many women are competing for a smaller number of men. This makes men highly sought-after, and they can be very choosy about a potential mate. If they settle for someone less attractive then themselves, some may have a wandering eye and wonder if there's anyone else out there they could be with. When you marry up (or feel as though you've married up) you are, indeed, much happier in your long term relationship. because none of those other options seem quite as grand as the one you have at home.

This is all based on months of reading relationship forums, people. It's a science.

 

I myself do not believe in marriage or love for that matter, well at least not that true love mess.

I think marriage is an institution that worked back when roles were defined, when women stayed home and took care of the kids and cleaned the house and stayed in the kitchen and men supported the family. lol i really dont mean that sound funny or sexist what i mean is that theres love and appreciation and a greater desire to work through problems in that version of society bc a man and woman are dependant on each other. I think in this version of society where women and men are equal and there are no defined roles, it gets too confusing to function right. People will get bored and jump ship or dock in another port one night at least, easier to take your other for granted bc of the independance of both parties.

Id just find someone who can make you happy and appreciate every moment you have before it all comes crashing down

Love and marriage are like pen and paper in the digital age.

This is coming from someone who is a romantic.

 

Not really the scenario. I'm talking like, long term, wife pops out a couple kids so she doesn't feel attractive anymore, husband tries to be supportive but can't help her out of her emotional rut, she convinces herself he's not attracted to her anymore (he may not be, but he would never tell her). This can go on for years. I hate to make it sound like it's a super prevalent scenario...I just know two couples (married 11.5 and 19 years) who are divorcing because of that exact reason. Perhaps it is due to a lack of communication. Decades-long postpartum is a b****, though.

 

From what I can remember of the study, the women were able to be happy even though they somewhat settled. Men on the other hand feel the need to think that the woman was the best they can get.

 

Not married, but I'd imagine it's like a good basketball team. Chemistry, teamwork, blood, sweat, tears, anticipation, preparation, proper hydration, hot streaks, cold streaks, highlights, long nights, injuries, surprises, devotion to something bigger than yourself, creating open opportunities, knowing when to pass, when to take the shot, learning to win, learning to lose, blah, blah, blah.

Reading Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates really spoke to me about the fears of it all. Having parents married over 30 years gives me another perspective.

Like a team and the pieces that make it up, it comes down to identity. Who or what you're trying to become and that speaks to a bigger question. We or me, I guess.

But from my observation it seems like money and kids seem to be the biggest factors in the marriages I've seen go astray around me. They seem to lead to the small fissures that become huge foundational issues.

 

I do not take any offense to your question. It is a very good question and I will try to provide you with as much insight as I can.

I'm a risk-taker, always have been. When I see a chance at something good I go all-in and damn the consequences. To me it is the only way to live. Sometimes it will blow up in my face and KingCheetahs will rub it in my face and call me a failure, but that is what life is for, to not give a **** about what KingCheetahs say.

Understand that some things I will not elaborate on because that would come off as crass and jaded toward a certain member of this forum who is participating in this thread. I mean no ill will toward that particular person, I have been at peace with that decision for quite some time and the ill feelings are far removed.

First - I pulled no punches during the dating process. I showed her the ****ed up side of me almost right away. No BS. I said what I felt even if it was offensive, brutal honesty. I said **** pretending to be something I'm not, this is what I am... Don't like it? Theres the front door. Nothing to lose.

Second - I thought I was "in love" the first time but I realize now that it was mostly an infatuation that validated my ego. "Love" isn't really that tingly feeling in your pants, we were just kids. Its more about caring enough about someone to want to stay by them through the thick and thin.

I did hold strong feelings, but I was never self-actualized during my first relationship. I constantly hated myself and could not accept myself and was afraid to really come into my own. Through the divorce a lot of those feelings of needing to people-please melted away and I was able to accept myself for what I am and find peace with it. I feel that since achieving that I am more ready for an adult relationship.

Third - I have always wanted a family, my ex and I were not especially compatible in this regard. She lacked maternal instincts, which isn't really a slight... most females right out of college are in no hurry to settle down and I respected that, but at the age I am now, I was not interested in dating casually. It would either be doing the one night ****-flings or something I could invest myself in for the rest of my life.

Fourth - She's everything I need. She's the female version of me. We're both extremely sarcastic and snobby. We like the same obscure pretentious music and movies. I had never felt anything like it, but I can literally read her mind at times. I can tell her exactly what she's thinking or feeling. I had no idea two people could be so in tune to each other, but it is simply uncanny. Our personalities could not be any more similar. She's a genuinely selfless person and that just makes me want to give her everything. But she is also a no-nonsense woman. If theres an issue, she isn't non-confrontational. We get to it and talk it out.

Fifth - She has a kid and he's awesome. He grew up without his real dad, just like me. He loves football more than I do and thats saying something. I always wanted to have a boy to go out and play football with, because I never had that experience growing up. Its a perfect fit.

I'm not always happy 100% of the time, realize that some of you need to temper your expectations about marriage. It isn't an all-out love-fest. A lot of people aren't cut out for it. If you're an insecure, selfish b****, then don't try and inflict that pain on a man, and if you're a douchebag, don't find some emotionally frail woman to dominate physically and emotionally. And for ****s sake if you fall into either of those categories do us all a favor and sterilize yourselves.

I think that happily married people are happy because they have found people that allow them to function in a family unit yet remain free to always be themselves without too much compromise.

Does that answer your question?

 

6 months isn't a long time when you are married and have kids. I used to think that 6 months was forever when I was in my early 20's but goes by in a flash now that I have kids. My daughter is 7 years old right now and I still remember the day I posted on this board about her being born like it was yesterday. I would support my wife regardless of if we had sex or not. I would just be much more irritable.

 

You (and moes, btw) are a perfect example of people who should procreate.

congrats on your strong marriage and family.

 

I've been married for just over a year. We've been together for over seven years. She's my best friend. She makes me want to be a better person. I would not be the same without her.

I just sat here for ten minutes trying to type something about our relationship that sounds good, but I can't seem to put together a single sentence that describes the greatness that is my wife. There is truly no one else I'd rather be with. She is my perfect fit. Every relationship is different, and every person is looking for something different. It's all about what makes sense for you.

I know that my word that I gave her is as good as gold, and I trust that hers is the same. Every day I find something new to love about her, and every day I am thankful for her.

P.S. Well said Moes.

 

if i could "like" it, i would. instead i have to spread reputation first.

 

I've been married for about 14 years. I've been close to divorcing for "irreconcilable differences"... but have been able to work out what was causing this by just communicating.

I think that the pros are creating beautiful children together when they're made under the proper reasons, knowing that caring for someone and A FAMILY is a difficult thing you too can do, and as someone mentioned (jokingly, I hope) in another thread, the TAX breaks and the guaranteed sex.

The cons are: guaranteed sex.

Every marriage has its ups and downs, and if you can communicate effectively and speak with your heart out, I believe both parties can keep that promise to which you both agreed from the get go.

There has to be an understanding from the get go, and if you're selfish and don't want to give 100%, marriage will not work for you.

EDIT: I hate the fact that people don't speak out until it's too late... and then their marriages don't work. It's sad, actually.

Lastly, you don't need "a paper" to show that you're married... you can just be together... but don't make this the excuse to not commit to a person you love. If you're both willing to see a future of not blaming things on each other, and are willing to meet halfway with the person you love, it WILL work. The "paper" will just write itself without having to be legally be stamped by the state.

That's what it's all about, I believe. Nice, sir, I believe you weren't snubbed. *REP*

In my opinion as a married person, you should "expect" the dry spells only if you're always busy and tired, or don't have "alone time" with your spouse. You also will more than likely get fatter as you get older, but that could be WITH or WITHOUT marriage, and it's up to you to stay fit to be attractive, or vice-versa. I would think that people who fall into that boat you mention are the ones who can't properly communicate to their spouses that it's not healthy to be unattractive or have spouses who are actually "letting go" on purpose, which is sad.

I can't believe how many people hear "baby, you're getting fat" from the people they supposedly have vowed to love for better or for worse, but yet don't change their habits or keep the commitment to make each other happy.

 

I've been married for almost 4 years now. Couldn't be happier. We didn't get married until our mid-30's though. We always joke that we were nowhere near ready for marriage in our 20's. I think people should wait until their 30's to get married. Of course, my in-laws will be celebrating their 50th anniversary next year and they got married when they were 20, so what do I know...

I think too many people go into marriage with the wrong attitude. They want to know what marriage can do for them instead of what they can do for their marriage. As soon as you stop asking that first question and start asking that second question, you know you're ready.

Although I've only been married to my wife for less than 4 years, we've already been through more than what a lot of married couples will ever go through. We lost a child in 2009 and had a miscarriage in 2010. But we turned towards each other instead of against each other and we made it through the tough times together. We even got stronger because of it. Now I know she'll always be there for me and visa versa. Now we have 3-month old twin boys and we've never been happier.

 

Good comparison. I've been "in the doghouse" (and so has she), but I don't think we've EVER been locked out, sir.

 

Let me make it simple. Pros: seck w/ same person forever, emotional support, add couple years to life. Cons: rude kids, endless chores, having to listen to endless yapping, boredom, watching her spend all your $$. Marriage ****

 

*giggle*