Every man, woman, non binary, they have this switch. Some rarely use that switch. It's sort of animalistic. It says 'Fk it, I want to have fun and search for adventure.' Get laid and maybe regret it.
LIke some others have already said....the long distance thing isn't the real issue here. The real issue is that you are both in totally different places in your lives. Serious relationships rarely work under these circumstances. Doesn't matter if you live together or 5,000 miles apart. You're not a match. Doesn't make either of you bad people...you're just not a match.
Just had a long (1.5 hour) call with her. We're going to talk more tonight. I asked her to honestly consider what she needs from our relationship and what her ideal long term outcome of this relationship is.
Tagging on to note that once you have a young child in the picture, it complicates things by an order of magnitude for all three people.
For sure. I stayed in my marriage after we grew apart because I never wanted to be a part time father to my kids and we agreed to always make things work at least until they were off to college. I was also very hesitant to meet her kid for this very reason. All I could do was be honest about not wanting to be married or a father again.
Always, I repeat…ALWAYS focus on yourself and self improvement. This arrangement doesn’t sound sustainable. Everytime i didn’t focus on myself it bit me in the ass I’ve probably gone on over 1000 dates before. I’m not exaggerating. Probably because I was such a novice when i started… and I just kept digging , eventually just turning it into a routine like going to work. Learned more and more, with diminishing returns (ofc). When it comes to dating there’s a whole world most people aren’t aware of, it’s scary. rhe biggest thing I came away with was to be confident and sure of myself and my goals and that if she wants to hop on for the ride she can. The train is going, your job to catch it: lastly, you can’t fix a girls insecurities. I had a long distance thing a couple years ago and she broke it off with me due to insecurities. Actually while I was getting on the plane from austin to TN, in the car as we said bye. I shrugged and said Ok. Still get a text from a random number every month begging me to come back years later. focus on you, losing that much weight ain’t easy. This stuff is a cakewalk compared to that
Lots of good advice here. I’ve been in a couple of long distance relationships and they didn’t work out. Of course moving it Minnesota it’s hard to convince someone from someplace warmer to move here..
We talked for a long time last night. In the end I told her I wasn't the one who was unhappy with the way things were. She needed to be realistic with herself about what she wants and if she can over come her insecurities and trust me. I couldn't change my behavior because I had done nothing wrong to lose her trust. She alone needs to decide what she wants and I'm OK with whatever her decision is. We left it at that and will end up dragging this discussion into a third day. Aparigraha is one of the Yamas of the 8 limbs of yoga. Its the practice of 'non-greed', 'non-possessiveness', and 'non-attachment'. Its as important to me as the other parts of my practice. I don't have possess her in our relationship and if our time together is no longer aligned with either of our paths then I'm OK moving on. I know that makes it even harder for her to accept but its part of my wholistic practice. We'll see what she says today.
I think it's drawing out over so many days because she doesn't want to let go and accept this isn't enough for her. Also, I think it's kind of unfair that you left it all up to her. Your happiness in the situation is important also, and if it's not working for you, you can also end it or choose to work through it. Jealousy is so silly, but a big issue. If my husband wanted to be with someone else, please go ahead and do that. I dont live in fear of him cheating. I only want to be with someone who wants to be with me only anyway. Jealousy is counter productive.
I don't doubt that she's struggling with the situation. I hope it wasn't unfair of me to leave it up to her. I was happy with the way things were before the doubt and mistrust was revealed. I'm happy to go back to the way things were if she can honestly say she's happy too and can get rid of the doubt and mistrust. If she isn't or can't I'm happy to go on my way alone. I'll be happy either way. I agree jealousy is silly. Your view is very much the same as mine and IMO a very mature perspective. We should both be happy and confident in our relationship and not seeking outside love/intimacy/sex. Honesty and trust are important, especially honesty with yourself.
it wasn’t unfIr on your part. In fact your post was one of the most mature and emotionally secure responses I’ve read. Thenposter blaming you is also seeing it as a female not seeing how crazy the dating world and female demands are now a days.
I meant it’s unfair to him, not her. He needs to take his own feelings into account not only her feelings and wants.
